- The Shadowed Vixen -

2004-02-02T23:24:00.000-05:00

The story of my life...

Well, not exactly in the best of moods right now....not necissarily in a bad mood either, though. I'm just in a weird mood. I keep going up and down. I was in a great mood today, but then I dont know....my energy level completely fell down, and I lost it. Something felt strange about the atmosphere, I guess.....not really negative energy, but just mixed emotions and confusion was in the air. Which can sometimes be even thicker then negative. If I work it right, I can block negative...but this? It sees right through you, and exposes you, as I've felt all day...

These, I know already, are just going to be strange reoccurent "deja vu" type feelings, or strange ideas that you want to express when they dont really have much to do with whats real. Weird fantasy objects or people that come and go and tell you unrealistic truths, and expect you to interpret them best you can.

I can feel it though, that good omens have not been showing themselves. In fact, a lot of things have been coming down. Things that I just dont want to deal with. Personality struggles again, but really....self searching is not the answer. Its in other people that we see ourselves. But no one can judge me like myself. Because no one knows me anyway. So what's there to learn from them, except the fact that everyone's alone....and life ends alone anyway.

When certain friends become strangers, you know somethings wrong. When people you know and trust betray that trust, you know somethings wrong. When people you have no issues with, suddenly become and sullen and cold towards you, you know somethings wrong. When you go around all the corners and all the bends, until finally you hit the dead-on center that you've been avoiding, you know somethings wrong. When you suddenly have a strange energy attraction to those around you who never set off that kind of spark before....YOU KNOW SOMETHINGS WRONG.

Something is definatly out of whack this week. Whether its an astrological change, a lapse in religious spirituality, a hidden force feild punctured.... or a very vibe in my own brain and subconsious gone astray - whispering to me that the water is in murky terms....Nothing good can come out of it. At least not in the short term.

You cant just take something back that already happened. You cant change someones mind when its set into stone like it is. You cant try to destroy a person's memory by bombarding them with better thoughts, or distracting them with the truth.

"What's said, is said...", no matter if it's true or not. The memory of the thought will haunt one's subconsious....and the person will never see through clean eyes again.

2004-01-21T19:01:00.000-05:00

Zephyr in the sky at night, I wonder...

Well I was feeling very inspired today for many different things. At the same time, though, very low. Because of these stupid midterms and stupid people, I'm loosing energy at a rapid pace. I cant concentrate anymore... But I layed down and napped for a few hours after I got home from school, while listening to my (personal) favorite tracks of U2 cd, and I felt a story through all the songs I had on it. I like that. Story album writing. Evanescence does that in her album "Fallen"....its a sad sort of feeling that you get left from it. I was thinking about waking up and starting to write a sort of fantasy story based on the U2 songs...but I really dont have much talent with that sort of writing. So it would upset me. Though I do suprise myself sometimes.

I have choir tonight, and I was thinking of writing afterwards....but god damnit, I have so much to do. Like, studying and stuff...and I never fucking do it. I need self control. I need to study biology, history, work on my keyboard assignment AND construction for music theory....UGH! Not to mention take a shower. And I wanted to catch celebrity mole tonight at 10-11. And I MUST get in bed at around 11:30, or I'll NEVER get up tommorow morning. And I try to think that I have time to write. No...I waist that time too by sleeping. Its not my fault that schools so early, and everything ends so late. ugh. Who am I kidding? I need help. heh, lol.

Here -- As soon as I get home I'll take a shower and get all my shit organized for tommorow. I'll study history before school tommorow, study biology at choir, and work on my keyboard thing while watching celebrity mole...and I'll do my construction tommorow during like, afterschool time before jazz choir or something. And I MUST listen to the jazz choir tape before I go to sleep tonight. And tommorow night I'll practice and go over my script for the scene I have to do on friday for the play....memorize it and perfect it. Yeah...

Anyway, today in the past 2 years was inspiration and self-finding day. Maybe I'll keep up that tradition....hm? Again, just like the year before last, I've been in the same possition. Trying to find myself. Trying to find whats right for me. Trying to discover my true identity. -sigh- I welcomed the feeling this year....but now I think I'm just putting it off. Last year I went through this whole thing where I believed I had certain powers and a reason to live. God, I wish I still had that optimism....I still have it a little, but so many things changed...

Its just dizzying, really. I went through this whole stage of saying that I was a "dark' one. My powers were mysterious and, well...this is what I wrote:

January 21, 2002 and January 21, 2003

Ok. Time to figure out what I am. Here we go. This is what I want to be: I want to seem like a normal person on the outside (well, semi-dark, cuz I like that), but then on the inside, I want to be the real me. The night follower. No! Never ever ever a satan follower. Satan is disguisting. Evil is not always the answer. But, darkness is me. Darkness is not evil. Light is not good. Everything is equal - it's the acctual soul thats good or evil. I admire the shadows - I love darkness. I'm not evil. I just know if people are or not. I'm an astrological, truth-seeking, analitical, philosopher. I believe that everything that happens has a purpose. I also believe that there are 2 kinds of people. People like me, and people not like me. I also believe that their are 2 kinds of my kind (and many variations of the other). Light ones, and dark ones. The light ones go to find ways to connect together w/ their powers. The dark ones are more apt to find the meaning of things. They are more split then the light ones. The light ones let themselves out to everyone. The dark ones keep mostly to themselves. I am a dark one. Dont get me wrong. I'm not drifting from God...in fact, God has everything to do with it. If God didnt create people, then we wouldn be here. If God didnt create differences in personalities, then everything would be chaos. Who's to say what God did, but this is what I believe he did. So who's to say I'm wrong? This is just what I view by looking around, observing people. I couldnt just be here. I needed to know who I am. This is finally what I know I am, and no one can tell me I'm wrong. Thank the gods for letting me use my mind, find ways to heal my own problems, etc. I will use my dark gift to help the ones I can.

...And thats what I felt then, and now that I am reminded of it...It's what I feel now. My thoughts changed very little. I believe I am here for that sole purpose. To help others. And because I know my purpose, I am able to move on. So I will be that little dark rose in the field of red. Just because its what I like. And I dont care what anyone else has to say about it. This is me. And I wont change for anything or anyone.

Darkness is very interesting. It is mysterious, unpredictable, can be either good or evil......but its also forgiving and comforting. In this way, darkness defines me. And I couldnt ask for anything more.

Cute, huh? I amuse myself sometimes. God....I am such a romantic. Always looking to be something better, unexpected, and out of this world. In this no person's reoccuring fantasy.

Alright, enough weirdness for today...lol, this was a completely mixed emotions entry. I'm like, up and down like a...umm...I dont know, what goes up and down? Even the way I wrote it. I wrote the end first, then went up for a couple begining paragraphs. I need to stop listening to the Madonna station on AOL radio.

So, ummm.....I guess thats all for now. Everything else seems to be going alright. No one inparticular is pissing me off lately....just people as a whole, so...I guess thats a wrap! ok, now for organization...

2004-01-17T02:10:00.000-05:00

Just another word. Just another person.

Why do I exist? huh? Why do I even fucking bother? I should have already given up by now, but no. I've kept going for no god-damned reason. Tonight was supposed to be a good night. But it fucking wasnt. I can lie, though, and say it was. Say I had a good time....but NO! It's fake. I guess thats what I've become. Totally fucking, completely fake. One of those people I've previously hated. But now I see it. I see its easier. See its better.

Because being angry and totally fucking sad or w/e the fuck it is, "depressed"....that was SOOO a thing 2 years ago. Now if your not happy, you're looked down upon or called "emo" or something....I dont know the technical terms. So its better to just be fake, and act like you're happy all the time.....because THAT is what I've learned is the ONLY way that you will make friends - keep friends - have a life.....because NO ONE gives a shit anymore. And if they do...they're most likely the people you DONT want to care.

I hate myself. Sure its nice to be happy over the little things.....be easily amused and happy sometimes. Its shallow happyness though. Never real happyness. I have no real fucking happyness. I'm not a real god-damned person. I have no fucking set personality.....it changes so much. It fucking changes from crowd to crowd no matter how much I want to think it doesnt. I have no real motions, real sayings, real feelings -- I'm just a mixture of everything around me. I act stupid to the right people. Act nice to the wrong people..... I CAN NEVER GET IT FUCKING RIGHT.

I see some people and I think I'm so ugly....I have strong wishes and feelings that I can be prettier, or slutier, or something like that.....so they'll like me, and go for me. Because I feel like I want to be liked by everyone. Or not just by everyone -- just the people who in my brain "matter" for that day or moment. But then I see other people who have liked me or something like that, and no longer do.....I see myself wishing I was some ugly person, so I can be their friend......without getting in the fucking way of anything. So I can have exactly what I want. Someone to fucking talk to. But its never like that. NEVER FUCKING LIKE THAT.

I cant even have friends. And if I do...they werent mine in the first place. Theres always someone before me. Or always someone to take my place. WHY are people happy? WHY do people even waste their stupid fucking times with things that will never and should never work??? WHY do people have to be so god-damned blind and stupid all the time??! WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SUCH AN ASSHOLE?!?!

WHY CANT SOMEONE JUST ACCEPT WHO A PERSON IS AND FUCKING DEAL WITH IT?!?

Why cant I have what everyone else has? How come I try so hard to be the person to fall back on.....but no one ever takes the offer? Or if they do, it wasnt fucking meant for them -- WHY do people have to go to that OTHER fucking person?!? That person thats not even supposed to fucking be there anyway. THE PERSON THAT KEEPS ME FROM DOING FUCKING EVERYTHING. (oh and fuck you, I know you'll read this....but just shut the fuck up, because you have NO idea what I'm talking about, or what I mean, nor do you try and care to understand......so just dont care about anything thats over you're head -- or wait, I dont even have to bother to ask that favor, now, do I?)

GOD FUCKING DAMNIT I'M SO FUCKING PISSED OFF!

BUT I HAVE FUCKING NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT ANGER.

NOTHING
NOTHING
NOTHING
FUCKING NOTHING>

AUIAH:LKAJB:IKAV:KHGAV:KGHAV:KHAB:?KHAB:KHAVB:HKV

I seriously give up. I really cant take it anymore. FUCK you all. ALL who read this blog that arent supposed to.....FUCK YOU. Anyone who keeps me from doing something I want to.....FUCK YOU. Anyone who pretends to be happy.....FUCK YOU. Anyone who acctually is happy...FUUCK YOUU!

I hate you all. Everyone. I fucking hate everyone.

FUCK YOU ALL.

Even that word. Fuck the word. Its such a stupid word, fuck, its lost its flare. It has no meaning. Plus, I've fucking overused it now. It means nothing. Just like this entry. Just like fucking me.

I'm not even sure I got out what it was that I wanted to say. But I cant even type anymore. I'm so ANGRY at so many things. Not depressed. no. Not sad. Just SO INCREADIBLY ANGRY. And I'll NEVER know what to do with the fucking anger. BECAUSE I'M NOT EVEN IMPORTANT EBOUGH TO HAVE IT ANYWAY. AND NEVER WILL I BE. FUCKING NEVER.

I'm just the god-damned in-between person. Just hate her....shes there as the crowed. Be indifferent. Theres no real reason. Well FUCK you. I'll give you an easy fucking target. Just hate me and we'll all be fucking happier. GOD FUCKING DAMN IT - HATE ME.

(And before I get even more people pissed off....or w/e, I dont know..... This message pretty much doesnt apply to anyone I acctually gave this link to. So if I did give this link to you - you matter. And you are someone I care about. But everyone, and anyone else....)

Other then that, I'm finished. I'm fucking finished. I dont know what to fucking do. Really, seriously, I'm lost this time. I'm fucking lost.

2004-01-13T23:54:00.000-05:00

BTW: Happy Birthday, Baby!!! I love you! 4 years old...my little Devonius Arcturus Orion Nightstalker. How fast they grow... how quickly time flys...

2004-01-13T23:52:00.000-05:00

Some Other Time

...thought I died, huh? I guess I was just busy. Or lazy....or a little of both. I feel like I have so much to do. And then at the low times, I just watch tv, hang out with kim, sleep, or read.....I've lost my will for online, or I've just not been able to settle down and concentrate.

Things like that tend to happen when atmosphere changes. And with Kim here, I've just been trying to do too many things at once. Lets see though.....what have I been up to? January has always been my reflecting month, but this year I've just been working myself and ignoring reflecting and moving forward. I'm kind of taking things as they are coming, rather then planning anything out.

I've really changed. I'm acctually putting effort into things....but I'm slacking off in school work again. I'm putting effort into like, jazz choir, and the play, and rep class and shit.....And I'm slacking off in my academics. I wish I wouldnt, but its just too much fun for me. I like doing the things I do.

Play rehersal is taking up so much of my energy. My good energy, though, not bad energy. I love it. I love the people, I love the story...the ending is really sad -- the music is really great.....Its going to be so much fun, if we can acctually pull it off. Thats basically most of my worries right now -- that we wont be able to have enough chemistry with the main characters. I really need to have it with "Chip", but I dont know....lol. I wish me and him were like, alright with each other....but him and his friends, I dont know..... they really dont have the highest opinion of me. heh.

Yeha, but anyway...the play did annoy me for a little while, because of course -- my Mom has to weasle herself into ANYTHING and EVERYTHING I do. (except of course the thigns I dont particularily like, such as youth and gov...theyve managed to stay out of that). Anyway, shes the assistant directer. And she KNOWS how much I fucking HATE having her even in the ROOM when I'm singing or acting something (dates back since 6th grade.....just dont have the stomache for it, her presence is annoying) -- not only that....but I cant be myself, because I have to worry about HER fucking hearing everything I have to say...and I cant DO anything, because whatever I do she'll hear about.

She thinks shes a teenager, and shes not. She doesnt have any experiance at all. The director simply gave her the job because he felt bad for her. Because we're in a money situation.....but hello, when are we not? When is anyone not? It doesnt mean we have to go doing things that we dont belong in. Seriously, she's inspiring me to coach football. Cause, HEY! Why not? I couldnt even tell you where the 50 yard line is, but w/e....seems peopel can do anything they want these days.

So...yeah. That was my stink, but no one seemed to care. They'll see it soon enough though. No one understands, because they're not me. People think they understand....but they are ignorant. They think there is no problem, but they have no idea. I'm telling you, my parents to things purposely so I'll hate the things I love.

Hello, remember when I found out my dad was reading my blog? AND my IM conversations?? And now my Mom is into every bit of music program going. So, hmmm.....This makes me want to stop theatre, music, blogging, and chatting with friends.... the things I enjoy the most. Why cant people just get there own fucking things, and learn to let people do what they want without being bothered?? At least my dad started playing online poker, so that leaves him no time to read my blog. 1 MILLION DOLLAR BET HE STILL DOES!

So...thats been my time off writing. Oh, how I miss it when I leave it. I'm lacking a topic again, though. Last year I was all over wanting love and ridding of the depression of others....and now its not enough for me anymore. I need a REAL topic. Some new, solid inspiration. I guess I'll just have to keep going at the pace I'm going, though, and eventually - some other time - I'll end up where it is, exactly, that I am heading.

2003-12-31T01:10:00.000-05:00

Desideratum Revived

Sometimes life is really annoying. Sometimes its just stupid. Sometimes you think it doesnt matter....and sometimes you worry that it is the only thing that there will ever be. But the people in it will always remain beneath you. A horrible mass of hatred and negative energy that rarely egects individuals worth your time. And sometimes there are those who you think that are worth your time......but its only temporary. Because they are diseased, and marked....and always will be one of the mass anyway.

There are those that pretend to befriend you, but then pretend to not acknowledge your existance once they realize that you only befriended them, and did not intend on anything more. There are those that can tell you anything, even stupid little things...and laugh with you, and freely make fun of others......until the next week when they laugh about you, and hate you for no reason.

Then there's the ones that will just always have a weird hatred for you for no reason, when you never even talked to them in the first place, but simply dislike a person they know. And the one's you breifly meet that have a fleeting intrest in you, but never get anything more then your name.....until they are gone forever.

Next comes those who become too attached to you when they clearly know that NOTHING will ever happen. But they find someone, and stick like glue. Like a gnat on one of those long sticky yellow poison strip things. Stuck there, sucking the life out of you...but you're too nice to say anything. Too nice to ignore.

All those people. The negative energies. The murky aura'd people that haunt you each and every day. I have so many of those. But I can never say anything. Never do anything to rid myself of them, except simply wish that they were not there bugging me. To try very hard and ignore them. Try to think that your life is just so much better, and that it doesnt matter if they exist or not.

Its almost like I'm hiding from the world sometimes. I'll not answer my cellphone. I'll go on a different sn that hardly anyone knows...and I'll read people's away messages, but will never IM them. I wont even blog for long periods of time. It's like I've become some sort of secret. Like I cant be seen or heard. Like I want to be some weird memory....away from it all until the second where I'm FORCED to make a reapearance...

I just hate people. I hate to be bothered. I like my silence. I like to day-dream.....of course I naturally come back down to earth, but hey...maybe I am a romantic. Carol's right. I just hate admiting that other people can come up with things without me saying them first. Thats a curse I have too. hm. But she's absolutely right. I am a "Romantic"....but I'm also a Realist. Which are total oppsoites, of course....but not really. Because I can daydream for a certain period of time....I jsut wont allow the dreams to become me. I snap out of them, look around, and am forced to agree with whatever I already have. Because I know its all I am. Nothing more.

So...yeah. New year is coming. Thats a relief. This year is finally coming to an end. It wasnt a total waist of my time. In fact, I guess I accomplished a lot.....personality-wise. I've become way more independant, but not afraid to acctually talk and aproach people. I've overcome some fears, and even made it into a few thigns I thought I had no chance of. I didnt have any stupid wasit-of-time relashionships, nor did I take time dwelling on a person forever and a day, only to be disapointed. I also did some stupid things....but hey, everyone comes to a point in there life when they start to make mistakes. You can only learn from them. And that I did. So I guess 2003 was a good year for me. Maybe I dont want to leave it.....but thats just the Taurean in me hating any sort of change, even if its as simple as a date on a paper.

It's just so odd, though, not having those feelings I was so often used to. Not having anyone to concentrate my energy on. Not having my knight in shining armor to dedicate my battles to....to impress. To live and breathe for. Even if I know nothing would ever happen....it's still easier to have a target. To have a thought to wake up for in the morning. Maybe that will be my plan for the new year. To at least find someone I can be interested in. So I can be a little LESS self-centered....(because thats what happened - I tried so hard not to concentrate on people that will only hurt me, that I became rather self-centered...heh. -innocent look-)

Yes, that will be my goal. To become less self-loving. To find other people to care about again. I mean, I do like to hear people's problems and stuff...but when they get too overpowering I want to just run away. NO MORE of that, though. I need to care. To live again. And maybe those people - those negative energies waiting to attack at any time and brake me.....maybe they will slowly fade away, and I'll become respected again....

Its something to work on. This aspiration I have...

2003-12-24T22:09:00.000-05:00

Oh Holy Night.

I havent written for so long...and now its christmas eve. Going into christmas. Lovely right? I've just not had the energy or desire to go online at all. Busy as always. Sister home, peopel to think about, things to do...etc etc etc. Or maybe I'm just acting lazy, because for once I have a BREAK from the things to do.

Hm. Last year. Where was I at this time? So often I resort back to previous years to see how things were, and to see how much I've grown. Well, I've definatly grown....I mean, come on...last year on my blog entry before christmas I had a NFG quote....jesus christ, wtf is that? lol. But seriously...last year I knew what I wanted, and I dwelled on it. I wanted a special someone, blah blah blah "All I want for christmas is you", type thing. And I was so upset that I didnt get it. And I was all depressed, and saying how I wasnt one of the "lucky ones".

Maybe that was the best thing for me. Since that time I've done many a stupid things, and I'm still alive. I've not had anyone there for me in that way. I'm not complaining. I mean.....sure it would be nice, but I've done a lot of thinking. And I know that even though I do want someone.....I can survive with just myself. I guess I really am a loner. I never really believed it until this year. But I guess I'm proud.

I wont lie to you though, sure I want to sound strong and all.....but this is my blog, and I should be as truthful as possible. So I guess I am a little upset that I cant get someone....I mean, I'm really a fall-back person. I went to my friends sour 16 the other night -- he had a lot of guys there....and they were all staring at me (and my sis) the entire time. I'm not even joking. I'm not conceided in that way. But I KNOW when someone has eyes on me. And when someones asking someone who knows me about me and shit. But seriously....who would ever say anything to me??

One person even yelled out to me as I was leaving, "Merry Christmas, Kerri", and I hadnt even exchanged names with him....I simply danced near him at the last song, and did the usual "Paradise By The Dashboard Light" singing with him. And then he followed me and Kim out, and waved as we drove by. But thats that. No one knows me for real. Its torture.

And I really wonder if its all a joke sometimes. Sure, it was nice to think afterwards.....oh that would be nice if I can find someone I dont know at all and start something with them -- AWAY from those who are connected in any close way with any friends of mine....but then I snap back into reality -- Like that would EVER happen.

So I guess I cant be selfish. And thats why I'm not dwelling on the fact that I'm lonely on christmas. Because I have oppertunity close to home....but I refuse to accept it. (Which therefore lables me as "evil", and gets me ignored for a few days....nevermind that -- its all back to normal again).

Anyway!!!!!! guess that was too random for words, but no matter -- MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE, everyone. Hope you're having a great depression-less one! I know I am....or pretending to. Or maybe acctually am. I'm not depressed at all. I'm acctually feeling oddly fine.

2003-12-15T22:33:00.000-05:00

Baby, I Can Cook!

I GOT IT!!!! I got the part. I am now Mrs. Hildy Esterhazy, going after my Chip in only 24 hours "On The Town", in one new york city day. I'm soooo excited, you wouldnt even know. I fucking got a lead. Oh my god. A lead in a musical. It was like my little elementary school dream to be a lead in the high school play once I got there....I NEVER thought I acctually would be - nor did I really think I wanted to be. And now I have one. Wow. LOL, its kind of surreil. I'm reeealllyy extremely happy about it, though. I cant even explain. hehe. ...but I'm not going to gloat, because I hate gloating people. I just take it humbly, and have fun with it.

Anyway, I'm very happy with the casting list too. A lot of people got what they wanted. Its a HUGE cast. My two closest theatre friends got what they wanted. (Meghan got Claire, and Marjorie got Lucy) The only weird thing is that my partner in the show, Chip.....The guy casted with me is cute and all, his name is Bobby, but... me and a few other people havent exactly been saying nice things about him, and he sort of found out (because he likes this girl that I'm no longer friends with)... so it should be interesting. lol.

It will be alright though. hehe. I have to kiss him in the show, though, which I think is HILARIOUS....considering this is a girl that has always been in competition with me for guys. Since she always has a million boyfriends or flings or w/e, always getting what she wants, and rubbing it in my face (well, not anymore, but its still funny), and now he likes her, and she likes him....and I'm his partner in the show. lol. Weird sort of karma.

So thats about all I have to say today. Nothing unhappy and cynical. (Can be saved for another day). I'm just secretly enjoying this for as long as I can before I get all scrooge-ish again!! :D

2003-12-14T15:06:00.000-05:00

As snow turns to rain...

Oh, the weather outside is.... just lovely! As much as I love now...the rain is much better right now, and I'm glad its coming down. Snow is nice for a little while, like, over night...and then the next morning....but if it lasts any longer then that, it just becomes this greyish, ugly, dirty eyesore that I despise. So it snowed...then it rained. I like rain better anyway. Freezing, chilling, wet, rain. Theres nothing better. Except maybe adding some thunder and lighting.

Anyway, I'm feeling a lot better then the other day....I've gotten over my drama sequence. It'll probably come back for tommorow, but hey...thats tommorow's problem, not todays. I'm just feeling completely neutral. Yesterday was busy w/ shopping and Isles (they finally won...and I was finally there to see it!), but today was nothing. We were supposed to have a parade....but thank GOD it was snowed and rained out. I hate marching in parades! So...I've just been cleaning all day, and listening to music. Not even normal, christmas music either....I was acctually listening to techno, trying to lighten up out of all the heavy holiday shit.

But I dont know....it still seems like the day is dragging on, as well as the week, and this year. I'm looking forward, though, not back. Which is a good thing...though my mind wants to, every once in a while, go back to previous years. -sigh- But I'm making a consious effort to stay happy - I'm trying.

I'm looking forward to, not christmas, but rather....the new year. I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I have to do something. If I dont, I know for sure it will be a bad year. But I've never really had plans on new years....never really made it a big deal. But I should. Because this is the time where I think the most, and reflect. And I should have a celebration of going into a happyer time, getting rid of the old thoughts, and finding new. I have to make it possitive, and laugh into the next year. Look for bright times, not dark.

Heh. I made a new screen name again, to get away from the people I dont feel like talking to every waking minute of my life. RadiatingVeela. This one I wont give out to people (unless of course you read this blog, but w/e).....its purely for my enjoyment, and maybe for random chatting which always puts me in a good mood.

Anyway, this has all been very random....as random as my brain is at this time. As I'm still waiting to know if I have a life these upcoming months (with the play), still wondering why everyone has to blow their shit all over me, still wondering why the fuck people have to like me and not bother other people, still wondering if anyone out there understands a word that I'm saying, and....etc. I'm just going to drink my coffee, and listen to preppy music until it all goes away.

And I'll watch the rain, and think about how life would be like in my own little perfect world.

Wow. I still dont know what I want for christmas. I guess nothing. Last year I was all upset that I didnt get my one wish, of having someone, and blah blah blah...this year, I dont think I even want to bother with that. I guess I really dont need someone. Its such a bother and a responsibility that I can do without. Besides, theres no hope in finding anyone, anymore, close to me, anyway - until college. ...so why waist my time on people that dont matter? I just want some fun. To keep my options open, is better then to try anything at random. w/e. I guess I'm just that type of girl.

But I dont think I'll ever know what I want. Thats my only problem. And people only like me, because they know they'll never have to commit to anything. Thats sort of depressing. Because its true. In fact, one person that used to like me, told me the other day "I think you're pretty and all, but no offense....I would never go out with you. I know you just want to flirt with everyone, and not settle down, and thats why I had to stop liking you." -- I mean, it was a relief that this person finally understood me (For god's sake, he had 17th percentile on the PSAT, and he STILL understood me better then anyone so far -- prooving its not a genious thing to do!!)....but it also made me realize that EVRYONE, whether consiously or not, feels this way if they like me. Great to know, huh? Its not like I'm even a flirt, either...I act completely normal. People just think I am, because I never have boyfriends, but I like to try and be friends with boys.

Well, whatever. My legs hurt, and I have laundry to finish, and a shower to take before church. Oh my god....church. You know my feelings on it, how I go to sing in the choir, but I'm really not into believeing the same ideas as it anyway -- well, they made me say prayer last wednesday at choir practice. Have to tell you, it was a production. It took me forever, and everyone was sort of "??!?" by the time I was done. heh. Oh well.

...I guess I'll write again soon with info on the show. Wish me luck.

2003-12-13T01:26:00.000-05:00

Pandora's Single Gift

Well. Haven't had much time to write this week at all....well, probably could have, but it would require too much effort. I'm sitting down, now, reflecting the week, and I've just had it. I dont really remember the last time I've crashed like this....it hasnt happened in so long. But I guess it just all comes down every once in a while, when everything gets so unbearable...you just lose it. Well I've lost it, damnit, after keeping myself together for so long.

Let me think of the things I've been discussing lately. Lets see....we have Dominic - that guy who likes me and I keep saying "no" indirectly to....because I have a problem with flat-out saying no. Well? Done with it. I dont care anymore. He can not be my friend for a year and a half or life if he doesnt want to, but I just dont feel that way about him, and I never will. No ifs, ands, buts, probablys, or "lets see what happens in time" anymore. I will, I swear to you, flat out say "no", and not feel horrible about it.

I have too many other things to feel horrible about.

Auditions. Auditions for the musical were on wednesday, callbacks were friday. I got called back for the part I want SOOO damn bad, I cant even explain. Me and one other girl, called back for Hildy ("On The Town"), one of the 3 lead girl's....possibly the most important girl. Although I personally think I did good, theres no telling what the director will think. ANd if one more person says "dont worry, you'll get the part", I'll kill them....because, as I've said, "Its not over until its fucking over". So just SHUT THE FUCK UP and wait until monday, like I have to wait. God damnit...why did I ahve to get so excited over it?? I promised myself I wouldnt get excited, but I did. And now if I dont get the part....I'm really gonna be upset for a while. Shit. Well. I guess we'll see on monday. I can only hope, now, I guess. But holy fucking god, it was a stressful, nerve-wracking week.

Then comes this past night. Friday night. ....possibly the reason of why I crashed.

Alright. My sister used to be really good friends with a girl named Danielle. They had lots of drama, though, and ended their friendship in an extremely hateful way. Danielle got a new best friend, Lisa. Lisa went out with a friend of mine, Joe. Lisa works at the bowling alley. Joe is on bowling leagues and teams, and teaches, etc...along with a few friends of his, and mine. They hang out there almost every friday night. (thats all the background info you need for this)

Anyway, it all started out when Joe and Lisa broke up. They had a huge fight, and Lisa dumped him. He claimed to be completely over her, and wanted revenge. Lisa, for no real reason at all (simply because I'm her best friend's-ex best friend's-sister), doesnt like me. So Joe asked me to go bowling with him and the guys for a little showy revenge, and jealousy. For once in my fucking life, I didnt rationalize the situation....and felt rather sinister. So I agreed.

Long story, short...everything was going great. Lisa was so jealous, and so completely angered and steaming with rage, that the mission was acomplished in about 5 minutes of us being there. It was lots of fun still....we bowled, (he taught me, and I - who usually get upwards near THIRTY - boweld a NINETY!), we played air hockey (I lost twice to another person there), and he even went up to the desk, and told them it was my birthday, and made them play the song "Like A Virgin" for me.....it was pretty funny.

...However, everyone seemed to crash at a certain point towards the end. Lisa seemed upset, rather then angry, and Joe crashed, and became completely emotionless. Turns out he still really likes her. If I wasnt so concentrated on being evil for once, I would have seen that, and never agreed to let him pull a stunt like that anyway. But no. I let it happen, because on some psychotic level, I want the world to suffer, and no one to be happy....it seems. heh.

I just feel horrible. Joe was all, "its so not your fault....I asked you to come, and I really enjoyed having you here, I'd love for you to come back...", but I still feel horrible. Joe's become my buddy in these past few months, and I hate to see him down like that. Its just so draining to see anyone you care about, like that. And everyone seems to be feeling those kinds of emotions these days.

But hey, although I'm not an optimist, I'm still a firm believer of Pandora's gift.....so you never know. This little burst of anger, jealousy, and revenge might at least get them talking again. I would think so. And hey....even yelling can lead to a peace eventually. If he can give substantial evidence that I was there as a friend, not as anything more, they might be able to get back together over this. But thats just wishful thinking - like it'd ever happen. Why do I even bother helping sometimes?

Anyway, thats been my week in a nutshell. Lots of open-ended things to still think about....clear up.....forget....etc. Probably only one good way. Sleep.

Hope everyone is enjoying their holiday season so far.

2003-12-06T15:49:00.000-05:00

What rose is your soul bound to?

Your soul is bound to the Rose Petals: The Wronged.

"'Ive come undone and all hopes of mending me are gone because the pain took my soul. Can't you see? The only one who can put me back together again is me."

The Rose Petals are associated with sorrow, reflection, and wisdom. They are governed by the goddess Persephone and their sign is The Teardrop, or Broken Love.

As a Rose Petal, you are always self-reflective and may be hard on yourself. You probably have been hurt in the past by other people and can sometimes distance yourself, as a result. You don't usually let other get too close to you, but you are very good at mending your spirits back together by yourself.

What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-12-06T15:35:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Laura... A note of caution:

OMG! On Laura's blog, she explains that she had a dream that someone she knew found out about her blog, that maybe she really didnt want there. She was inspired to write this:

If I know you in real life, or if you know me, then be careful about how much you read here. You may read things that you don't want to, and you may find out things about me that maybe you don't want to know, or that you can't understand. I present one aspect of myself to you - and this aspect is different depending on who you are - but I have layers, and that's what this blog is all about. I try to be as honest as possible, and sometimes brutally so. Don't hate me for what I say, and if you have issues with any of it, then please, talk to me.

This is exactly what I've been thinking in my head about me, but I just couldnt find the words to express!! Thanks Laura!!! :D

2003-12-01T23:13:00.000-05:00

Once upon a December...

Well....Its come around once again. December. I decided that I would be in the christmas spirit this year - starting, in my mind, December 1st, but right now...I'm still not feeling it. Maybe its too far away. I dont know. But I promised myself I would blog on December 1st.

I dont know why, but I feel like I have to. Like its the right thing. Something called me to my blog today. And I had to come, though I dont even know what to write. Maybe its the negative energy of the world calling me. How much I want to send some positive light out for once, but nothing is helping.

Maybe its the fact that whenever I meet someone I tell them all about myself. And then I have these feelings of insecurity. Why I have to tell the world, and a bunch of strangers my thoughts about it all....but not my closest friends. I keep everything so hidden up inside me, and I break out to the people I know I shouldnt. And I let them see the crazyness of me. But I cant. I have to keep it in.

I dont know where I'm going here. I juts cant keep going. But I cant stop. I cant think of the holidays when I'm still in this dark time. Its the darkest time of the year. Darkness and coldness ahead of us all. And all I can think is that thers still some kind of hope that I can help. But I'm kind of giving up.

Happy December, everyone.

2003-11-28T15:53:00.000-05:00

Happy Belated Thanksgiving....

...or rather, I hope you had a happy one. Mine was pretty lame. I dont really like the holiday. At all. Because your forced to sit down at the table with your family, eating food you dont like a single bit, and you have to be all nice, and thankful - and you cant really complain at all. And because it's "thanksgiving", everyone seems to have a stick up their ass, because they're not really used to being all nice and happy. They just fake being all "god, thank you for our food and health", because thats the image that they see and need to follow. Any other holiday is kind of a free for all. And there are things to do. Thanksgiving is just nothing. Its a bore. Because our countries history is a bore.

Wouldn't it have been a lot more interesting, if when the pilgrims came in, rather then having a stupid dinner, they had an amazing party, where every one for a day drank beer, and smoked fancy cigarettes from the newly discovered Indian's source? Yeah, celebrate that. No. Our country would rather have a cutesy little "lets all eat turkey and thank the lord" day. Hm. At least we get a little vacation from school though.

Anyway, yesterday wasnt all that bad. Just boring. And I couldnt really do much, because everyone was bothering me. So I basically sat around and did nothing the entire day, except try to figure out how aol works, when my Aunt installed it for me. Thats it. And I neglected to listen to the stupid "Alice's Resterant" song that my family traditionally listens to and sings every thanksgiving. And they didnt even care. So thats good.

And I ate marshmellows for dinner. Because I dont like turkey, I decided to eat mashed potatoes and cheese and crackers. Then my sister dared me to eat the sweet potatoes w/ marshmellows thing. And I didnt like it...so I just got up and grabbed the bag of marshmellows, put them on a stick, and toasted them in the candle. So did Kim. It was pretty amusing, while everyone else was eating turkey. I almost threw up, though, because I had ONE BITE of the tukey and got tootally grossed out.

hm. So I hope your thanksgivings were a lot better then mine, as we now enter into the christmas season. I'm going to try to get into it this year. Last year I wasnt. At all. You can see on my blog, I was all "happy fucking holiday's" last year at this time. Sad. So...I'm going to try and put effort into it this year. I dont want to end the year bad. And I dont want to start the next one all annoyed, as I look back. Because everything I can possibly think about is ahead of me, not behind me. And I cant keep looking back there and expecting anything to change. -sigh-

...But I still wont start my christmas spirit until December 1st. That's when it officialy starts in MY world. Soo, in these last few days of November, I'll just relax, and try to ease, focus, and clear my mind for the things that lie ahead. Life's pace is gonna really pick up again very soon, I have to be ready for it. And I cant let it get to me this time, again. I must be able to center myself and realize that everyone has bad times, and that my bad times are probably the best times for many people out there. So I have to look positively, no matter how much I hate doing that. -sigh- Well, I can give up my bad habbits for at least one month, I guess. hm.

I'm still alive, though. Thats all that matters.

2003-11-25T20:32:00.000-05:00

The air I breathe.

- deep breath - God I miss those days where I could just sit and write for hours. They so often had me in their grasps, but as the days move on, I continue to have the spark in me less and less. Its sad, really. No longer can I concentrate on things such as these. Why is that?

Maybe I'm having trouble with a few things. For one thing, I have a stupid addiction. Not like pot or cigarettes or anything. Caffeine. Yeah, that probably looks juvinile, because now you think I'm one of those "omg, I get so high on caffeine, I'm hyper for hours...blah blah." Well, no. I'm not one of those. I seriously drink a 20 oz coffee 3 times a day, plus a 10 oz in the morning. So thats 70 oz of coffee a day. Thats 4.375 pounds of coffee a day. (Interesting, huh? I went to a conversion page for that. lol.)

Anyway, back to the addiction.... I f I dont have that amount, I get horrible headaches, and like, shaky, and I cant sleep. Funny thing has it, that I dont even get hyper or restless when I have my normal amount of coffee. It basically just works to cancel out what happens when I dont drink it. Anyway, my point here is that I'm developing this problem, and I'm only 16. heh.

So I'm trying to cut down. Yesterday and today, I only had my 10 oz morning cup. I'm dead. I already cheated by getting myself a 20 oz on the way home from school. :/ But hey. I guess I have time. w/e. I like coffee. eh. I dont know what to do. lol. At least I dont have an eating disorder or anything, or an addiction to drugs.

Hmm....besides that, I have so much I can talk about. There are SOO many thoughts swimming around in my head right now, though, that its hard to focus on one at a time. I do know one thing, however. That I'm emotionally disabled.

Seriously. If I had to admit I had a problem, it would be the fact that I have a severe emotional detachment to any sence of love or liking. I slowly have noticed that I've given up on people. All people. I'm not sure why, and when this acctually happened to me, but I transformed from this "always crushing" girl, to "the black hearted girl who finds a million bad qualities in everyone and anyone who shows slight intrest in them." Maybe its the fact that I have so many unreal fantasies in my head about the perfect person.....but it could also be a fear of commitments. But come on! I'm only 16! I said that before. I cant stand the fact that someone can really like someone at this age. And then the next week really like someone else.....etc etc etc.

Really, how can you REALLY like someone, unless you've been with them for a while? This all comes to me upon the fact that someone has a really great feeling for me right now, and the more I hear about him liking me, the less appealing it seems. I know that seems sort of opposite of what it should be, but its totally true. I thought I'd want someone to like me. But I hate it. seriousness. Because if if I gave said person a chance, he would give 110%, and I would give .005%. Look at the difference there. Do you think thats being fair? Besides that, he's liked my sister in the past, and he's really good friends with her. And the way he talks, he seems so....well, very demanding of attention.

So what? I'd tell him this, and he'd promise not to demand too much attention - I almost guarantee that. But the fact would remain, that he'd still want it. I'm just not emotionally stable enough for it. I need to find someone apart from all the caring, and all the crushing, if I'm going to ease this wanting and longing. Someone who doesnt really like me a lot, but rather wants to try something out to see if it would work on pure chance. I guess thats the kind of lover I am. A spontaneous one. Strange to think, since I'm a taurus. But not completely unexpected. I hate the thought of being tied down at all. I guess I have more of a "loner" personality then I thought.

Its true though, and I'm seeing it. How independant I am. I'm one to sit in the hallway and write, while all the others are congregating and laughing. Its not that I dont like them, I mean I love them, and they're fun.....when I'm intrested. But a lot of the time, I'd much rather have quiet and do something with myself.

But even through all that, I still want something. Someone I can turn to when my days are not going too good. Someone who will kind of be there for me, but someone I dont have to worry about 24/7. And I dont want it just to be an attraction thing either. They do have to care about me in some way.....they just cant be dependant and set on the fact that it'll ever become anything serious.

I like to breathe. But sometimes I feel like I should be sharing all the air I take in so selfishly. My image is so strange. All they see me as is this person who has taken a liking to mirrors, is a bit psycho at times, but also strangely philosical and strangely detached from the crowd at times. I seem to want attention, but I ignore it once I get it, and am not quick to holding in a judgement, or sugar-coating anythign I say. I tell it like it is, and I'm glad to hear that people respect that. But I'm also a filler person, who a lot of guys seem to like lately, but I jsut cant accept any of them, because then my image would be ruined.

I dont mean that I want to keep my image the way it is.....my subconsious mind is the one to control it. All of these apprehensive feelings, and the pits of my stomache come from my subconsious mind telling me not to take action. It knows what I really want. And it gives me the strength to remain independant.

Its so odd, though. How I can so often change my mind, but always return to the same underlying main idea thats always with me. How so many times I get these strange little attractions to certain people. But my mind refuses to make anything out of it. Its a lack of faith that I have. A realist's way of life. Its seems sad, but I cant let myself hurt myself anymore then I have in the past. (though the past is stupid, and one must not dwell on it -- I know I still cant let it all go, and let history repeat itself like everyone says it does)

I just have to wait for that lost soul, like me, to come across me. To jump into something that wont tie us both down. Someone like me, that would go out with me for the sake of having a girlfriend. Not a relashionship. Something that starts as sort of a joke, and can possibly end up as something real. Or not. But it wouldnt interfere with the flow of things either way. I just have to wait for that time.

- sigh -

Sometimes I really confuse myself. I know that this dream - this image I have in my head, this unknown person whos parted from all those who so often remind me of what they have, and what I too should have....I know it may not ever happen, but its not like me to change my mind over something that might be unobtainable. I refuse to be like everyone else.

I guess I'll end this now. I have to tell the person that likes me that he doesnt have a chance. I really did try to throw away my thoughts, and get off my high horse. But I just cant do it. I'm my own person. Its not like I asked to be this way. It just happened. And some things cant be changed. I know there will be long periods of awkwardness with several people - and I'll probably get the "you lead him on" speach from a dozen or so ....but I didnt see it as leading on. I saw it as trying to change my mind. Trying to make something happen. And it failed. Life happens that way. And he can either move on, or dwell on it. I think he has the power in him to move on, and eventually forget this. It might take him time, it might not. Who really knows? But I have to finally tell him the truth. Maybe he'll understand, maybe he wont. But I cant go feeling upset and angered at myself about this anymore. Its him. Not me.

So thats all I have to say. Now that my minds a little more at ease, hopefully I'll be able to think and write more fluently again soon. - deep breath -

2003-11-14T23:40:00.000-05:00

Works of maturity.

Ok, I dont normally put a lot of conversations on my blog, but this was was a breaking point. I had a lot of those this week. I'm breaking out of my shell, and not putting up with anyones shit anymore. Always has this person asked me for favors, and I always have I helped him. Sometimes I argued, but in the end I always solved his problems, because thats what I like to do. And so after a long period of not talking to me again, hes suddenly asking me for a favor. Well....

lose222222: kerri
lose222222: i need a huge favor
Lady0fDarkness87: favor?
lose222222: can u help me
lose222222: PLEASE
lose222222: its huge
Lady0fDarkness87: whats your big plan this time?
lose222222: no plan
lose222222: im this girl crazymama712
lose222222: and aks her about me and stuff
Lady0fDarkness87: who is it?
lose222222: ashley dixon
Lady0fDarkness87: you like her?
lose222222: yes
lose222222: just tell her that message
lose222222: and talk to her about me and put me in a positive light with her
lose222222: say good stuff
lose222222: please
Lady0fDarkness87: sorry if im raining on your parade, but why do you think she would go for you?
lose222222: cause we almost went out before
lose222222: and i fucked up
lose222222: and said we almost went out again
lose222222: than i fucked up again
lose222222: SO CAN YOU PLEASE JUST DO ME THIS FAVOR
Lady0fDarkness87: well dont you think you should try to fix it yourself
Lady0fDarkness87: i mean, sending random people to talkto her is definatly the wrong way to go about it....i know if someone did that to me, i'd think they were psychotic
Lady0fDarkness87: im not being mean, im just trying to help you out here
lose222222: KERRI
lose222222: STOP LECTURING ME DAMN IT
lose222222: AND JUST ME THIS FAVOR PLEASE
lose222222: YOUR MY ONLY SHOT
lose222222: say you really know me and that you can tell i really care for ashley
Lady0fDarkness87: its the wrong thing to do.......just talk to her, do something for yourself for once
lose222222: I DID
lose222222: I NEED YOUR FUCKEN HELP
lose222222: GIVE IT TO MELady0fDarkness87: your always so pushy with people....maybe if you let off a little then people wouldnt be so repelled
lose222222: GOD FUCKEN DAMN IT KERRI WHY CANT YOU JUST HELP ME
Lady0fDarkness87: see? look at you right now, your flipping out on me because i wont help you. because its stupid, really. you need to control your temper. seriously. or youll never get what you want
lose222222: kerri why cant you just help me
Lady0fDarkness87: because its not a smart thing to do, and it'd only make you look bad.....people arent stupid. they can tell when someone asks them to do something
lose222222: you know fine
lose222222: dont fucken help me
lose222222: you tihnk you know it fucken all
Lady0fDarkness87: if people out of nowhere IM her just at the time where you think things are getting fucked up, shes gonna know you had the plan
Lady0fDarkness87: no
lose222222: i swear to god im not fucken associating with you nemore
Lady0fDarkness87: you think you do
Lady0fDarkness87: you always do
Lady0fDarkness87: alls i ever tried to do was help you
lose222222: bullshit
lose222222: never
Lady0fDarkness87: but you never seemed to get that, ever
lose222222: you can shut the fuck up now kerri and turn away
Lady0fDarkness87: alright.
lose222222 signed off at 11:01:54 PM.

Can you just read that again, please? Not once did I curse. I stayed calm, and stood my ground. And look at his capslocks! Look how angry he got!! I feel so good right now, because there it is. A proven point. And he'll feel my loss. Maybe not greatly, but I almost guarantee he'll still talk to me. He'll feel guilty somehow.

I just had to point this out to the world. That I'm not putting up with peoples shit anymore. If anyone wants to be that backseat friend, always asking for a free ride.....you can take it with someone else. And then when you insult me and my intelligence? Well, maybe I'll even take further action to make you regret it. But right now, I feel too good to do anything horrible and mean. But I have my ideas if this continues.

Oh god....ahhh. Sometimes I really love life. I love when I can stay so calm, while others act so childish. Its times like these where I really feel like I've matured. Wheather I have or not, I still feel it. And I love it.

2003-11-13T23:25:00.000-05:00

Randomness and opacity of life.

Fall Comedy's officially over. Well, has been since sunday....but still I havent had the energy to write. Its so hard to set aside that time. When in complete uninterupted silence I can write. I dont get it anymore. So many noises outside of this keyboard......but still I try. Its not like it used to be, but at least its something to ease my mind with.

Its so weird though. I didnt cry. Was too tired and overworked for it to acctually feel sad that it was over. Its just somber and depressing now. Because nothign about it can be funny anymore....and my favorite person in the show has set his mind against doing the musical. And I dont want to lose him. I miss him already. Miss seeing him everyday. He always makes me smile no matter what. And all my tension goes away. Hes just so amazingly funny and cheerful, and one of those people you go into withdrawal for when you dont see them.

Anyway, enough with that sob story... I have some other subjects to press upon. You know what they say. When a situation is really bad, only good can come out of it. Well. I've definatly had once of those situations again. Its one of those stupid things that you do every so often. Not ones slate is clean. Everyones guilty of something. Some more then others. Me? I have minor inflictions every so often. Anywa....since I ahvent dont anything stupid since may of last year (go back on blog to read if you forgot), I pulled idiocy again. This time no illegal substances though. It wasnt too bad, just dumb and unneccisary.

But life moves on. It was one of those ::gasp:: type things, which gets the "you idiot, ewww!", soon following. lol. But it was monday night at the cast party. Which was.....OH SO LONG AGO already. hehe. And now I'm a better person.....because I realize how "who gives a shit" the world really is. Because, in actuality....no one cares. And no one thinks past it other then a few days afterwards anyway. ANd even if its something you would normally not even think about doing......thigns happen. And to regret them would be a waist of time. To move forward is the reality of it all.

The only thing that worried me of the situation was telling carol. Because I know of all people, she wouldnt find it gross. She'd just be disapointed. And I hate disapointing her more then anything. Shes such a great friend to me, and I do stupid things and she thinks I'm all different and shit. But no. I just do stupid shit sometimes when shes not around, because she really is like my guardian angel. When she had problems all those years ago, I helped her out with them....now she has John, and he helps her out, so I feel like the tables have turned, and I've become her project now, and shes trying to get me on the main path in life or something odd like that. I dunno. All's I'm trying to say is thanks Ca, you're truly inspiring.

And thats all I have to say about that for now. And I'm sorry. I have to come to conclusion. Though I ahve so much more to write, I just dont have the time or the energy right now to do it. I will find time in the near future, however, because I'll lose my mind if I dont buckle down and start making myself work once again. Alright. Have a nice night.

2003-11-02T23:34:00.000-05:00

Oh, hello again.

God. So long. I cant believe I've gone this long. But whenever I sit down to write, something distracts me. Either that, or I'm only on for a little while, and have no time to write somethign acctually productive. I've probably lost all my readers again. Hah. Like I have any anyway. Well, its nice to dream.

...But all that set aside, god. So sad. Octobers over. I cant believe how fast that month went. I really like october too, but I guess I have to wait 12 months for the next one. I was a dominatrix for halloween. With my patent leather skirt and tube top. Sexy as hell. But I didnt go trick-or-treating.....I went to a small get-together of friends, and was acctually the only one in costume. heh. I'm a strange one.

God, I've been so busy lately. No time to breath. So many rehersals, so many lines to learn. And so many other things to do at the same time. All county jazz auditions are in a week....acctually, opening night of the show. So....I have to get an early time slot, and learn a solo in a week. yay. Then I have to work on all the (regular) all county music, plus jazz choir.....which I'm finally able to go to again, and then voice lesson shit.....its CRAZY. I cant believe I'm acctually doing all this shit this year.

Its a lot of work, but it really gives me a sence of belonging. And choir at church is really nice too. I mean, each week I believe less and less....but I like singing and choir, and the people. Its a lot of fun. And its fun to laugh an entire mass section. God, wow. I mean, I'm not non-religious....I just have very broad beliefs.

Anyway, not much more to say. Hell week starts tommorow night. 5-10 (probably later) every night. So this is my last night to relax Wont be blogging again for like another week or more.....too much life going on right now. And god, I dont even have the energy to mention whats going on with people (particularly guys) in my life right now. Its all too much at once, and I need my rest. Maybe I'll try to blog sometime soon....or you'll just have an excuse to keep checking back! :) goodnight all.

2003-10-21T22:46:00.000-04:00

Duck, duck, goose.

No. Not the words used. No, its not the illusion I create. Its a feeling. A regular, normal feeling. The fact that its the only thing to keep me going. Because I care - is what it is. I care. Maybe I'm one of the few left. But I do. And its hard when you have a lack of expression. Why I've kept myself closed up in this life, I dont know. Its hard to break out of that shell. Damn near impossible, acctually. To acctually want to be there. To acctually go.

To make a move. A sign, anything. Its not something one can do on call, when they are one like me. To close myself up, though, like an unwanted chapter of that boring book everyone neglects to read, but takes the "spark notes" way out. To seem so detached and cold. To draw people away.

To long in secret, for many a things. But to hide away in it, rather then accept it. Maybe I'm wrong. Perhaps someone else out there has been right all along. Right in the ways that they will waste there time on the wrong. Because when someone knows that nothign can be, they tend to ignore it - like I have. But since this is uncharacteristic for that one certain emotion....its overlooked. And I am, again, to blame.

But those few words. A transformation. Emotionally detached. That one member of the game who will be called, but wont respond. I am that one, though. I am the herder to call out the ducks. I will go around, gathering what I can from each person -- but have none of my own. And every so often, I'll pick the goose out. And run around in circles, until I myself am the one to get caught up inside that cookie jar.

Blocked in all directions. Looking out, again, at what I am. What I've become. Each person, a little part of myself. So I am barely noticed. For the comfort one feels when I'm near....because I am them. So no one needs that extra awareness. Until my hatred flares, and it drives them off. Even the outside "spark" readers are driven away. For they have overlooked the main points, but only took in what everyone else must know to pass.

But those who read the whole text. They see me. And they feel my pain. And they know what I need. What I want. What I'm ready to give. But it hasnt gotten that far. The binding is broken. It will not open, unless pried apart by the deepest magic spell. That spell that lies undiscovered. With no willing explorers.

So the secret remains. This secret I live in. No one will ever know the things I care to dream. The thoughts I'll always settle on. The people who will always be dear to me. These thigns I do. These people I hate. The part where it all comes together in one.

Those words. Those seemingly harmless, meaningless words. No. Its not the words. Its the illusion I created. Its not the person. Its the mind-set I'm stuck in. There is no caring. Or so it seems, as overlooked as it is. There are no feelings. For anyone besides.

I remain as I am.

The nothing and everything around.

As for understanding? Would like to see anyone dare try.

2003-10-19T21:57:00.000-04:00

Unquestionable

Its like a battlefield out here. Well, no. Not really. Read, or write - or sleep, or do something acctually productive. Or stare into space and think too much about thought-less things. I dont know. Really, life is strange.

When best friends become strangers, thats a scary thing. When you know you know someone, but you really dont in detail. I still seem to feel like I know her, and I feel like we are again on the same page, but we lack in communication, and it kills me. Because I've never known how to be a friend. I never know how to do anything. This one's my fault, and I'm sorry. I'm really sorry Ca, that I'm letting you down. Like you said, "I just dont own a feeling right now". Same here, we're in one of those cycles, I guess. I dont know. But I need you.

I'm in one of those phases, where I feel like I need to just jump off a bridge or lay in the middle of a busy highway at night-time. I dont even know why.....I just feel that some thigns in life arent worth it. But then I know, teen years are when it really sucks -- and its these times that I acctually wish I was older, and not an insignificant 16-year-old, that probably doesnt know enough about the world to satisfy anyone.

Everything right now is a constant outflow of change. Change, change, change. Is all it is. Nothing can settle down for any amount of time. The world is always spinning around, and GOD its making me dizzy. I'm sick to my stomache half the time, just thinking. I know I can stop and be happy if I want to -- but its that short-term happyness. That immaturity that I use to stop the constant urging of moving forward and being realistic and....

...I dont know. I've become semi-psychotic. I'm not a horrible person or anything, but I realize I try to get guys to like me, because I have nothing else to do, or something. I dont know why I do it -- I usually have no intrest in them, but I want them to like me. Well, no. Not no intrest. I usually just want friends out of them, because I guess I relate to them better or something, or just like the immaturities they have at this age. And well....theres a guy in the grade below me that I started talking for a few reasons. He's friends with a few theatre/music people I know, he seems to have problems (I love resolving things, its what I do), and he liked my sister last year. And well, the jealous creature inside of me came out, and told me I needed to befriend him.

Long story short, guess who likes me right now!!? And short story long.... I wish he didnt. I dont want him to like me. I just wanted to be his friend. I really didnt expect him to like me, at least not anytime soon. And I feel like shit. Completly horrible. Because I dont dislike him. I acctually really do want his friendship, but its too soon to judge anything else.....its just weird.

...I talked to Kim about it. Because he liked her, and shes still friends with him and such....so I wanted to ask her what to do. And she cut me off, telling me that I must like him, and that "It would be totally non-koshuer if you two went out.....I really disapprove". Ummm.....that really irked me. I have no idea what the hell that was all about. So I dont know what to do about him. I want to be his friend, but I dont want to hurt him. Hopefully it was nothing. Maybe just leftover feelings he had for his ex, that he needed to place somewhere else. I dunno.

Heh -- Irony in the situation: He's mine and Carol's bill partner (from youth and gov)'s ex. La la la....small world.

And oh yeah, I have strange feelings for someone ELSE thats totally uncalled for, and out of the picture. Just an attraction, though. And it cant be. Cuz I dont want to even think about it. I want to cut it out of my mind, because its unquestionable. <--- another thing thats really bothering me right now. Another thoguht I dont know where to place. Another feeling I have to throw away. Stupid, stupid me. I knew this would happen. But really, its nothing. So I'll take this time out to tell myself to shutup.

Anyway, yeah. Just updating my life. If thats what it is, anyway.

2003-10-13T22:06:00.000-04:00

Oh, and Rachel - this is really cute, thought you might like it: - Kitty -

2003-10-13T22:04:00.000-04:00

Its easier to run...

Oh my god. I dont remember the last time I took such a long break from writing. The world must have given up on me. I am, however, alive. But I'm not sure how much I am. I've jsut been very busy lately. So busy, and so tired. And obviously lazy to the point where I dont even have the energy to write. And I'm not sure how it's affecting me.

I cant think straight for 2 seconds anymore. I'm just a mix of jumbled emotions and strange ideas. I dont know what I want, and even if I did, I wouldnt know how to get it anyway. Its strange to say exactly how I'm feeling. I'm not even near depressed. I hate that word, and that emotion, Its over-used. I'm not happy either. I kind of have this immature happyness that I use when I'm with people, just to kick back and laugh.....but its a shallow laugh. Its not a love for life. Its a temporary solution.

I'm introverted, not extroverted. But I've been forced to be more of the other, lately. And its hurting me. Physically hurting me. I get these weird chest pains that feel like someones repeatingly stabbing me in the heart every once in a while. Sometimes they last longer then other times. And sometimes I cant breathe when I get them. But they've been going on now for about a month or more. And I dont know whats causing them. Psychological, or acctually a medical problem - I dont know. I do know that it's not exactly normal.

ugh. whatever. I dont know, I really dont. Even right now. I just want to sleep. Not care about a thing. Just ignore everything thats going on around me, and have a nice, deep sleep. Yet at the same time I want to get out there and do all these things. I mean I acctually have a list of things I want to do, and not one of them is checked off. And I'll talk about it a lot too, but its never mnore then talk.

Talk. Wow. Gossip. I was never one for gossip. But once you get to a certain point, you're willing to talk about anything. I realized that gossiping isnt all that bad. If its true. I mean, rumor spreading is wrong. But innocent, useful gossip is a good thing. You can acctually connect to people, and know ways to help each other out to survive and such. Sounds mean, but its really not. I did an awfully big amount of gossiping this weekend. Hell. I deserve it.

Anyway.....what else. Just rehersals and sleep, and music here and there. And life in the background trying to get me in it. But really. Do I ever think I'll be a part of life? I mean, in the whole, I know I probably wont get anywhere. At least where I want. And I'm not lucky enough to get the right people to enter. Not the peopel I want. God, I'm selfish. Selfish and picky. But I'm not spoiled like a lot of people I know. I'm just an idiot, really. I dont know what I am. I just ahve standars in life. But I'll never get them. And I cant make adjustments, because thats the type of person I am. And it sucks.

"...just washing it aside, all of the helplessness inside. Pretending I don't feel misplaced, is so much simpler than change....Its easier to run, replacing this pain with something numb. Its so much easier to go, than face all this pain here all alone..."

ok. I have to stop. I dont know where I'm going. Too many days sans writings. Too many things left unsaid. Too many thoughts left untouched. So many words I'm unable to express. This is almost a waste of time. I cant even say what I'm truely feeling anymore. If anything.

oh god, I really dont know.

2003-10-01T00:00:00.001-04:00

October Skies

Sometimes you realize you'll never allow yourself to move along, unless you stop thinking about something you love. Sometimes you change your mind too often anyway to acctually have a set thought on a person or cause. Sometimes you wonder if that will keep you forever lonely...

"...I was a fool to believe... A fool to believe... It all ends today... Yes, it all ends today... Today's the day when dreaming ends..."

Sometimes you just want someone really badly, but either cant admit it because of complications, or cant find the right one. Or maybe its impossible to settle your thoughts on one set person anyway - for other reasons...

October. Remembering, as I always do, I had a sort of relashionship last year at this time. This month. I acctually had someone. Ruling out whatever it was that I felt for him - good or bad - my point is that I had someone last year... and I remember how it felt...

I was in the car tonight, after dark. The moon was out, and my window was open. I could feel the cold air. But rather then chilling me, it gave me this comfort unlike any other. A comfort I can barely explain. I looked out at the moon, and I felt a sudden power overcome by a hint of sadness rush over me. It stirred my blood. -- that line. How often you hear it in all sorts of liturature, but its never used. Well I bottled that feeling tonight...

Singing. All types of singing. Acting. Playing. All the arts combined. Getting up in the morning, listening to rock. Going through the day. Classics, orchestral pieces. Afternoon, come jazz, and theatre. Nightime brings all together will precision and fixation. To dwell into the brain. Burden, or passion...

Life. Its become a constant diff of unrelated thoughts, performed in such a way that it all mingles together into one seeminlgy stunning production. A Farce. But yet, all the same, a Drama. Incomplete without its Comedy. A myth without its Tragedy. Lifeless Mysteries. All together with a touch of Fantasy...

Sitting on the cool dock in a misty morning. Riding through the lands on a rainy afternoon. Running to the woods on a deep, clear night - with that dark shadow. Seen not, is it's face. Just a promise of living. Breathing. Reacting to my every mood. Maybe its someone. Maybe I've just mistaken it for my own shadow...

This month, one year ago. No worries. No bothers. Not almost 10 pounds since that previous august. Not hating all she does now. Not missing those that have left her. Not falling into the pattern of getting up and going to bed each day only for that bit of coffee she rewards each 6am hour, of each continuous day. Not constantly bothered by all those who she cares none for, and ignored by all those she desires. Not taken over. Not giving up hope-

October. Such a word. As I say it, I can imagine myself sitting there staring at the moon, a listless expression on my face. Staring and wishing. Fantasizing. The dock. The car. The welcoming woods. The darkness. The night. As listless turns to demure. Demure turns to curious. Curious turns to a smile of interlude. Which turns into an outright laugh of cynical wonderings... Or of happyness... Or of senselessness...

This month. A year. So many things changed. Yet, a continuous pattern was never clear. Chance. Its all chance. Who's to say tommorow wont be different. Lost, won. Its all a part of life. That winding craziness of consious or unconsious thought. Love, or lust. Wanting, or needing. Longing, or dreaming. Knowing, or debating. Having, or lacking...

Its all a part. A little piece of the whole. A little sparkle to the stars. A little shine in the moon. The cool air of the morning. The freedom in the ride. The forbodingness of the forest. The insight of imagination...

...The sudden rude awakening from your dreams.

2003-09-26T22:46:00.000-04:00

The show must go on.

Its been a long week. Very long. And as the weekend lies ahead, I dont think I even care. Just more work to do, things to look over, a job to work at.....it never ends. So I thought it would be good to do the play. So I thought I'd enjoy jazz choir. Instead, its become a real conflict. All other years they made exceptions for the multi-talented, but this year? "I dont know what to say, make your own judgement", seems to be the prodominant answer by both theatre coach and choir "teacher".

So this weekend will be spent studying my lines, working on the jazs songs I dont know, and working on my music for voice lessons. So as to impress these hopeless people. Nothing ever worked before, why did I think this would be any different? I also feel as if I'm the weaker link of the comedy. Every character has their certain character trait.....mines just the nice girl who trys to be everyones friend. Theres no crazyness about her. Nothing that makes her stand out, as the others do. Shes just.....there. And I want everyone to think I'm good. I fear they might just think me as boring, or something.

And "...blah blah, dont care about what people think...", seems like the best thing to say to me right now, while in fact, its possibly the worst thing to say. Because I do care. At least in a sense I do. I want people to think I'm good. I want to make someone laugh. Have fun. Have people notice I'm having fun. And have respect because of it. I want people to like me, for a change. No. Not to like me like some random girl to target at..... I want them to have an admiration, and a respect for the hard work I do, and the talents I may have. All people.

...but you get your random nuisances. I feel like I get them more often then others, but that could just be a self-centered problem that I probably need help on, or w/e. Anyway, point is this: A guy in the play likes me. Or has a little high school crush on me, as I'd say. Apparently, though, he "reeealllly" likes me, and hes not afraid to show it. He follows me around like a puppy. Almost to the point of stalking. And hes sooo annoying. Hes a nice guy and all, and everyone knows it -- but hes not right for me. Hes a real attention craver, and I'm just not up for that.

Ugh, but he makes me feel so evil, because hes so consistant. He just wont give up. I'm dropping hints left and right...and he just DOESNT UNDERSTAND. He even got me a flower today, because we had a flower sale thing at our school. I knew he would. I dreaded it. So...yeah. Heres this guy. He gets me flowers, showers me with attention, and really likes me. And I'm about to blow up on him and tell him to get the fuck away from me. Who looks like he horrible one? Me, of course. Why? Because no one understands. Why should they. Its my personal opinion, who repects that anymore?

Really, I was talking to my friend Joe the other day in music theory, and he was like: "About 17 people like you right now". He was exagerating, but he really did start naming names left and right. What the FUCK do these people see in me?? I kind of just want to be left alone right now. Or be with someone who doesnt need 24/7 attention. Just someone I can have occasional fun with, you know? I want to keep my options open. And, GOD, these people dont even know me. It makes me look bad that people can like me, and I'll turn them all down. I'm the one that gets labled as "picky" and "insensitive".....but, GOD. Its nice to have people like you, it is, however, at the ridiculous point.

I figured out why, though. I'm not a terribly ugly girl, not amazingly pretty either -- attractive enough to handle, but nothing special. I'm also not popular, like one of the little cheerleading hoes or w/e....so they dont have to worry about me not respecting them for who they are. And they can also think that I might be glad if they are a little higher up on the social ladder. Its politics. And I'm seen as the easy target. And thats why people like me. Not anything about my personality. Just politics.

I'm a very self-loving person. I enjoy making myself happy. I enjoy pretty things. I'm not as materialistic as the average Taurean, but I do enjoy my personal things, and enjoy my style of life. I treasure small things, and have a hatred and a closed-mind for those things related to the closed-minded..... I'm not the most accepting person in the world to an outsider who makes no effort to respect me back. However, once those barriers are broken, I will do all in my power to make you feel just as I try to make myself feel. I wish no harm on anyone. I wish no evil curses or hatreds, either. I will accept all those who make an effort, and enjoy it as I do so. I'm also one of the few people who are a push-over to forgiveness. People make mistakes, we're all human. And I recognize that. But I'm only human too. I can only take it up until the point of breaking. And believe me, my breaking point is very hard to reach, unlike others.

All I'm really trying to say here, is that I'm my own person. I hate when people enter only to take advantage, I hate people who dont enter at all - but rather expect things from afar, and I hate when people think I'm something I'm not. I'm very out in the open. Anything you see, I am. Of course everyone has their secrets -- I have a few I wish not to discuss anymore -- but basically, I'm really not very layered. I watch people. I observe so many things. But people dont know, because they dont take the time to know. And I'm misunderstood.

So...yeah. I guess I should be off now. I should really start thinking about my jazz, my lines, my notes, my job, my homework, my life - you know, all that non-sence I'm living for. I guess happyness doesnt last forever. At least I can say I tried it out for a few weeks. But reality returns, and my mood enters fickleness and ridiculous variation once more. I can only hope that it will be better in the morning. And I can only dream that next week wont be as bad as this one passed.

2003-09-20T23:36:00.000-04:00

So it's a good life after all?

You know what I hate? Drama. Life drama. People that force you to talk about other people behind their backs. People who are always trying to get information out of you. People who make you into nothing but a back-stabber.....because you cant stand to not help someone with something.

Who am I talking about? Bryan and TJ. Nice people when they want to be....but I realize they're both using me to get back at each other. And to get information out of me. And to get me to talk about the other person. But I try not to. I usually defend the other person. And then get an attitude from them. And why do I put up with it????

Thats the question, really. I'm so above this gossip non-scence. But I guess I brought myself into it all 2 years ago, when they entered my life. I felt bad and took them under my wing. And now I'm used. Or else, I feel like I'm being used. I talk about them so carelessly behind their backs. It makes me sick, really, how fucking fake I am.

It was only so long before I knew they were going to split as friends. They each have so many problems to sort out. The immaturity of them is disturbing. And they bring so many other people into it. It amazes me that they have an idea of whos their friend one week...and whos not the next.

Anyway, whats my point??? Besides for the fact that it slightly angers me....I'm just glad that my life doesnt have this in it. When I really sit down and think, I realize how many problems I lack, and how my life really is something good. I am a charmed person. Or lucky, who knows. My friends dont change a million times a day. I dont have constant fights and arguments. My life is normal. And thats pretty good.

So....umm...where exactly am I going with this?? hehe. I dont know. I guess I was just bored, and had nothing else to say. Thats about all the hyped up and exciting news for now. Hope you can handle it. lmao.

OH! And jazz choir postings are up monday... so still no news on that.

2003-09-18T20:54:00.000-04:00

Tragedy tommorow, comedy tonight.

Well I GOT THE PART!!!!!!!! :D Belinda Blair, the stylish actress in her mid- 30's. She tries to be the peace-maker of the crazy cast, but she's also the gossip.....so....hehe. yeah. Its a comedy called "Noises Off". Insanely funny. Going to be extremely hard to pull off. I have a lot of fucking lines to memorize now, and the entire play is in pandimonium. Really. hehe.

And today was tryouts for jazz choir. I really think I have a chance this year. Not like I want to get my hopes up or anything......but I think its my time to shine. :) Finally. How long have I waited?

Now that I dont really have to worry about my classes TOO too much.....I can think of more outside things, clubs, community service...etc. College orientated things. So I'm thinking of joining the church choir. I know I'm not much into the religion thing right now...but maybe if I start going again, I can be. Else I can at least have more time to sing....and its hours of community service, none the less. Hehe. Plus it gives me something to do on a sunday night that I'd probably be doing nothing anyway.

So then I'll have clubs to show.....youth and government, french club, the comedy.... and I'll hopefully have jazz choir too. I wonder if marching band counts as anything. It should. It sucks enough to. OH! And Tri-M!!! Its like the national music honor society thing....have to think of something to do for that. hm. And I might make it into SCMEA this year (the all-county music festival)....(though I shouldnt get my hopes up on that). And then I'll have church choir as community service. Cause colleges love shit that shows character. God...my life really is music orientated. I still dont know what I want to do in the future though, so....heh. Guess it doesnt matter.

Anyway, hows social life right now? mine...umm...well, I dont like anyone in that sense right now. Nor do I really care at this moment. I'm acctually happy right now, its like it doesnt even matter at the time. I'm just living for myself right now. And if someone enters.....theres always room for it, but its not a necessity. I'm glad that I have that control right now. Lifes harder to get by when you constantly need someone. Even if I did have someone, I'd probably only get bored of them if I saw them a lot anyway....so w/e.

I'm at the above section of life right now. I'm not letting gossip get in my way, not crying through each night. I wake up, and every morning is a new cup of coffee. And I long for that fresh new smell of each cup. Somedays I get angered. Sometimes I snap at people.....but generally life is good right now. Which makes it hard to write intellectually.

Probably sometime this weekend I'll write something. Its one of those lacking a topic times, though. I'm just helter-skelter right now. In such organization, that I'm lost in myself rather then outside. I fade and come back like the wind. I shift moods like waves in the water. I'm definatly at an odd state. But happy, indeed.

2003-09-15T21:46:00.000-04:00

La vie est beau.

First day of crazyness sailed over. I guess it wasnt that bad. In fact, I smiled a lot today. I was happy. I had fun auditioning. I dont even care if I get a call-back. It would be very nice......but just the fact that I was there made me happy. I love theatre. Floyd theatre. The group of people are so fun to be with. No matter what, they make you smile.

I'm happy that auditioning is over with for today. Callbacks tommorow cant be too bad.....he knows I'm either the part, or not the part -- so tommorow wont matter much anyway. And I'll have the feeling down better anyway. ....and I'm really looking forward to jazz choir tryouts. I absolutely love to sing. And if I dont get in I'll be pretty upset.....but I'm going to try my hardest, and go in with my head held high. No nervousness at all. Because singing is a passion. And I have it. For god's sake, I sing in my sleep.

Anyway....points here are: You can feel like a major dirt bag one day, until you totally turn yourself around the next. I have assimilation problems....but I'm working them out. In more ways then being confident. I may do stupid things here and there, but they only make me a better person. Each mistake gives me a chance to reflect back, thinking, "wow...why the FUCK did I do that??" ...and allows me to come up with alternate solutions for another time.

So.....yeah. This is going to be a good week. I'm learning how to adjust. How to just smile and laugh, be happy, and associate with the people near me. And its not bad. Though I'll still feel a little angered on the inside...its only the times that I really sit down to think, in which I feel this way. While going through my normal day, however, everything seems right.

So maybe its all a lie. A lie I live. Maybe I'm a fake person. Or maybe I'm just struggleing to survive....? Sometimes I do wish I wasnt such a smart person. A person who knew the difference between reality and illusion. A person who reads others so well - in a near flawless way. Someone who sees through them. But since I am.....it makes it harder for me to get by. But this is the life I live, so mine's well enjoy it. Its really not as bad as I tend to think it is.

Have a nice week everyone. I really mean that.

2003-09-12T23:09:00.000-04:00

The fear of Life

Not exactly sure what to write. Had mandatory marching band tonight. sucked ass. Because not only do I hate football, but I'm not popular at all.....and marching band entitles all the popular people to laugh sadistically at you. Not that I care what they think about me, but it sucks anyway. Just cuz you have to deal with it.

Try-outs for the play are on monday, callbacks on tuesday. Only 9 parts to fill, 4 being female roles. Try-outs for jazz choir on wednesday, callbacks thursday. Long week ahead of me, I'm going for both. Not sure of what to expect. Perhaps another failure, like last year. Or maybe I'll get one of the two. Who knows. But I'm getting a little nervous over them. Tough I know I should just go in with my head held high. -sigh- I just hope that no one expects me to be something better then I am -- which I fear the director does, so I'm a bit uneasy.

eh. I'm just unsure of a lot of things right now. People, life, society, actions I should take. Things I want to do. Things I shouldnt do. etc. I dont know. People think life is a big joke. Buit its really not. I dont want mine to be, at least. I laugh about life so much....but when it comes down to it, I really am stuck in that moment that I cant get out of. I'm such a dreamer. I imagine things to be how I want them....and I know it never gets to be that way. Especially now.

So many ideas I have. I cant keep track of them. I dont know how they'll ever be resolved. I feel like I cant even express them into words anymore.....in fear of letting out the wrong things to the wrong people. No one knows everything, and I hate that. I cover some parts for people who I know will disaprove. Because I ahte disaproval when I know its coming anyway. Like anything they say would matter.

But I feel like I'm living a lie. A big lie. Its hard to express. Really. The things I want to do. The things I want to say. I fear so many ideas lately. I fear life. I dont know what to do anymore. I can be so excited over something....and then once the time comes, it feels so illogical and wrong. How can you get rid of those feelings? How can I just let it all go, and live?? I dont know....

The things I want to say to certain people, seem incredibly outrageous in my mind. I write them down. In my own private journal. I cant even express fully to my blog anymore. I fear the innocence is lost. I wish beyond anything that I could tell... that I could ask... but the fear of the otherwise failing answer would be too much. And I wouldnt be able to live.

But I'll never know unless I try, what the outcome will be. "try, try!!", people exclaim to me. How easy for them to say.....they're not the ones risking everything. I never will know the answers to my questions in life. I'm too logical. Too smart to ever try and ask. The answers known. And for what the question might be? Perhaps no one will ever realize. Maybe I, myself dont even realize.

hm. I'm not sure where I'm going with this. Too many drifts towards the dream-land once again. I guess I'll go back to my fantasy world, and write at another time...

2003-09-08T22:22:00.000-04:00

Premonitions of a heartless life.

Ever get that horrible sinking feeling? How you wait for that inevitable moment to come up...and when it fianlly does, your heart just falls? I hate that. It happens too often with me. I sense things. I almost feel as if I know everything before it happens. Maybe its a gift I have - though I sometimes hate it. I only see the bad things coming. I feel them. I know right away when something is going to change...and I just wait for the moment it does.

Some people may think thats a gift. But to me its a horror. I know it seems like a warning - but I'd rather just think that I was wrong, and still have hope. But its always right. Hope. I dont know the meaning of that anymore, though. Hope was lost from my vocabulary sometime last year. I'm shocked at how quick I am at knowing the things that are coming up. This sense amazes me, yet I fear it at the same time. -sigh-

I fear that this is a pattern for the year. Everything goes semi-ok, until I have one of those horrible feelings, and it all comes crashing down once again. The friends I've lost to fakeness, the intelligence I'm going to lose in my easy-ass classes, best friends other then myself breaking up, not getting a chance with others, etc etc etc. I'm going crazy over it.

I refuse to accept it. I really do. I put on my face of smiles, but that sinking feeling builds. And builds. And I hate it. I havent broken yet, but every little thing builds onto the point of my breakage. The strain point. Where no matter how much weight is on it -- if you pull it slightly in the wrong direction, the rope will snap. The rope of life.

Why this sudden surge of emotions? Not much of a reason. Just that Youth and Government is coming up, and I had a bill partner all set...that decided to tell me today that hes working with someone else. Not a big deal, I have Ca if she still wants to work with me, but still. I knew this was going to happen. I felt it. And it just creeps me out that he did end up working with someone else. And I joked around, telling him he "broke my heart", when in acctuallity it did really upset me. Dont know why.

And maybe thats my mini strain point, because I feel like I'm going to cry. I was so strong, I havent cried yet. But, all at once....this is just a horrible time. Everyone that I want to be miserable - they are all so happy right now. Everything is going good in their lives, and they love it. Whether theyre being fake or not, they love it -- and I'm being excluded in this happyness. I dont feel it. I NEVER feel it. And I HATE how they all feel it and love it. I get stuck with this weird power of foreshadowment, which makes me so utterly miserable...while they get a nice, happy time. They get hugs in the hallways. They take the attention of the people I want it from.

Everyone had to change this year. Everyone had to change so much. I guess I fucking forgot to change. Because, all fallacy set behind: I'm still the same fucking person as always. The complete same. I still hate them. I still hate them with all my blackened heart and soul. But I cant let them know. How hard I'm trying not to let it show.

I hate life, I absolutely hate it. I'm trying so hard to be optimistic, but every time I try, things seem to get a bit worse. I'm trying hard to be accepting/accepted.....but I seem to bring myself further away from the group. I'm trying to stand out, but all I do is blend further in.

Why me? Why does it have to be me that hates them? Why cant I be fake like the rest of them, and like it? I cant. I just cant. I can only be me. And my life is the one of hatred. The one of reality. The one that is so down in the rut, they see things only for what they really are. Maybe too much of what they really are.

Things will never be the same again. All things. These changes, though they seem so trivial, have caused such a disturbance in the balance of my life.....things will never be the same. And I dont think theres anything I hate more then change.

2003-09-07T22:06:00.000-04:00

Home, home again.

Well it was a long weekend. But I'm back. I went up to Oneonta with my Mom to visit my sister. Had hardly any sleep. And all I basically got out of it was: Oneonta sucks. College life sucks unless your with someone you know and care about. And the town is horrible. Theres nothing out there. It is nothing in New York -- its all just one huge farm. You fucking DRIVE IN CLOUDS up there because of your elevation.

Long Island is the center of the Universe -- I will not go upstate for college. Not in a million lifetimes, not in this one. I love it here. Theres so much action - theres civilization. Theres people you love, people you hate. Its great. My life, so far, was spent here. Why go somewhere totally different? Maybe theres something nice in abother state - but not upstate New York. Its the absence of life. Its a cloud.

Yeah, so, anyway...I got home at around 3:30, ate something, and then slept from like 4 until 9. Now I'm up and moving, on the computer. I still havent had any homework, so its not like I have anything to settle my brain on. And I miss my favorite period tommorow because of an assembly -- so theres really not much to look forward to. Except I dont really mind school anymore. Its just a reason to get up. So although I say I hate it - I'm secretly enjoying the energy I have now.

And I'm enjoying the fact that I'm still in high school, and dont need to stress myself out so much. This is the life, and I have to live in it. I really should just stop the complaining - because once high school's over, thats it. The end. Life starts. And I'm putting that off.

-sigh- w/e. This entry really didnt have too much of a point. Except for the fact that Oneonta sucks, college sucks, and basically life sucks. But not yet. Not for me. I'm glad I'm not in my sisters possition. I'm glad that I still have time. I'm not sure how to use that time just yet, but I'll find a way. hm. I dont know.

2003-09-03T21:04:00.000-04:00

Learning how to breathe...

Well, umm, I guess it could have been worse. Acctually, probably not. The first 4 periods were fine. Second period especially -- music theory. It was, by far, the highlight of my day. Repretory theatre will be fun also. And, well, chorus is ok. But after that? I want to torture and kill myself. I'm acctually wishing for notes to copy, work to do. So I wont have to be bothered with my surroundings.

There are a few people I'm not near anymore, though, that I'm very glad of. Like a few of the dumbass jock people that make snide remarks about you every 3 seconds. -- The assholes I'm with arent even smart enough to do that. And the extremely smart people that just get sooo annoying. Hey, I might be annoying to my classmates now. Who knows? BLEH!

God, its gonna be an icy year. The hatred really does surmount when you have nothing to challenge yourself with. I'm not used to my surroundings. I have to ace my classes - at least without the people I'm used to I can probably stay on track, and pay attention. Maybe be a little organized this year?? omg, never.

But just....ugh. I'm not with anyone. I dont see them at all. They are all talking and laughing together - but I'm no longer in their world. I'm an outsider once again. No surprise, really. I'm always looking in.

I am proud of myself, however. I figured that when I saw the low-life "ex" of mine I would once again feel an attraction of sorts to him - like I have in the past. But today? I kept control. He walked over, and I shooed him away. Even with his nice new hair cut.....even with his braces taken off....BUT! I held my ground. I'm above them. No longer in their juvinile bullshit gossip-land. Hes just a bother now. A scab, once again, quickly fading. Hes an old part of me. That ended long ago. -sigh-

...A few other things also: I no longer care about those certain random people I've expressed outward hatred to. Their accomplishments are their own. And whether they deserve them or not - its life. They have become a crowd to me. A crowd that will either be ahead of me, or behind me. But never with me. I will make it a point never to mention their names again in a degrating context. Its not worth it.

So, no tears shed, I got through the day. And thats all I wanted. Will there be tears? Maybe on a lonely, rainy, cold, sunday afternoon while I hide away in solitude at work. But not now.

And as Oasis says, "....dont you know the cold, and wind, and rain dont know - they only seem to come and go away..." Which is true. Very true.

Although I hate it, I will face it. With my head held high. And though my dislike and envy will eat me away on the inside - I wont let them have the satisfaction of seeing it.

For all they know, I love this year. And I love my life. Whether thats true or not, why should they know? Its my life, not theres. And I will live. And breathe. And do these things as I see fit.

2003-09-01T00:42:00.000-04:00

quicky.

yeah. Sarah called yesterday. We talked for about an hour. Annoying as all hell, if you ask me. I guess I should just forgive her like nothing ever happened?? or not. Bullshit. I dont think she understands the fact that she ignored me the ENTIRE summer. Well she asked if I was busy tommorow, and if I could go shopping with her. I told her that I might not be busy, so maybe.

I didnt acctually mean that, though. I'm not getting walked all over again. I will have something to do whenever she calls, now. And if I dont, I will make something to do. Until she figures it out, and apologizes for real.

Besides.....I think I am doing something tommorow anyway. Ca's having a pool party. But I dont know when it starts, so I guess I'll call her tommorow. She called me tonight, but I didnt get it -- stupid service in my working town. And I realized she called too late, so w/e.

yeah, so anyway......HOLY SHIT! ITS SEPTEMBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF??!!??! I have school in 2 days. 2 full days remain of my summer. Its like a weekend. But I'm loving it. The change in the atmosphere, the sudden shift to coldness....Its to die for, really. This is my prime.

....and I have more to say, but I'm really feeling tired tonight. So I guess I'll go, and write tommorow or something. On my last full summer night.

2003-08-30T01:32:00.000-04:00

Life, as it comes.

So, um, anyway....I forgot to mention in the past couple of days - I dropped out of AP English already (didnt even start the class yet) .....but remember how I was all stressed about doing the project? Well I dont have to worry about that anymore. Its not like I only droped out because of the project -- its also the atmosphere, the people around. I wouldnt have been myself. But thats no problem now.

It was a well-made decision. Even though I'm thinking of english as a future carreer of some sort (maybe) -- I can learn all the shit I need to know in college....without worrying about high school drama. Its just the best and safest bet for me right now in my life.

There are a few things on my mind, however. I'm a Junior in one Sophmore class. Not because I'm stupid or anything.....but because I skipped over Bio, and took AP Chem instead. And they would put me in AP Bio next....but I'm fucken finished with any type of AP Science, so I'm in standard Bio - which is only offered as a sophmore class. So yay, I get to deal with that ridicule. I think I'm the only one whos doing that. Oh well.

(^anyone catch that run-on sentance?? Maybe its a good thing I'm not taking AP english, lol)

And I'm in all standard for the first time since....well, kindergarden. I was one of those kids put into special classes - for those who werent being challenged enough. I was a brain in my younger days. And I slowly just lost it. Or got lazy. w/e. And now I'm in standard english and history. Totally dropped out of math. So the people I'm with this year are going to be so strange. I'm lucky, however, that I'm taking all the music classes that I am. Perhaps they'll open me up a bit. Maybe bring me back to my old self? The one I lost 3 years ago? maybe. Things to think about.

What else? hmm. I had a mini school-shopping spree yesterday -- got 4 pairs of pants. Can I please ask why 2 of them were size 7? Yes, size 7. I was worried about being a 3-5 last year. Now I'm a 7. They claim the pants run small. I'm not buying into that shit. And the retailers are all "oh, girls want a big ass these days". Well speak for your fuciking self!! I'm not a "J-LO" wanna be. I wont even fucken say "J-LO" without quotes. I'll settle for a small ass if it makes me less then a size 7. I'd like to be fucken proportional please. ugh, w/e. I hate people. They dont know how to keep there mouths shut at peoples emotions. I can fucking see emotions. Why cant others???

Maybe its a gift I have. Well, everyone has it -- I just chose to use it. God, I hate people.

...Oh yeah, I (breifly) talked to Sarah a few days ago. (Cuz she sent me a postcard from her vacation -- strange) Turns out she is alive -- and she claims she had the BEST SUMMER EVER!!!! However, she mentioned her only downfall was not seeing me. ...yeah, bullshit. I told her not to bother calling me, cuz I dont want to waste her time......and she went in her defense mode. Care to be enlightened by her intelligence?:

Me: got your postcard, but wondering why you didnt call me the entire summer.
Her: I 've tried but u have no idea what it was like!!
Me: what, busy?
Her: i'M SORRY THAT I CAN'T RTEALLY TALK NIOW BUT I'm at James house....can I call you tomorrow? i
work at 5 so, the day time?
Me: ugh, dont even bother. I dont want to waste your time.
Her: wtf?
Her: w/e....y didn't u call me?
Her: y is this my fault?
Me: i did for the first couple of weeks
Me: and then i just gave up cuz you never called me back
Me: i called you a lot
Her: wut?
Me: and you were always busy/going to call me back
Her: call u back?
Me: and you NEVER did
Her: i traveled places..i had at least 3 deaths this summer!!! i got a new job that i've been working 7 days
a week...i went to florida...i got in a shitrload of trouble and had a great time doing it...i've had softball....u've got
no idea
Me: yeah, i dont have any idea, because you didnt bother to call me once. i wouldnt even care if you called me while taking a
shit....just to say HI IM HAVING A BUSY SUMMER, I miss you, ill see you once school starts.
Me: even that would be nice.
Her: and i've changed for the better this summer....it's was my best summer ever and the only downfall
was not seeing you...whether u believe that or not is up to you...so...i'll call you tomorrow...that is only if i feel like
being lectured -signs off-

...right. So apparently she didnt have time for the lecture either, cuz she didnt call back. yeah.

hmmm.....not in any of Carol's classes again, suprise there. NO, not really. I knew I wouldnt be in them. But shes not taking health this year either, so maybe she can be in my class next year. It'll be like old times....maybe we can have a few of our old friends there with us. Haha, I'm just kidding. (Her disguisting ex, and a few lame-ass retards who were friends with him were in our class in 8th grade health....I have to tell you, it was a fun year.)

So....yeah. The big day starts next wednesday. September 3rd. I wonder what it'll be like. I wonder how I'll like my teachers? I wonder who'll be in my classes?? ...I can already feel the energy running through me. This fear mixed with excitement. I remember how I was last year before the year started. How unsuspecting I was. And hey, maybe things will change this year? Maybe more will happen to me?? ...or maybe I'll hate it unlike anything I've hated before??

Who knows? This is the "up in the air" year. It can go either way. But I know I have to keep my ass on the ground, thats all.

BTW: I miss my sister. And Amanda's leaving tommorow. Its been a sad week. I cant believe Kimi's not here. I keep thinking that when shes on IM's, shes right in the basement, and I'll be about to go down there to say something to her....but shes not there. Shes in Oneonta. Shes 5 (or 8 with my traffic luck) hours away. And I wont see her again in person until November. Its fake...I never thought this would come. But it has. Life comes. And its real.

2003-08-27T00:43:00.000-04:00

Conflict

Life vs Work. My town vs there town. I dont know what to do. At work I just wanted to walk out and join the group that passed by today. That one that smiled and said my name as he went by... I smiled stupidly back at him. Couldnt say a word. Hes one of those guys whos smile just stops you in your tracks. I didnt even notice that until tonight. But.....wow. He has a great smile. His expressions are one of a kind. But how do I get his number? His sn? ....his name? Even his age? I dont know anything about him. Its just strange, you know?

But then I come home, and I'm haunted again. Because theres someone here who does know my sn. Who does IM me. And he did. And my thoughts closed to only him again. Why do I think about him? Why do I care? I want someone near me. And my mind always finds him. But I know hes not right for me. Hes not even close to being right for me. Theres too many complications. Besides, he has a girlfriend. Well, I dont know. Maybe he doesnt. Maybe that ended before it started. He doesnt speak of her to me.....so who really knows?

Wait, no. I dont care!! NO! ugh.....but I do. I'm getting to a stage in my life. I'm older now. I'm at that decision age. Of what I want to become. What I can and cannot do. What I chose to keep or leave behind. And I know what I want. Its hard to say, but I know. But where will I find it? Where will I find that right choice? I know of some fantasies I've had -- some false hopes and dreams.....but when will I enter reality?

I just want him as a friend. I need him as a friend. He opens me up, believe it or not. I stand up to him. And he puts up with it. I know he gets annoyed, but he always calls. Or IMs me. So he cant hate me. I'm getting to him somehow. But I dont know what to make of him. ....and in the other town there are so many options for me. But how do I go about it? Why am I frozen between these two worlds.

If I dont make any movements, nothing will ever happen. If I dont stop thinking about him, I'll never see the other World. I can leave him in the back of my mind if I must. Try out the new life, and come back to the old once I realize how much it will suck. But maybe it wont. Maybe I can be happy. Every day at the shop I wonder....can my future lover be walking in today? And maybe he has, and I havent realized it yet? Maybe hes the guy with the gorgeous smile?

Or maybe its all just an illusion. All my own creation.

2003-08-25T23:29:00.000-04:00

...sweet raptured light, it ends here tonight...

I have a new obsession. Evanescence. They are amazing. They really are. I cant sing her music while I listen to it though, cuz shes got such a belting voice....but I love it. All her songs are so sad, though. They really want to make me cry. But I listen to them because they relate. Not all of them relate....but some do. And by hearing the sad ones that dont relate, they make me feel as if it COULD be me, and I know not to do the things she does in her songs....and I want to do.

My Last Breath

*What Song by Evanescence are You?*
brought to you by Quizilla

"My Last Breath", Evanescence

"...hold on to me love
you know i can't stay long
all i wanted to say was i love you and i'm not afraid
can you hear me?
can you feel me in your arms?

holding my last breath
safe inside myself
are all my thoughts of you
sweet raptured light it ends here tonight

i'll miss the winter
a world of fragile things
look for me in the white forest
hiding in a hollow tree (come find me)
i know you hear me
i can taste it in your tears

holding my last breath
safe inside myself
are all my thoughts of you
sweet raptured light it ends here tonight

closing your eyes to disappear
you pray your dreams will leave you here
but still you wake and know the truth
no one's there

say goodnight
don't be afraid
calling me calling me as you fade to black..."

Isnt that such a sad song? Shes dying somehow. I think the whole album connects....

She first falls in love, and her lover seems to be abusing her, so shes unsure of what to do. She feels as if shes dying. (Going Under) Then she finally asks him to wake her up inside, and stop treating her so shitty. He realizes what hes lost, and tries to get her back, as she leaves. What she doesnt know, is that he will continue to look for her. (Bring me to life) She doesnt know of this, and thinks that he couldnt care less about her, so she curses him. She tells the world of how he has been foolish and betraying. She also sees that hes found someone else - because men are weak and always need someone. (Everyones Fool).

However, she starts to miss him. She realizes the good times, and how she cant live without him (My Immortal). I suppose theres a break here..... He somehow gets the message that she still has feelings for him, and he realizes all of the reasons he loves her. So he leaves the other girl, and starts to look for her again. She thinks he must be stalking her or something, and shes afraid of what he'll do if she returns...so she continues to run, although she knows deep inside she loves him. She thinks about him so much it hurts her (Haunted). Then because shes unsure of what to do - run/return - she cuts herself, thinking it will be fatal, and has a lie-in with questioning her faith, knowing that God cant turn His back on her (Tourniquet).

She lives, and forgets her guy for a while.... trying to conncentrate on her own little world. It doesnt come too easily, as her thoughts still ache for him a bit.....she calls to the Goddess of Imaginary life, but gets no answer (Imaginary). Then her thoughts are totally over-come by him, because she dreams of him too much. She finally decides to not run from him anymore, and looks for him, ready to take him back...but cant seem to find him. At this point, he probably has given up looking for her once again. (Taking Over Me)

She gets really depressed afterwards, because she cant seem to find him, and mourns herself to the world....trying to get anyones attention. (Hello). Then she knows finds out where he is. On her way there, I'm assuming she gets into some sort of accident. Maybe she was walking, and it was a hit and run? This happens just as hes on his way to look for her. He finds her just when hes ready to admit he loves her and will never hurt her again....But hes too late. He holds her in his arms until she dies. (My Last Breath). Finally she awakens in her death, and faces the world beyond, not knowing what lies ahead of her. "...forsaking all i've fallen for, I rise to meet the end..." (Whisper)

Thats how I interpret the album. I dont know if she meant it exactly like that, I'd like to know......but this is how it seems to me. And its very sad, isnt it? hm. I'd ask everyone for their thoughts on it, but I dont think anyone else listens to her. If I were any of the songs, however, I think I'd probably be "Imaginary". The song of how she tries to make up her own little life, but knows theres something missing. Something she cannot find.

hm. w/e. I guess theres nothing further to write here. All inspired by a little quiz I took.

2003-08-24T23:57:00.000-04:00

Its Official.

I'm an only child. Kim's gone at Oneonta. It was an emotional day of sorts.....Amanda went up with us to drop her off. So naturally Kim spent more time with her then me, but thats how it always ends up anyway.... And I'm back on the Island. First thing I did was come home and type. And I'm not sure what to do after that. I'm alone. I knew how alone I'd be....but I never really outwardly admitted it. Maybe I'll get the taist of the sucky life of lonliness.....finding out that it can be a lot worse then I imagined. Or maybe I can turn life aroud somehow.

For one thing, I dont know how I'm getting anywhere. Kim drove me all the time.....even to little things like McDonalds at 12am made my day. But no more of that. No more cruising in the car listening to music that I'd normally hate (yet acctualy enjoying it). None of that. No more seeing Mandi every day....no more seeing her other friends - who I started to really get along with. No further contact with any of them.....cuz I was never part of that group, but rather an outsider, anyway.

And I'm stuck with these two idiots. Doing shit like reading my blog and budding into my life will be at an all-time high. Veery high. Because now they dont have Kim to bother 24/7 -- and they already hate me for some unsuspecting reason....not sure, maybe because I'm not the oldest. But they will never leave me alone. Even now....I'm sitting online like always, and my Mom says "who are you tlaking too??!!?" ...im like, "um, people." And she gets up.... "huh?.... what??!? who??" .....I shout, "PEOPLE!!!" ....she answers stupidly, "oh, I thought you said someone inparticular..." ...slowly walks away.

Is this like a foreshadowment? I'm going to slit my wrist this year. No, its really gonna suck.

Once again I'm going to have to smile and pretend to make something good out of the worst situation.

I dont even know anything good that would come out of it....well, some things. If I had an open mind. Its easier to do things when you dont have judging eyes on your back all the time....thats something Kim always had. I cant sing/act/do pretty much anything in front of her.....so maybe I can be a little more crazy in those fields. Maybe get better. Maybe stop caring -- I dunno.

I really dont know. I'm still not sure of what to make of the situation. I'm at a loss for words. I just dont know what to do right now. I need some time to think. I was thinking a lot on the way there.....not so much on the way back. More crazy thinking on the way back, but on the way there.......I thoguht a bit tooo much. I need certain things to help me think. Certain music. Certain vibes from the atmosphere.

But I still am unsure of what to do. Either a lot of oppertunities can open.....or a lot are gonna die. Right now I dont know whats gonna happen. w/e. I guess I'll just take it as it comes, then.

2003-08-22T01:59:00.000-04:00

The past few weeks...

For the past few weeks I've had a breakthrough. I decided that diets didnt matter - I decided that I was going to eat whatever I wanted. All the chips, candy, hamburgers, and (mostly) ice cream, that my body allowed me to. I went through a week or two of this. Until finally I stopped to look in the mirror. My complextion horrified me. I mean, its not like those ones you see on the before/after commercials for "proactive" or anything - its not even really that horrible....But compared to others, I hate it. I hate it more then anything.

Every night I wash using my "velocity facial wash" religiously -- and I got to the level I wanted and admired. But even wth the solution, my consumption of junk just ruins what I worked for.

So now what are my options? The one thing I pleged to myself this summer was to come back to school the first day absolutely stunning. With a tan, a brand-new stilishly stylish haircut, (maybe even color), a great complection, and a great body.

I got my haircut the other day (its ok), a day at the beach will do enough coloring (a little will do), but my complextion?? F!! ~big failure.

I have to say, though. I'm happy with my body. I'm at the stage, stage 2, that I want to be in. At first I wanted to lose weight. My Mom has been brainwashing me into starting a diet. For gods sake, I even printed something out about eating right ~listing all this shit I would, not to mention could, NEVER live off of. ~ I guess thats why I went in the direction of eating ANYTHING I wanted.

But I ate. And I ate. And I never stoped eating. And I'm at stage 2. Stage 2 is the weight thats not model-thin, or brinking on "FAT". Its healthy. I'm at the state where people will not think "great, still an anorexic bitch". In reality they'll think, "hahaa!! ...she gained weight! Not as skinny as she used to be" - but in their real minds they'll think, "wow, she looks normal". Even if they dont think that, I dont care. I'm happy with it. I'm happy with my widening hips, happy that I have a caved-out belly rather then a caved-in one.

Geeze. That has to be the acoomplishment of the month. Normally I'd want to strive for perfection - strive for the perfect "95 pounds" weight. But in reality, no guy wants that. Only the ones who crave for perfection as well. They will never care for you if you become anything less then perfect. Waist of time.

Its a brave new outlook. Not sure how long its gonna last, but...w/e. I once was vain, but am I growing to acctually appreciate my vanity? No ones better then me, I know that. Everyone else should know that about themselves too.

But I saw a few flaws in my new outlook. I tried on this beautiful skirt at the mall, and for once it was really tight on around my ass. I got it anyway...but I knew I would get comments from closed minds - I mean, it looked good on me, but it wasnt a perfect fit. Sure enough, first thing my Mom said to me when she saw it, rather then "oooo, pretty", was "thats tight on your ass." Well who gives a fuck.

Who? ....maybe I do. A little bit. I dont want things to be too tight on me. What size am I? Possibly a 5...going to be a 7. Whats next? 10? 13? 28?! ...who knows. I feel exposed once again.

But then I remembered her tone of voice. She almost sounded if she has a twinge of jealousy in her. She was my weight when she was a teenager - now shes not. So why should I decide "not to eat" or something stupid like that, just because of a jealousy statement?! My best bet right now is not to do anything drastic...but to just eat healthy and maybe figure out some sort of excersize plan once school starts.

~sigh~ I cant believe people's jealousy lately. Although my sister and I get along unlike most other siblings - she has been expressing so much jealousy towards me. Especially in looks/clothing. I used to be jealous of her. Really jealous. But I finally decided to just focus on myself...and the tables turned. I hate jealousy, though. I hate having anyone jealous of me. It sucks. I know that sounds hypocritical, b/c I'm also a jealous person by nature - no, highly jealous of a lot of things....but to be jealous of me? Are people on crack?! Jealousy towards someone is knowing that they are better then you...and wanting something of theres.

So having someone jealous of me - anyone jealous of me - makes me seem like I ahve a great life. Makes everything seem so good. ugh. I dont even know where I'm going with this...it just upsets me. I wish I wasnt such a fickle person.

Some days I curse life, somedays I love it. But I'm so unsure of what I want. I'm so tense. Unrelaxed. I try to impress certain people, and what do I get? People are always either disapointed or jealous. Its a waist of time.

Cant anyone udnerstand me?
...anything I do?
...anything I want?
...anything I dream?
...anything at all about me?

NO, really. Screw everyone. Its not worth fretting over. No ones cares about anyone but themselves. They just imagine me, and others, however they want me to be - and they ignore, or are disapointed, of anything that looks/seems different. Everyone does it to everyone. So why should I be the exception?

...dunno. I shouldnt. Just fuck everyone, really. I'll find people eventually that understand me. Well, maybe I will. Probably not.

ugh, life sucks. But who knows? I'm fickle.... I'll probably be happy in another hour or so. I'll come up with another breakthrough or something. who knows.

2003-08-17T20:47:00.000-04:00

Attacks, and laughs

yup, you guessed it....I'm a bit bored.

2003-08-17T01:57:00.000-04:00

Unfinished

And I sit here. Motionless. I havent been online for about a week now....and the words dont come out. They wont come out. Not sure of what I even did this time to get grounded offline. One day it was slamming a door, another day it was something else. They are anal bastards, the two of them. I wanted to write a long hate-blog, but I just....dont feel like it. Its not worth it.

So anyway.....what have I been up to this week? Nothing really, I have to say. A lot of cut off-ness from the outside world. I guess I waisted my summer again...b/c its over now. I have a huge project to do in the last 2 weeks. And this is when I most miss everyone and want to do so many things at one time. I miss Ca, I miss Rachel -- amongst other people.

But no fricken time for that -- 500 pages of Malcolm X awaits me. But I dont feel like talking about that at all. I dont feel like talking about anything. Its sad....I feel so, I dunno. Disinterested. I wish I had will-power and things I enjoyed doing. But I'm a Misomaniac. (a person who hates everything.)

-- yeah, I guess I cant finish this entry. Theres not much to say at all.....but tommorow I'll have something to say, I promise.

2003-08-12T09:40:00.000-04:00

Inspiration

[written at 2-3am this previous morning]- looks around – I havent had a good write since sometime in June. Its horrible. To be a writer with no inspiration. Cause thats what I am, I guess. A writer. I used to know what to say....I always had a way to get by – always had something to say that made others wonder why they couldnt say it themselves. But now...? I’ve become the person to read into others lives, and think about my own. And think, and think, and think.....but I cant format the thoughts into words anymore. Lifes just become a mass thought, and a question of “why?”

I wonder where it comes from, inspiration Where have I gotten it in the past? People....thats one thing. I could go one for hours dreaming about what I wanted with certain people, and writing about how I pictured them to be in my own head......and then thinking outrageous scenes for the novel in my brain of “sweeping me off my feet” moments. ...but ever since my lack of faith, and fleeting of hope, those no longer come to me either.

Places? In my head? The worlds I have created.....I used to get inspiration from them, and from the other people I only knew as characters.....but ever since that World left me to wander by myself – left me alone, wondering how it all changed....confused me, betrayed me, and altered so much I was deemed “useless”, the creations left my mind to find someone else – someone better.

Where else has it come from? Who knows... But I know that I have none. I used to have so many belieifs and thoughts over things, but they slowly faded away. Like my thoughts being this strange dark creatue with certain powers over people. And there were different types, but I made myself out to be this great heroic, yet intoverted character that no one understands. And these thoughts got me by. Then was the thoughts about becoming the Taurean Heiress after I die. Hmm....wouldnt that be nice?

eh....strange thoughts possess my mind every so often. A man walked into the ice cream parlor today. I swear, he looked like (an ugly) version of Jhonny Depp in Pirates of the Caribean. That weird. He walked like him, he had weird dangally stuff on him.....etc, etc. I have this star necklace/ball chain I always wear, and he saw it. After I gave him his ice cream, he asked me: “are you a star....or you just like them...?” I told him I liked them. He paused for a moment, and said to me (like he was really thinking about it) “hm. ....you must be from the star planet then.” He then proceded to tell me that he was a medicinal healer, and how his great great grandfather was a cheif of some cherokee tribal thing.....

I figured that was blog-worthy. I, a star child. Who knows? Maybe I am. I was always into astrology.....In fact, I miss those days. ...heh. lol. Where I knew so much, where I could practicaly predict my own days and such. Where I was viewed as as a slight lunatic by others who didnt believe. That was one of the things I truly believed in. And everyone needs a thought to get them by.

And this was mine. Hey, this is my thing. I can get by with just my darkness for now, I know I can. To once again keep an open mysterious mind would be great for me. And to concentrate on myself. Today was the first day ever that I ate a shot load of crap food (mostly ice cream), and instead of feeling like shit afterwards, and getting angry at myself that I ate so much.......I was acctyally very happy about it. I’m not fat. I might be getting a little bit more meat on my bones....but not fat. I need it anyway. I dont want to be a skeleton.

I couldnt believe myself. was shocked that I didnt care. And its not like I just “dont care” this time. Its the good side of not caring. Besides....if I ever want to attract anyone, I must be myself. Mark bought up a good point to me today at work....that no guy wants a skinny ass girl – the ones that care want something to hold.

Its true. Few guys want skinny girls. The ones who do only care for image. They strive for a perfection thats unheard of. They’re psychologically messed up, and they dont care about them at all. I learned that from an ex of mine, who bullshitted me about liking me, and month later I found out he was an “ass guy”. I mean sure, have your preferences if you want.....but I do have a personality as well.

But thats no matter. Its all for one, and one for....myself. Until someone steps it up, I’m on eqal grounds. Impress me? Make me swoon? Make me have those dumb lurches whenever I see you......or at least make an effort, and it will be taken into consideration.

But I’m finishe with killing myself over it. Someday I’ll find someone. Maybe. And if not? .....no. I will. Me and my pessimism will. – sigh –

Maybe the strange indian man is my temporary inspiration. hm. Who knows.

I must go now. Is around 3am, and I’m sitting on my bed typing, watching the dvd of labyrinth. I have to sleep now, or I’ll die. hm.....as another swirl of thoughts begin...

2003-08-09T01:16:00.000-04:00

The Ice Cream Parlor

...I had an entry written out about my new lack of faith and all, but right now....I just cant type it. I'm not in the mood. I just got home from work, and I have about no energy left. Just a REELING head right now. Thoughts are at a blur.

I just have all these weird feelings my me right now. My stomach lurches so easily. I'm not sure whats going on, but every little thing is making me crazy. I'm not even sure if its in a good or bad way. Like.....is it bad feelings I have? Or is it the good kind of sick?!

Work has become the center of my life at the time, and I'm only now discovering the sort of people that are there. Theres a world there. There are single guys living in that town. I've become such a self-cenered person....that I dont even realize that there is more to life then whats 10 ft in front of you.

I can meet someone. I really can. I realize, as do they, that I'm available -- this new thought is suddenly emerged....and I dont know what to feel about it. I dunno. I feel really alone.....I want someone, I know. Right now, again, I'm feeling the urge of wanting someone really badly. But I just dont know how to go about it....

...I mean, I'm lost. I really have to admit it. I'm lost. I'm totally unsure of what to do. I'm a nervous wreck. I want to give my sn to like, everyone at once. But I know thats dumb. Cuz....what if I end up falling for more then one person? And then I'm stuck wondering who, and I'll never move on and acctually get someone. God, I'm dumb. A lonely person's cry.

Cry. I'm acctually crying....well, I was. And probably will be later. Listening to this band I've never heard before, 12 Stones, is making me want to cry. Thye're so emotional and they're music seems really sad. Its almost depressing, yet liberating at the same time. I dunno. Guess I can explain -- you just have to feel it.

~sigh~ What should I do? I've been shrugging off peopel for so long, due to haveing shit-people hitting on me....and now I have these people. Who are so different......who acctually seem to care. Who make efforts. hm.

god, I'm a confused piece of shit. eh. I guess I will find someone when I least expect it. Maybe this confusion is really just flase, and I have the clearest mind I've had in a long time....

....suddenly trivial matters close to home, trivial people -- they dont seem to matter much anymore.

heh, maybe I should just smile, and keep an open mind? Today this guy from switzerland was in the shop for 2 hours talking to me....and I was kinda getting annoyed shitless, and kinda creeped out.....and he said he was going to visit me tommorow at work. (eh, full-out scared now) .....so later on I asked a few guys that come in normally to just check in on me tommorow and stay in for a while if they can -- one of them works across the street....so he said to me: "if I see him walk in, I'll come over to say hi....." and later on when they were leaving, he was like "dont worry, I'll protect you..."

I didnt swoon, exactly, but it was close. I smiled. But I dont know... I dont really know anyone in that town. I wish I was there more often then just work. :/

Well who knows, maybe if I keep an open mind tommorow -- I'll find someone I never knew existed....hm...

2003-08-05T03:40:00.000-04:00

I just cant take anymore...

Well. I really am starting to not care. Not in the negative way, though. In the positive way, I guess. I'm just giving up....really. Does everyone have to find someone at the same time? No. I feel like I'm the only one being left behind in the dirt, here. But I guess I can say it doesnt really matter anymore.

Well, sometimes I do care. I feel like I have a split personality. (doesnt everyone?) Because one minute I can be hating everyone and everything....the next I can be laughing it off. I guess thats where my sanity lies on its edge. Once things get to a certain point of horrible...it usually just makes me laugh. Little things, though. Like fights with Mom's or sister's....maybe my life has hit a major one of those points, and now everything is just funny and uncaring.

Who knows. I had a high point and a low point today. High point: My Mom went to a Aerosmith/Kiss concert tonight.....and they're opening band was a not very well-know band called Saliva.....that I acctually love. (I went on a d/ling spree of them a few months ago, and I love all they have) -- she got me a cute t-shirt thats red and black - on the front it says "I Love You", all sweetly and pretty......and on the back in a messy font it says "I HATE YOU". hehe!! And the best part is.....she got them all to audograph it.

And then the low point was just some stupid thinking time about people and hooking up and stuff. No names mentioned, ~cough~. I mean....I can see myself with very few people. And right now, they're all taken. Even my back-ups. So...wtf am I supposed to do?! No, really. How fricken jealous and possesive can someone get?! Fucken taureanism. I really am a jealous person, though. I hate how some people can just give up so easily....I really make myself unavailable.

I hate that. I'm so guilty. Every little thing in life, I know I can place the blame on myself. I'm such a good and moral person on the inside.....who just wants a few luxuries in life. Its not like I'm really materialistic or anything. I want a loving person. I'm nice to everyone, though it comes out weird. I help all those who seek it and as for it, I'm nice to the people that everyone else wont be to.....even if I,, myself, really dont want to be....etc. But I'm also vain and sarcastic, or maybe just witty? And people see that as an attitude, and they think I'm some sort of mean bitch that hates the world.....I do hate the world, and everyone in it, but that doesnt mean that everyone has to hate me as well.....

....but I make myself unaccepted. I could be more accepting myself if I wanted to be. Maybe thats my problem, though. Maybe I dont really want someone, but I think I just need someone, because thats what society dictates. Sometimes I ponder that....but then why would I dream about a someone? Why would I want someone every second of the day. Why would I constantly be thinking about having someone? ~sigh~ This sucks.

ok...I dont even know what I'm saying anymore. I've gotten to the point where the sound of the keyboard typing is taking me over, and I just want to hear myself typing really loud and fast, and I dont want to stop for a second, because the sound is so entrancing, and I'm just getting lost in the letters....

...and I'm also starting to hear weird noises and stuff, they're probably just in my head, but once I get to this point I feel so paranoid and shit....I dont know why this happens.

hm. I guess I'll just go to bed before someone else tries to ruin my life. Or my day. Or just shine upon it for a while.

....why I like rain so much better.

2003-08-04T00:30:00.000-04:00

Sunday, Bloody, Sunday

....so Its official. They're a couple. Mystery "Erin" and him. lol. Makes me laugh. Happened yesterday, sunday it was...at least I guess it was. I asked him if he ever had a long distance relashionship before......1 guess at his answer. ...no.

insanemuse101: hi
Lady0fDarkness87: hey
insanemuse101: how are you?
Lady0fDarkness87: ok
Lady0fDarkness87: my stupid fucking ex has a girlfriend
Lady0fDarkness87: piece of shit
insanemuse101: yeah, i read that in your blog....just kill him
insanemuse101: exes SUCK ASS
Lady0fDarkness87: hell fucken yea
Lady0fDarkness87: its not gonna last him for shit
Lady0fDarkness87: and im gonna flirt with him a hell of a lot this year
Lady0fDarkness87: and make him break up with her
insanemuse101: yeah and she lives far away....really far away, and it will be over soon
Lady0fDarkness87: and be a home-wrecker
insanemuse101: first pretty girl (i.e. YOU) in the school year will flirt, and he'll give up
insanemuse101: cause he won't know what the fuck she's doing
Lady0fDarkness87: and then Ill once again pull away, cuz i dont like him....i just like showing him up for the dirtbag he is
insanemuse101: lol, i do that to my ex all the time
Lady0fDarkness87: exactly

Right. Thats all. This is retarded. Why do I care.

2003-08-03T01:37:00.000-04:00

Can we say "waste of time"?

HELLO:

(1) what is your name? Kerri
(2) Are you happy with it? not really.
(3) Are you named after anyone? nope. a stupid song, but not a real person.
(4) Why? because my parents suck
(5) Your screenname: Lady0fDarkness87, ShaddowedVixen
(6) Would you name a child of yours after you? hell no.
(7) Then what would you name your children? Im not having children.
(8) If you were born a member of the opposite sex, what would your name be? they didnt have a name for me....they couldnt agree on one. I was supposed to be a boy. suprise, suprise.
(9) If you could switch names with a friend, who would that be? I cant see myself as any of their names.....so no one.
(10) Are there any mispronounciations/typos that people do with your name constantly? yeah, its pretty annoying. Kerry, Keri, Kerrie....or they call me Carrie -- which is ok, b/c I want to be looked at as a psycho murderer....(never saw that movie, but someone once said I remind them of her)
(11) Would you drop your last name if you became famous? I'd have a whole different name

BASICS:

(12) Your gender: female
(13) Straight/gay/Bi: straight
(14) Single? yeah
(15) Want to be? not at all.
(16) Your birthdate: April 24th, 1987
(17) Your age: 16
(18) Age you act: 16
(19) Age you wish you were: 16?
(20) Your height: 5'3 1/2
(21) The color of your eyes: mmm, green
(22) Happy with it? only thing I'm happy with, acctually.
(23) The color of your hair: dark blonde, light brown
(24) Happy with it? i guess -- though I sometimes wish it were black.
(25) Left/right/ambidextrous? right.
(26) Your living arrangement? one story house, with a live-able basement, but not a finished one.
(27) Your family: mom, dad, sister (whos leaving me next year)
(28) Have any pets? The love of my life, Baby. (blue parakeet) ...theres other birds in the house, but they dont matter to me.
(29) What's your job: yay, ice cream parlor. i just love it there.
(32) Obsessions? music, computer
(33) Addictions? lets not get into that
(34) Do you collect anything? no.
(35) Do you speak another language? polly voo fransay?
(36) Have a favourite quote? not really.
(37) Do you have a webpage? ~looks around~ no.

DEEP THOUGHTS:

(38) Do you live in the moment? not really, i wish I did.
(39) Do you consider yourself tolerant of others? uhm, not really.
(40) Do you have any secrets? yeah
(41) Do you hate yourself? more often then I should
(42) Do you like your handwriting? sometimes
(44) What is the compliment you get most from people? that I have a nice ass.
(46) What's your biggest fear? dying alone
(49) Are you a loner? when I need to be
(51) If you were another person, would you be friends with you? probably, the people I'm friends with are like me.
(52) Are you a daredevil? never.
(53) Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself? ~looks at number 41~ NOOO, nothing.
(54) Are you passive or aggressive? smack in the middle
(61) Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life? eh, I dunno.
(62) Do you think life has been good so far? looking at it from the outside, yes. Looking at it from my point, no.
(63) What is the most important lesson you've learned from life? Learn to live for yourself....its all you have in the end anyway.

(ok, is it just me, or are the numbers really off on this thing?)

(82) Like your voice? I guess so.
(83) Hurt yourself? somewhat.
(84) Been out of the country? blame canada.
(85) Eaten something that made other people sick? ummm, I think.
(86) Had sex? no.
(87) Been unfaithful? no.
(90) Gone skinny dipping? no.
(91)Had a medical emergancy? no.
(92) Had a surgery? no.
(93) Ran away from home? not really.
(94) Played strip poker? no.
(95) Gotten beaten up? no.
(96) Beaten someone up? no.
(97) Been picked on? yeah, but who cares.
(98) Been on stage? yeah.
(100) Slept outdoors: yeah.
(101) Thought about suicide? a few times
(102) Pulled an all-nighter? oh yeah, worst day/night ever.
(103) If yes, what is your record? 42 hours
(105) Talked on the phone all night? not all night, but a few hours
(106) Slept together with the opposite sex without actually having sex? yes.
(107) Slept all day? yes.
(108) Killed someone? maybe....lol, no.
(109) Made out with a stranger? no.
(110) Had sex with a stranger? no.
(111) Thought you're going crazy? yeah.
(112) Kissed somone of the same sex? on the cheak.
(117) Met a famous person? a few, but not REALLY famous.
(119) Masurbated with something other then your hand? maybe.
(120) Have you ever killed an animal by accident? no!!
(121) On purpose? no!!!!!!
(122)Had sex? deja vu.
(126) Whip cream? cant wait.
(127) Bondage? omg, cant wait
(131) Used candle wax? no.
(132) Used Porn? nah.
(133) Been a groupie? ...no.
(134) Watched porn? not intentionally
(136) Gotten caught? no.
(137) Masturbated to porn? no.
(141) Had oral sex? no.
(142) With someone other then your gf/bf? no.
((149) Had a nervous breakdown? lol, I've had a few anxiety attacks, and mini breakdowns -- but nothing major.
(151) Been criticized about your sexual performance? yeah, since I've had sex so many times.
(154) Shoe brand? ummm.
(155) Brand of clothing? ummmm.
(156) Cologne/perfume? uhhh.
(157) What are you normally wearing to school/work? any kind of skirt -- I always try to look nice.
(159) Wear hats? never.
(160) Judge other people by their clothing? definatly. hypocrite, me.
(161) Wear make-up? cover up and mascara.
(162) Favourite place to shop? mandee, khols, forever 21
(163) Favourite article of clothing? skirts
(187) Do you have any gay/lesbian friends? too many
(188) Who is your best friend? Ca
(189) Who's the one person that knows most about you? Kim, my sister
(190) What's the best advice that anyone has ever given to you? an answer like that cant be answered when you ask for/give advice everyday.
(191) Your favourite inside joke? maybe my headache joke, or the IMMMMEEEADIATLY one.
(192) Thing you're picked on most about? the way I walk. Fuck off, kim.
(193) Who's your longest known friend? hmmm.....sarah? Though im NOT exactly sure shes my friend any longer.
(194) Newest? Amanda. She was always my "my sisters friend amanda", now she acctually became "my friend amanda"
(203) Last person you talked to online? right now, rachel
(204) Who do you talk to most online? bryan
(205) Who are you on the phone with most? MARJORIE -- I dont think any conversation over the phone that we've had has been less then an hour and a half.
(206) Who do you trust most? I dont know.
(207) Who listens to your problems? the world.
(208) Who do you fight most with? mom/dad/sister
(223) Do you remember your first love? I dont love, but I remember my first crush.
(224) Still love him/her? I'll never get over them.
(225) Do you consider love a mistake? not sure how to answer that.
(227) Turn-ons? rubbing my arms/legs/ass
(228) Turn-off?
(229) First kiss? ugh, dont remind me.
(231) If someone you had no interest in dating expressed interest in dating you, how would you feel? god, I feel like shit every time.
(232) Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them or going "blind"? duh, knowing someone.
(235) Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive? yes, a few times
(236) Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking? maybe cute
(245) Do you read porn? didnt we go over this already?
(246) Read the articles? all the time.
(247) Just the pics? oh yeah, them too, uh huh.
(248) What's the last present someone gave you? dont remember, long time ago. ~hint~
(257) Are you in love? not gonna happen.
(258) Do you consider your significant other hot? oh yeah, hes a sexy one.
(267) Have you ever wished you could experience being the other gender? eh, I'd try it for a day.
(268) If you did experience that for one day, what would you do? sit on the couch, make everyone wait on me hand and foot, read porn all day, watch tv, fart really loud, eat everything in reach of me, yell a lot, pretend to be stupid.
(273) What is your fave possession? my...bird?
(274) What physical, tangible possession do you want most? dont know.
(276) Have you ever seen The Exorcist? yeah, pretty funny movie -- someone once said I remind them of her too -- different person.

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON.......

(283) That turned you on? ummmmm, ex #1
(284) You went shopping with? Kim and Mandy
(286) To disappoint you? everyone
(287) To ask you out? ummm, not sure, but bryan was the last to say something like "I luv ya", or w/e.... :/
(288) To make you cry? myself
(289) To brighten up your day? Tessa -- at work
(290) That you thought about? Alex -- cuz he just fucking IMed me for who knows what reason.
(291) You saw a movie with? Marjorie, Pirates of the Carribean!!!! -- Can I lick Johnny Depp??
(292) You talked to on the phone? Carla, my boss
(294) You saw? Myself in the mirror, if you want to be that technical.
(295) You lost? eh, sarah? Alex?? EVERYONE?!
(296) You went head over heels for? either Joe at the nearby coffee shop -- can I have the two of them, please?
(297) You thought was completely NUTS: some crazy lady that walked into the shop while I was working today.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU:

(306) Danced? at work I dance all the time, and have people stare at me
(307) Were sarcastic? half this survey thing
(308) Kissed someone? dont remember
(309) Talked to an ex? yesterday
(310) Watched your fave movie? omg omg omg.....I cant even remember. OMG I'm gonna die now, thanks. ~turns on Labyrinth~
(311) Had a nightmare? every night I have about 6 weird dreams, and I only remember small parts of each of them. I'm haunted.
(312) Talked on the phone? at work
(313) Listened to the radio? today on the way home from work
(314) Watched TV? last night
(315) Went out? 2 nights ago at the diner -- yeah, life.
(316) Helped someone? 2 nights ago over IMs
(317) Were mean? 3 seconds ago to everyone.
(319) Saw a movie? in the theater? ummm, was that last week?
(320) Said "I love you"? I've never said that. I say it sarcastically, or sweetly, but not the real way.
(321) Missed someone? now.
(322) Fought with a family member? today like 6 times. (kim)
(323) Fought with a friend? dont remember.
(324) Had a serious conversation? last night w/ Bryan
(325) Smoked weed? weed?
(326) Got drunk? ummm.....kims graduation party

A LAST TIME FOR EVERYTHING...

(328) Last book you read: HP 5, beggining of summer.
(330) Last song you heard: "Sunday Bloody Sunday", U2
(331) Last thing you had to drink: Iced coffee.
(332) Last time you showered: this morning.
(333) Last thing you ate: mcdonalds fries.
(335) Last thing you bought: black and white shirt, khaki skirt, and denim jacket -- yesterday

RIGHT THIS MOMENT...

(340) What are you wearing right now? black tank, new khaki skirt, black flip flops
(341) Body-part you're touching right now: you dont want to know....lol, j/k
(342) What are you worried about right now? If I'm getting fat or not
(343) What book are you reading? none, should start my summer project soon, in which case "Malcolm X". (please kill me)
(44) What's on your mousepad? all black.
(345) Use 5 words to describe how you're feeling: defeated, lost, alone, afraid, and confused
(346) Are you bored? hell fucking yeah
(347) Are you tired? not really.
(348) Are you talking to anyone online? just signed off, but I was just talkign to rachel and alex.
(349) Are you talking to anyone on the phone? not at the time.
(350) Are you lonely or content? lonely
(351) Are you listening to music? listening to U2, trying to decide if its verbal irony...or if it acctually is a beautiful day...
(352) Do you laugh when you hear the number 69? nah.
(354) Do you actually know your social security number? .....no.
(361) Have you got a fave number? 37
(362) How many rings before you take the phone? cell phone? I usually cant find it before the person hangs up, and I have to call them back.

Purpose for doing this? none.

2003-08-03T01:34:00.000-04:00

who knows...

Few things on my mind right now. Very few. But eating me away. What I wrote the other day doesnt matter to me. Like I really have to care. There are other things in life, and I realize that. I dont know if thats what I want to do....but I know its what I have to do.

I feel very mellow right now. Over a few things. Its just one of those times I dont feel like smiling. I'm not sad, not angry, just, eh...mellow. I looked up some diet plans, and found an easy one. Not like I want to lose weight or anything....I just need to start eating healthy. I see myself slipping away, and the only way I know I'll ever be happy is if I personally am happy with the way I look. Its a vanity thing, please no one get angry at me.

I'm living for myself. Why shouldnt I? Not like anyone ever cares for long anyway. ugh. It feels like one of those days when you just have nothing to say. Not to yourself, not to anyone. The days when conversations die before you even start. Its one of the things that makes me feel sad. Like, when you dont talk to someone for a while, and then finally gain up the stamina to IM them.....and the conversation blows.

I say what I want to say in my head.....and then when I'm acctually talking to them, I forget everything. Sometimes I feel the urge to throw up all over the place. I dont know whats going on....but I have that sick feeling so often now. And I run over and gag into a toilet, but I never throw up. Maybe thats a message of some sort.

God, I loved the days when I could say that I believed in messages. Maybe I'll start looking for them again. I'm not sure of why I stoped...well, I know why.....but I guess its time to get back into my life.

Out with the old, In with the.....forgotten. Maybe I'll start to live by that. To find my old self. The one that was always happy, always found something to amuse her....there are ways to enter that life again. There are ways to bring out my darker, happyer spirit again. My cynical fun-ness.

Who knows?

Anyway....I'm not exactly sure where this entry is going. But I'm going to the mall tommorow at around 11:30....and then to see a movie sometime during the night. SO...I guess I'll wrap it oup, and go right now. ~sigh~

2003-08-02T00:55:00.000-04:00

...something about the way....

So many things. So many. Everything at once. I dont know why I'm feeling this way, but its not good. Why my life has taken the turn-around, and is now finding its way down the darkest path.

me: hey
him: hold on im in a bad spot right now
him: i will get back to you later
me: oh ok
him: alright hey whats up
me: nothing much, everything ok?
him: yeah everything is cool
me: did you call me before?
him: yeah
me: what'd you want?
him: to see whats up
me: oh......well yeha, i was at work
him: cool
him: how was it
me: which is basically whats up.
me: work sucked
me: except carla wasnt there, so we didnt have her drunk ass breathing down our necks
him: ooo
him: why do you work there?
me: i dont know
me: i guess its cause i like ice cream :D
him: o ok
me: and i like the workers there
me: and i kinda like carla too.....cause she so laid back and doesnt give a shit....but once in a while she really gets to me
him: o cool
me: like when she shows up an hour after we're done cleaning, drunk off her ass
me: it gets annoying
me: lol
me: so whats up?
me: hows life
him: good
him: life hasnt been better
him: found a great girl
him: have a great job
him: im doing good
me: oh? who'd you find?
him: this girl named erin
him: she lives in penn though but shes up here visiting family me n her click so much so its awesome
me: thats great......i need to find someone
me: but right now, friends are good enough ((sidenote: lie))
him: cool
me: i gave up on my quest...lol. i dont really care any more ((sidenote: LIE))
him: quest?
me: like finding someone...i figure when theres someone, theyll find me. ((sidenote: LIE!!))
him: when you least expect it
him: but you know what sucks
him: she goes back to penn monday
me: ohh yeah, thats bad....does she come up here often, though?
him: 2 times a year
me: oh.
him: and im prob gonna visit her too
me: oh, thats a little better
me: ok, well i g2g
me: ill ttyl....goodnight
him: bye

Is it just me, or was there something about the way.....something really finite about his last "bye"? Can someone please tell me why I have this horrible pit in my stomach right now? No, tell me why I feel like absolute shit. Fucking tell me why I cant even talk to anyone right now, and had to sign off 2 hours earlier then I usually do. Tell me why all the happyness I wrote in that conversation was forced...

I know why. He was the one I could have saved. The one I spoke of in the previous entry, breifly. The one who "I try to save, but doesnt even acknowledge me". It was supposed to be me. Me who he finds when he "least expects it". Me who he admits that makes him happy. Not some Erin from pennsylvania. When he called me I was somewhat amused and apprehensive...but also kind of glad. I didnt think he called to break the message that he found someone. To gloat.

How many times did I try to get through to him? How hard did I fucken try?? How many times did I try to talk sense into him? But did he ever listen to me? Who probably opened him up to more thought then he ever imagined to think, as he sits there, failing to realize?!

You can only give so much energy into these sort of things....and mines always waisted. Always fucken waisted. Why do I even bother? I wonder why I ever bother.

And I wonder why his life gets to be so much better, while mine gets so much worse. My life is over next year. I havent given it much thought, but theres really nothing more for me to do next year. I'm going to be completely lost. And unappealing to all. I dont want to believe this, but I know its true...

I'm so scared. I'm so alone, and afraid of everything. Screw image, screw everything. I look strong, but I've truly been growing weaker ever since that time. That time when I danced with him, pulling him close....but feeling him push me away slowly.

I should have known anyway. Its not like its just him, though. Everythings made me weaker since that time. The people I turn away from, the ones I cant bring myself to talk to in fear.... And the fault is all mine. I just feel so guilty about so much nothing.

And so I cry. For the first real time, since who knows when.... What else is there left to do? I'm not sure what it is that I'm crying about.....who it is exactly. But I know something has happoned to change the way I feel about something. Unsure of what it is though, is the reason why I cant seem to change it back.

Why I cant seem to rid of this disease thats eating away at me.

"...I have climbed highest mountain
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you

I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for..."

And so I guess the only thing left to do is sleep, and pretend that I acctually believe what he said about finding someone "when you least expect it." But theres a point in time where you just cant keep giving all you've got. When you always get nothing in return...

2003-07-30T17:41:00.000-04:00

Why? (part two)

[entry written yesterday at the coffee shop] ...and some days you just ahve no inspiration. Every day I sit here. I go out in public - by myself always - and I write. Every day I have inspiration of some sort. I hate the feeling of nothing. Nothing has that assinine hope to it. The thought of dreams. The illusion world. God, I hate that so much.

Because I can sit here and have false hope, thinking that someone might walk in the door at any time - just to see me. Because they were tipped off that I'm here, and they want to come and hang out with me; for me.

Ugh, god. I want to spit on that thought. How dare I have false hope. It truly disguists me. wow. I sometimes wonder if I really am psychotic. I mean...who else goes out in public everyday to write about nothing? And then finds themself staring off into space every so often? Its embarassing, almost. heh. Maybe I am more alike Luna in the HP series then I thought. Probably why I hated her so much at first. scary.

But dont let that fool you into thinking that I'm all good-spirited right now. I'm no longer hateful, but rather upset. I need someone to cry to. To hold on to for a few.

But I'm not one to commit. I really never have been, and I guess its because of the lack of people. I'm either afraid, or maybe just bitter. I need someone for sometimes. Not someone who will need me 24/7. I really dont believe in that anymore.

But the person I need, I want them to be cuddly and lovely every so often. (when they're needed) ...I cant have them being something like a "friend with benefits" (which would be good on my off days). Thats not what I need. But thats the only sometimes thing a girl can have. So I'm screwed. Because what kind of guy wants just that little bit? A gay guy. But I want something that would someday be a relashionship. And you cant have one with a gay guy.

The only other kind would be some emo, drugged up fuck who listens to shit music, and is all sad and depressed, and has a shitty whiny voice. (lol)

~holds up drink~ I'd like to toast to the pickyest girl alive, yours truly, ...may she one day get her head OUT of her ass. ~clinks glasses~

I'm not sure where these sudden splurges of caring came from, I wonder. I used to be able to get by purly on dreams. What happoned to those days? Reality sucks. I just want to break down to someone. To ask them why I have such hatred. Hatred. Its the only emotion I feel anymore.

~sigh~ I always feel I have eyes on my back, now. I feel like eeryone's watching me silently. I'm like an outsider - theres really no other name for me. I'm not part of any group. And because of that, I'm hated by all. Because at least some people that are like me can be accepted into certain groups. Me? I'm too nasty and sarcastic to be accepted by the prep people, not mysterious enough for the "individuals", not dark enough for those other groups.....not bubbly enough for another.....etc etc etc.

I'm secretly hated. I know it. I'm one of the ones they dont really make eye contact with...but they laugh at me once I'm out of earshot, or make silent eye gestures to each other in question of me. But I dont need them.

But maybe I'm not that strong. Not like I pretend to be. Maybe I secretly wish I was accepted. Maybe I at least with I wasnt being laughed at.

I feel so mature and independant on these days I sit and write, alone. It almost feels as if nothing anyone says can touch me. I feel bigger then them. I feel stronger. I feel older. Maybe its that one sence of supperiority that allows me to continue. How often I wrote about that.

But at the same time, the hatred wears away at me. Its like a constant battle of my personalities. I wonder if people would feel differently about me after reading my writings. I wonder if they would see that theres more to me then appears.

But its a hopeless battle. I hate lying to myself. I hate the fact that I echo out to these pages every day. Like anyones listening or something. But they're not. I hate the strong feelings I have for people that are never returned.

Why do I even bother trying? Why do I ahve these strange new feelings for certain people? Why do I have such hatred for people I dont even know? Why do I try to save people who dont even acknowledge me? ...It must be the theme of my week, "why".

Like 2 nights ago. I got offline with an abrupt message to someone about how much I hated my life at that time. And then I went into my room and turned my cell on, expecting - for sure - to get a call to check to see if I was alright. Did I? no. And did I sink, and feel more upset? yeah. But why? Its not like I even have feelings for that person or anything - he can usually just put me in a better mood. And why did I expect the call, as well?

It was that stupid, shit, "hope" thing again.

...and then I half expected to see either him, or someone else, walk in to the coffee shop the next day. Why I've concluded I'm not an optimist. Because I was upset when no one did - just like I am today. And I want to try and think that someday, someone will come - but thats a lie as well. And I hate to lie to myself.

God, wtf is wrong with me? I dont know. I feel so alone. Theres only about 3 people I dont hate right now with all my newly blackened heart. Ca, Rachel, and Mandy. And thats it. I need to be more accepting, I guess.

I just wish I didnt have the high expectation that everything will come to me. I always think that. Why shouldnt I?

Maybe that answers the reason why I am.

So alone.

And so I guess thats the end. And now I'll go home.

2003-07-28T00:08:00.000-04:00

Why? (part one)

I'm done. I'm really done. Finished. I hate the days where you sit alone, hating the fact that you exist. Why do they come? Why do I have to go to this level? Not everyone does. A lot of people are perfectly happy with their lives, no matter how much they suck. And then theres those like me. The negatives. The pessimists. The purely cynical peices of shit. Like me. I cant even explain how much I hate everyone right now. But its not just one person. Its everyone. The world. Every single person in this world right now, I hate. With the exception of 2 people. ....just to mention a few (in alphabetical order):

Alex: yeah, sure. All happy that you're my friends again....but have you called me since, or IMed me? no. How come you never in your life put moves on me? How come?!? How much can I hate someone? no, really. I cant even hate you anymore, because theres nothign to hate, because we never talk. Your just like an annoying thought at the edge of my mind, still there.....but not in my life. Fuck you. Not litterally, though, you'd never have that.

Bryan: I hate the games you and TJ play with me. I'm acctually glad now that you're not friends anymore.....but I'm still friends with TJ, so shut the fuck up, I dont want to hear your stories about him anymore. (unless theyre funny, like the one time he thought he might be gay)...but yeah. And your way depressing. And you're the only half-way decent guy out there.....but I DONT LIKE YOU. And I never will. I'm pretty sure you've layed off of that now, so I'm starting to hate you less.

Greg: I dont hate you, but I want to talk to you again.....and you dont IM me. I miss you, sunshine. But my hands are frozen to the keyboard, because I'm dumb, and I cant start conversations with people. And you probably hate me. I hope you dont, though.

Kim: this is the big one. I cant stand you any longer.....but I need you at home, because I hate my parents even more. You have so much in your life right now. So many grest friends....and you attitude sucks. You're a total fake bitch. You're a fake peice of shit. You fucking hate me. I know you do. You TREAT ME LIKE SHIT. I ALWAYS help you with EVERYTHING. ANYTHING you ask, I DO. And if I so much as ask you to leave a SONG on i nthe car when you're driving, you blow up at me like I asked you to be my slave for a year or something. Fuck off kim. Fuck. off. You dont tell me anything......you point out every little flaw in me, and throw them in my face 24/7. You dont fucking care about me for shit. But I need you here.

Kurt: no reason really, except the fact that you're a gay bitch, and I figured I'd stick you on my list.

Mike: Fuck you. Fuck the fact that you're glasses look like mine. Fuck the fact that your Ca's ex. Fuck the fact that you're friends with John. Fuck the fact that you're alive. God, I hate you so much, and I dont even really know you. But....I really cant express my hatred towards you. Ca can stop hating you if she'd like to, but not me. I will always hate you. Because your skanky ass is my best friend's ex. So just fucking die. And stoping giving her bullshit about "it was a mistake you dumped her". Yeah. Because you wanted to use her. You want. to fucking. use her. Somebody put you out of your misery....because if your that depressed over your bullshit life, you shouldnt have to live.

Mom and Dad: I'm done with you. I have to live with the two of you for 2 years. Can you lay off my fucking ass? I dont do anything wrong. I basically dont do anythign at all! Am I out drinking every night?!!? Am I out having sex every night?!!? Am I out experimenting with various drugs every night??!!?! Am I do anythign that normal teenagers do?!!? NO! I'm sitting on my ass doing nothing bad, and you yell at me. And you yell, and you yell, and you yell like I fucking give a shit about what you're saying. You treat Kim like an angel, when you know how much of a dirtbag she is. And you take it out on me. You fucking take it out on me all the time. If I slip up once, you're on my ass about it. If she slips up 100 times.....you ground her for a day. And she ends up going out anyway. What the hell are your problems?! Dad, with the reading into my life all the time. You think you MIGHT be a little nicer to me. Due to the fact that I obviously dont do anything wrong. But no. You come to the conclusion that I hate the both of you, and I want to have sex asap. WHEN DID I EVER WRITE THAT?!??!!!!?!??!!??!?!?!!???!? WHAT ARE YOU READING?!? And maybe you might think of getting me some help, due to the fact that you read about HOW MUCH I HATE MY LIFE EVERY FIVE FUCKING WORDS. STOP READING MY SHIT IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT! ...I cant even say anymore. I really cant. But my words can go on forever. Well, no. I cant even express how pissed off I am. Any motion, any move, any way I walk, any face I make. Its pointed out, and yelled at, Mom. I'm just a juvenile delinquent, huh.

Sarah: who the fuck do you think you are? You finally called me the other day when I wasnt home. So I called you back, and no one was home. So I left a message asking you to call me back, and stressing the fact that I was just "CALLING YOU BACK". yeah. Thank you very much for being there this summer, sarah. I really appreciate the care you give to your best friend in the entire world. Maybe I'll see you once school starts or something.

TJ: stop giving me shit I dont want to hear. Just....enough. I'm friends with Bryan. o well. Theres nothign you can do about it. And I dont know how much a person can try to be your friend (ex: me), but you just shit all over them. Will I ever get my message across to you?! Will you ever admit that you're wrong about anything?! Will you ever care about anyone, ever again? Will you?! Can I please make an impact on your life?!!? ....I'm sure no ones ever felt the way I used to feel about you, ever. But not anymore. I really cant get through to you. You're not what I want you to be. And I hate that. Which makes me hate you.

ok...thats just a few. I have more, but I dont even have strength to talk about them right now. As is, I feel like even more shit now, after writing that. Just looking at my buddy list....seeing the people on, and seeing me not talking to them, is making me want to crawl out of my skin. I hate everyone so much right now, I feel dangerous. And none of the people I just wrote about even read my blog....well, except my DAD. But....no. They'll never get the messages, and I'll never give it to them. I'm just an inwardly hateful person...and some day I'm going to snap. Someday. I will fucking snap. Right now I just want to scream. Scream all my rage, jealousy, spite....all of it. Scream it out. But I cant scream. I cant do anything. If I even blink, I'm dead.

I hate this. I hate life. I hate myself. I really hate everything, and everyone. And I hate the fact that no one understands. No one sees past the things I do. No one takes another look. No one calls on me. No one thinks of me as anything but some girl. Whos alone. At her computer. Typing. Because she has nothing better to do. Nothign in her life to make her happy.

And they all wonder why I'm like this. Why I'm silently echoing out. Why I hate. Why I'm spiteful. Why I have all these sudden bursts of jealousy. Why I do ANYTHING. Why I'm cynically dark. Why I'm nothing but sarcastic.....

Its all I know. What I wouldnt give for having someone right now. Someone with they're arms around me, just telling me...and reassuring me that everythings fine. And that he'll be there as long as I need him. What would I give for that. For a week of that, I'd kill myself. But I dont believe anymore. Nothings romantic. No ones what I want. I want so much, but no one can give that much.

I guess its just one of those days.

2003-07-25T01:01:00.000-04:00

Like black holes in the sky...

Holy. Fucking. God. I cant even move an inch right now. I want to keel over and die. No, seriously. I've never felt more bloated and cramped up in my life. lol. Its sad. I've taken a shit-load of pills. heh. But not enoguh. I guess its good that I dont take too many... ~sigh~ Its not like I need to blow a hole in my stomache or anything. Best put that on the "not to do" list. So....yeah. I controlled myself for once. But it doesnt stop me from FEELING LIKE SHIT!!!!

WOW, though.....I feel so good-spirited. I swear, I'm one abnormal chicky. I can feel liek shit, while at the same time being in an extra good mood......but when I dont feel like shit, I'm in a horrible death mood. ggggrrrrrrrrrrrrr.......Why am I like this?!? But sriosuly, I cant even concentrate on anything I feel like such SSHHIITT right now.

I feel 30 pounds heavyer, and I feel like I look it too. ~crys~ But it will all leave in a few days. hopefully. Last month it wasnt this bad at all. In fact, it was fine last month. I was in the ocean most of the time...I was perfectly perfect. This month its just death

lol, but my mood is good. So...I changed the template of my comments. Of course I didnt create it myself, b/c I have no html skill what-so-ever...but I changed the fonts and the words and stuff, and made it my way! hehe....and it felt good. I gave it more of a theme that my blog was in that no ones ever noticed, b/c no one but me listens to pink floyd.

The song "Shine on you crazy diamond" has been my commentation theme. Now I just added to it. Like, if you click the enter butten it has lyrics, the title of it is lyrics.....hehe. Clever me. lol. Ok, wow, dork. But I love that song, though....so.....yeah. It intrests me.

"Shine On You Crazy Diamond I-V", Pink Floyd

Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Now there's a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
You were caught on the crossfire of childhood and stardom, blown on the
steel breeze.
Come on you target for faraway laughter, come on you stranger, you legend,
you martyr, and shine!

You reached for the secret too soon, you cried for the moon.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Threatened by shadows at night, and exposed in the light.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Well you wore out your welcome with random precision, rode on the
steel breeze.
Come on you raver, you seer of visions, come on you painter, you piper,
you prisoner, and shine!

...thats the whole song. It has another part (the last song on its cd), but its not part of THIS song....and this ones MUCH better. Its acctually really long, but its mostly music. I love it though. The music is so soothing and nice. Just the whole song and the atmosphere of it is calming. I think I'm going to get off now and listen to it. ~sigh~

2003-07-24T00:54:00.000-04:00

Blog Quickie

ok...dont have much time, due to bed curfew (late night blogging is apparently not to my parent's liking)....but anyway I thought I'd post anyway.

The weels going very slow right now, my moods not exactly excelent.....but I'm hanging on. My sister got a tattoo.....my boss is putting camera's in the shop tommorow....my parents hate me and are making up bullshit rules left and write......and I have the worst cramps ever right now.

I litterally made my mom drive me to pathmark before so I could buy myself some cookie dough...and she got me "Tylenol Menstruation PMS" pills.....or w/e the fuck they were. HA! And I also got french bread and garlic and herb cheese spread -- talk about random shopping. I ate a lot tonight....lol.

Hmmm.....shes regulating my pills to, so I cant even fucking take extra!! How much does that suck?! (shut up Ca)

So...yeah. Rachel's going to write a story on her blog....isnt that the coolest?! I always wanted to do that, but whenever I try to write...I get about one page, and then I stop. I have so many started and un-continued stories....I cant even explain. Sad. :(

But this inspires me....I think I'm goign to start working on my "echo" story again. (Fantasy story with some real-life characters that have made impacts on my life) In fact...when I go to bed tonight, I think I'll try to find where I started that story. I impress myself sometimes when I write in detail....I wonder where I get these ideas. hehe.

ok, well.....thats all for now. Just a quickie anyway. goodnight, all.

2003-07-21T13:28:00.000-04:00

Moral Issues

I was a little sulky yesterday morning, like always. (I'm sulky any time I get up from sleeping), but then I started to feel a lot better when I clicked on my blog....and my archive link was the "unvisited color". So I clicked it to see what was going on....and I almost shit myself. My blog's archive is healed. Its all there. Perfect the way I wanted it. Its fucking there. And....my day was made.

But then I thought about how much that sucked.....that my day was already "made" so early in the morning. Cuz that means that nothing else will make my day...and that'll be the strong-point. lol. The day before, my strong point happoned at work. I was angered that I had to work because it was the towns major festival of the year....so it was horrendously busy. But they had a band-shell right outside the shop, where a Pink Floyd cover band played for at least an hour! I was swooning. But that was the only good thing that happoned all day.

So then last night I came into work with a bad attitude. But then on the radio my 2 favorite songs played one after another.....and Tessa and I (the girl I worked with for the first time), got along really well. We had a fucken great time at work last night. And Carla (our boss), was sick....so we didnt have to see her at all. Not only that, but this group of people hung out in there almost the whole night, and I really liked them. They were pretty amusing for a boring day of work. -- and when they left one of them stayed behind for a little while longer. And I have to say, he was reeeeal cute. Grade younger then mine, though.

Yeah, anyway, my point to all of this (if I even have one), is that I guess more then one good thing can happen in a day. My attitude is just so cynically bad, I refuse to allow it to. I'm not even sure why. I have sop many horrible thoughts about people....that I can ho9nestly say I am a horrible person. Like in the city the other day....When my friends and I were sitting in the park singing, I was looking around at all the low-life scum in the area, thinking that half of these kinds of people died in 911. And I caught myself not even feeling bad. -- But later on that day when I saw a little Firefly in my house...I went out of my way to bring it outside and save it.

~mocks a balance scale with her hands~ person......insect......human being....little helpless bug.

I think I have moral issues.

But maybe thats not so true. I think I do have morals...they are just mixed up a little. Because, for instance, a lot of people in the city are criminals, murderers, rapists, abusers.....etc. What harm does a little Firefly do? Absolutely none. People kill those who are dear to you. They hurt and use others around them each day. What does an animal like a swan do? They simply look for food....and a mate. WHICH MAY I ADD: They have for life.

And thats where my hatred comes from. People, society.....there are few decent individuals left out there. The World is going down the fucken toilet. In a hundred years or so, there will be nothing left. Maybe hell is real...and maybe this is it. Maybe reincarnation is real...and if you do good, you get reincarnated as an animal -- not a more powerful, further abusive person.

I sometimes wonder if my thoughts are real -- or if they are just repeated from time to time from various people around the World....and I was programed to say something like this. Have I ever had an idea that was unheard of? Or am I just reiterating things from long past that I've already heard. Maybe I am just an echo? I wonder sometimes. A burning echo, what I used to call myself. It was true, though. I really am nothing more.

~sigh~ I hate when I think too much -- when I realize that there really are no answers to anything. I scare myself. I dont believe in everlasting love anymore. If you live for infinity in heavon....how can you stay with the same person? How can you love anything? It would all get too boring. Sad to say, but true. So theres no possible way it could ever be true. Theres only life when theres something to live for. Theres only a reason for death when theres something to die for.

I think its time to question my faith. Its ridiculous to think that you get rewards after you die. And if its true - if theres hell.....its ridiculous to think that anyone -- any God would condemn you to suffer for all this fake eternity. Maybe religion really is for the weak. For those who refuse to be truthful to themselves.

God...sometimes I really wish I lived in the time when there was no such thing as expressing your mind, due to serious lack of thought. ~sigh~ But I dont...

2003-07-19T01:04:00.000-04:00

Rent

Signed on tonight. But then I pulled myself away, because I wanted to talk with him and had nothing to say. Hes not interesting enough for me, then, I guess that means. Didnt think so anyway.

I had an amazing day on wednesday. I cant stop thinking about the show, and I cant wait to go back. Not only was the show the BEST thing I've ever FUCKING seen in my life.... but the day was so much fun. Finally I wasnt with any fucking parents or anything. Just Kim, Steph, and Mandy. Shopping, SINGING THE WHOLE TIME. Seriously...we were singing every 2 seconds. Everyone was staring at us. Especially because Kim and Steph each got a pair of the exact same pants in a different color, and put them on....and I had a crazy looking skirt on that I couldnt resist. hehe!

So anyway...details are boring, because I know it was only fun for me.....except for the fact that I got a picture with the guy who played Roger......omg. Can I die now? Sebastian Arcelus. I got a bunch of pictures with him.....I have to post at least one of them, no matter how ugly I look in the picture. LOL! -- OH.....and it was hilarious. Just for the hell of it, the four of us sat in a park with a hat out and sang. We made $1!!!!!! It was from this guy who's in the band "Crazy Morning" -- he came over to us and made us give him all our e-mail adresses to help his band out with this program called "getting famous as quickly as possible" or w/e. ....so yeah, I joined the fan club after visiting the site. Never heard them, but hey. He was nice enough to come over to us -- I like him.

lol, we got a picture with him too. I just wish I could have gotten a picture with Mark Richard Ford -- who played Tom Collins in Rent. Can I be in love with him? CAN I?!!?? -- well....hes not exactly the type I'm looking for at all, lol, but omg hes adorable. He played one of the gay guys who's partner died -- and the strength of his music.......truly unmatchable.

Everyone needs to know the story of Rent. I suggest everyone run out to the stores and buy the movie soundtrack. The music is as awesome as the story. I swear, its amazing.

I cant wait to go back.

When I go back I'm writing a letter to, and getting flowers, for Sebastian Arcelus. lol....and I would get them for Mark Richard Ford too, but he doesnt come out to sign audographs for fans. :( -- but omg Sebastian is the nicest guy -- Mandy wanted to give flowers and a letter to the guy who played Angel (the gay guy who dies).....and he was in the hotel next store eating dinner. Sebastian fucking went out of his way to get him out for her. It was fucking sweet.

I wasnt even goign to blog today -- I'm so whiped out and tired. Kim got her license....so we were naturally driving around litterally the entire day. After two times failing she finally got it. Figures its AFTER shes done with school....so she cant fucking drive me. lol.

So....yeah. Thats all. No insight or philosophy tonight. Just a recap of what I've been up to. Work tommorow.....after a long night of work today. And then another long night of work on sunday. I'm really ready to quit now....I'm done.

oh, and Dad. Stop reading my blog....theres nothing really interesting you want to see on here. And no I'm not having sex, doing drugs, or whatever else you might think, nor do I care to do so until whenever the heck I feel like it.....my style of writing is obviously not to your understanding, judging by what Mom tells me you say about me. This is just disrespectful. I'm not reading all the crap that you write on the computer....why do you have to read mine, and make me want to stop the only hobby I truly enjoy doing? Think about it.

Everyone else, goodnight.

2003-07-16T00:55:00.000-04:00

Just a quick note...

...I'm feeling a lot better at the moment, and I'm excited about the city tommorow .....really excited. I finally get to see "Rent" before it goes off broadway - and get a day full of shopping, crying at the show, and all that girly stuff that I pretend I hate (but is really acctually not that bad).

I have to go now....must find something to wear! ^.^ ...bonne nuit ~

2003-07-15T23:38:00.000-04:00

Pure Hatred

Several things: first of all...."Last comic standing". The show now sucks, cuz the only funny guy on there -- and the one I liked the best...was voted off today. Dave Mordal -- lost to fucking DAT PHAN! WHAT THE FUCK?!? Did anyone else watch that....? Because Dave had me scream-laughing. Dat made me feel embarrassed for him. That fucking audiance sucked. Dave should win the SHOW let alone that sad act that Dat put up. Sympathy vote, it was. This country sucks.

Anyway.....what else: oh yeah. I'm just a bit pissed off lately. Over my "bestisis friend i nthe whole wide world". Sarah. Any avid reader has heard me mention her before. -- But....oh, umm.....yeah. I wonder how shes doing right now. Havnt spoken to her since ~checks watch~ THE BEGINING OF THE SUMMER. I've called her about 600 times trying to make plans with her....but she always has either has family shit, "something to do with loren and dee", or she'll "call me back tommorow".

Number of times shes called this summer: 2
Number of times shes called back after promising to: 0

Guess I'm not good enough since I dont have a car like Dee and Loren. Maybe I'm too young...since she only wants friends who are seniors now. I dont even know if I want to talk to her next time she calls.....if ever. I'm really angered over this. Shes so insensitive and self-centered. I mean....I'm self-centered -- but not to other people SO blatently and openly. I'm beggining to tire of her shit - I always put up with it, and I NEVER get mad at her. And at the drop of a nail she gets mad at me and ALWAYS makes me look like the bad one.

...and of course, hypocrite me will welcome her call anyway - because I'm a friend, and I would do something like that no mater how much she pisses me off. Fucking GOD though, seriously. She thinks shes so fucken amazing, and UGH! Everything about her pisses me off right now!! EVERYTHING! I'M TIRED OF IT!!! I'M FUCKING DONE WITH IT!!! HOW CAN SOMEONE BE SO FUCKEN INSENSITIVE??!?!?!

My sister's fucking friends are more friends to me right now then her. And I dont call them on a daily basis, nor hang out with them for long. Only a few minutes here and there until Kim kicks me out....but I freely leave anyway, and at least one of them says, "no, stay!" But I wouldnt want to bother Kim, so...you know. They even have a nickname for me. Kiki. And tommorow I'm going to the city with Kim, Mandy, and Steph.

I'm really going to miss them when they all leave for college. Since none of my so-called real friends care. God, I'm so fucked. Things are going to be so different....I'm going to be so miserable and alone.

Its times like these where I begin to think outrageous thigns that I hesitate to write even in my written journals in fear they might annoy people too much.

Anyway....enough of that. I fear I have more important issues to attent to in my brain. My constant motion of thoughts and ideas that dont settle down for more then 5 minutes at a time. I'm sooo shifty its incredible. One moment I'm depressed and wanting to die -- the next I hate everything and think I'm "oh-so-much-better" -- and then I'm back to depressed -- then I start thinking about someone - then I turn around and want my ex back - until after I talk to Carol and she dissuades me as always -- and then I'm back to depression -- until of course I get out of it and am back into hatred and utter confusion.

Thats my life right now. It has mostly become a hatred fest, though. I feel thats my strength right now. Hatred. Because at least to myself I know that I'm the right one...and that I am smarter -- and that I am better....though it may just be a lie, at least I have a belief in it. At least I can truly and honestly say I believe in myself. Which is more then what I can say for others. Vanity of myself...and hatred for others.

It has become me.

And its not like I even want to change. I mean, of course I'll have an open mind about the others around me....but theres no hope anymore! I'm done with this hope thing. Theres no petty little love for trivial things. How unworthy of my time. Its one for all....and all for -- well, me. I must concentrate on keeping myself happy, while at the same time looking at the reflections behind me in my mirror for someone who does the same, and feels the same.

Any mentioning of hope here-on in the future is just my utter cynical, and most likely sarcastic, fakeness. So if I start talking about hope to you, its all a lie -- and I'm most likely either trying to end the conversation with you -- or give you false ideas that will only make you more miserable in the end. OK?! ok.

Hatred, hatred, fucking hatred. I cant believe I never knew that it was such a strong and healing emotion. Who would think hatred helps anyone? I think I've really become a strong believer. This is bad, though, isnt it? But its true. Months ago I wrote a little quote on hatred to post on my away messages or whatever.

Everyone in this world hates someone. What would you do if you didnt? You'd have no one to be "so much better then", no one to compete with, no one to put down to make yourself feel better, no one to blame your bad mood on.....so how come people want to get rid of hatred? If there were no hatred, there would be no life. I just want to leave off by saying that I hate 'people'. People who follow others, people who hurt others, people who label others, etc. But then I must be a hypocrite, because I know I'm 'people' to 'them', and I know that 'they' hate me. But at least I admit that theres no moving on, no one to start up the conversation to get along, and no one side that is not guilty. We're all guilty in some way. And 'people' wonder why others are so spitefull. But what have they done to help? nothing.

Its true. If there were no hatred...there would be no life. Its so very true. Sure, the quote gets annoying (...it was meant for a certain person to read, in sense telling them that they are the shit-hole, not I) ....but you get the point.

What else can I add to this god-forsaken rant? Oh yeah.....this is an excerpt of a conversation Bryan and I (the person that the ex wants me to be with) had last night. (hes the clinically depressed one and all)... well toucher:

Lady0fDarkness87: i dont know....your such a different person online then in acctual person
Lady0fDarkness87: i can see such hatred in you....you seem afraid to bring it out though
ziggySTRdust3487: I have hatred twords myself... I can't think twords anyone else
ziggySTRdust3487: like.. there really is no hatred.. I'm afrqaid to show who i really am in real person
ziggySTRdust3487: that's why it's easy for me to get drunk or high cause then I don't have to deal with my real person
ziggySTRdust3487: and sometimes I put on this fake persona around other people.. such as you maybe... well.. it's not fake.. but different
Lady0fDarkness87: i hate when peopel say that. you are what you are -- no matter how fake you're being to someone....or what false sheild you put
up. you speak freely - do you seriously think out every thing you're going to say beforehand?
Lady0fDarkness87: very little thing?
Lady0fDarkness87: **every
ziggySTRdust3487: No.. I hardly ever do
ziggySTRdust3487: i jsut say it
Lady0fDarkness87: and when you speak, you talk about hating a lot of things.
ziggySTRdust3487: I'm cynical at times.. but not hateful.. and there is a difference
Lady0fDarkness87: maybe you dont even realize
ziggySTRdust3487: maybe.. I dunno.. but the thing I hate most.. and you vcan guess it
Lady0fDarkness87: no, there is a fine line between it -- but cynicism is part of hatred
Lady0fDarkness87: life
ziggySTRdust3487: welll..
ziggySTRdust3487: all I feel i have to live for anymore is the music I make and love.. that's all.. really
ziggySTRdust3487: and the people that respect it
Lady0fDarkness87: well others will only love you if you learn to love yourself first
ziggySTRdust3487: I know that.. but I have nno clue when that wiull happen
ziggySTRdust3487: so it loooks like I'm cursed
Lady0fDarkness87: god, you have to fucking make it happen. you cant just sit there being all depressed expecting something to change unless you
WANT it too
Lady0fDarkness87: your afraid of the change, though....because that means youll ahve to live your life differently
Lady0fDarkness87: and you wont have the same image you always had and were used to
ziggySTRdust3487: that is true
Lady0fDarkness87: well theres absolutly nothign more i can fucken say to you.
ziggySTRdust3487: I know
Lady0fDarkness87: yeah, you know.....so why sit here and complain about it?
ziggySTRdust3487: because.. I don't know.. it's what I've come used to doing..
Lady0fDarkness87: why....every night its the same: "im drinking again....i hate life....blah blah....i can change, but i dont want to....why is life so bad....i
never get what i want"
Lady0fDarkness87: its this way because thats WHAT YOU WANT
ziggySTRdust3487: see.. and this is what happens.. I moan and bitch.., and I loose people because of it.. and I know it happens.. but I do this to myself
ziggySTRdust3487: you're right.. and I know you are
ziggySTRdust3487: I'm excpecting things to come to me.. but they don't.. I'm too lazy and afraid of outcomes to do things.. i need to change.. but I have no clue ever
where to start
Lady0fDarkness87: start by respecting yourself
ziggySTRdust3487: I've tried.. it lasts for like.. 2 weeks.. and then my mind goes back to a shithole
ziggySTRdust3487: like.. right now
Lady0fDarkness87: then your not trying hard enough
ziggySTRdust3487: I swear.. I was actualy happy for like maybe about two weeks.. and smiling an such.. but just today.. well.. last night.. and toninight... I got like
this again
Lady0fDarkness87: stop doing shit that makes you feel depressed
ziggySTRdust3487: like what though?
Lady0fDarkness87: i dont know -- theres opbviously something thats driving you to be this way
ziggySTRdust3487: right now.. it's just once again feeling 'unwanted and unlove' for no apparent reason
Lady0fDarkness87: maybe its your music....maybe you should focus on playing something either more hateful, or more hopeful
Lady0fDarkness87: well THE FIRST FUCKING KEY TO LOVE IS THE LOVE OF YOURSELF --THATS ALL YOU HAVE IN THE END ANYWAY
ziggySTRdust3487: I know that
Lady0fDarkness87: obviously not
ziggySTRdust3487: yes I do
ziggySTRdust3487: I've heard ia million times.. and I know that
Lady0fDarkness87: the only reason i stay happy is because ive gotten to be extremely vain......like, really bad vain....but I keep it mostly to myself.
-- but i can fucking see the doors opening as I start to respect myself more and more
Lady0fDarkness87: you have to have an open mind for it, really
Lady0fDarkness87: you have to know that your better then a lot of people
ziggySTRdust3487: yeah well that's the way i was.. putting up walls from people that I didn
Lady0fDarkness87: wheres your sence of superiority?
ziggySTRdust3487: 't want anymore.. but after a while.. my mind started tearing down those walls again
ziggySTRdust3487: Like... I dunno...
ziggySTRdust3487: The weird thing is i just get like this at times...
Lady0fDarkness87: everyone does -- but you dwell in them like you dont even WANT to get out of them
ziggySTRdust3487: and then other times (like at work) I'm totally normal.. but then when I'm here and to myself.. I'm so over-emotional then
ziggySTRdust3487: Maybe it's some sik way of my sub-conciously asking for attention
ziggySTRdust3487: who the fuck knows.. all I know is I need to stop it
Lady0fDarkness87: well focus more on things like that -- focus on work....focus on music as a helper...not something that will bring you into a deeper
mood -- like "wish you were here" -- that will just bring you down even further
Lady0fDarkness87: of course its asking for attention
Lady0fDarkness87: it doesnt get it though
Lady0fDarkness87: it gets little
Lady0fDarkness87: but then it goes away
Lady0fDarkness87: and your left worse
ziggySTRdust3487: i know.. and then people go away.. believe me.. I know.. I've known it too much
Lady0fDarkness87: but you obviously dont care.
ziggySTRdust3487: i do.. but yet.. I don't fucking know.. it's weird... I'm weird.. I need to change... I'm always full of contradictions that lead me to think stupid shit
Lady0fDarkness87: yeah, well thats all it is. stupid shit. so go ahead.....keep contridicting yourself and staying in your little moods asking for
attention from others that you should concentrate on giving yourself.
Lady0fDarkness87: act like you dont care.
Lady0fDarkness87: w/e
Lady0fDarkness87: i g2g
Lady0fDarkness87: goodnight.

Can I have a collective "FUCK OFF" please? I'm done. Well, that was my first attempt at being done. With the two of them. If its what I want, even. But I'm not going to sympathize anymore at least -- I'm going to be a whole-hearted bitch to the both of them. And when they fucking figure it out, IF EVER, they can be the ones to stop caring...BUT I WONT EVEN GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE.

CANT I FUCKING TEACH ANYONE A LESSON!!!!! GOD FUCKING CHRIST MAYBE THEY SHOULD JUST KILL THEMSELVES AND BE DONE WITH ANNOYING THE SHIT OUT OF EVERYONE AND TRYING TO BRING ME DOWN WITH THEM!!!!!

His message is SO DAMN CLEAR! "oh....I cant stop playing 'wish you were here'...blah blah..." Well FUCK OFF!!!! I'M NOT YOUR FUCKING LOST FISH IN THE MOTHGER FUCKING FISHBOWL OF LIFE!!!! I KNOW WHERE I FUCKEN AM! AT THE GOD-DAMNED COMPUTER IN MY FUCKING HOUSE!!!! So dont ACT like you THINK I'm as lost and lonely as you. DONT YOU FUCKING DARE THINK THAT!

And dont even get me started on the other one. You dont know how strong my urge for killing him is. I wish there was some way I could just ruin his life - because he pisses me off so much. oh. my god. Just ruin it, FUCKING RUIN IT. I want to see him suffereing. Because if hes not going to LISTEN TO ME, or BREAK ON ME, then he should FUCKING SUFFER. AAHHHUUUGH!

...woah. ok. I think I am becomming a little self-centered. I have to fucking calm down.

2003-07-14T17:27:00.000-04:00

one of those days...

[written at the coffee shop around 3 o clock] Well, after an "oh-so relaxing" day at the beach, here I am awaiting work again. ~sigh~ I really, really dont want to work again. I should just do my long awaited quit, but no. Cuz I wont get a different job like this one - so I'm screwed. ~sigh~ So I'm at (nearby coffee's shop name here) right now.

I decided to uncomfortably sit outside in my "candle seat". I can imagine him, past icicle, sitting right across from me in the busy room, talking in our code that was so wrongly decifered, on that cool march night 2 years past. wow. So nothign happens as they say, then. Else he would still be my close friend, and I'd be dating the person whom I had "loved", my "orion", not too long ago. ~stops and reflects~

But I'm a bit older now and I've learned the more cynical ways of life. The cold-blooded truth to all things - and I know that there is absolutely no way to get what one wants. Ever. I know that what a single person looks for is never found truly, Hope. The only thing I've really had faith in, and believed in full. But now I see past it. There is no such thing as hope. It was left in Pandora's box - meaning it didnt enter the world at all. Its false - its a myth. Sure its fun to pretend that its real; but you're only lying to yourself if you think as such.

~sigh~ Its days like these where you think you have absolutly no purpose. Because really - love is all I want. Its the only true happyness. Its days like these when the edge of the cliff feels so near to you - when the knife's blade looks so appealing - when you jump in the depths of the ocean with no intention of moving your arms.

Its days like these where the thoughts of anything fun and good - coffee, vanity, friends, amusment parks, pets, sexual ideas - have absolutly not one slim chance of getting you to smile. Or even smirk for a second.

These days that feel so dry.

These days you feel like dying. Why continue to live when you have nothing to live for? And why have false hope that I will someday find it? Cuz I know I wont. ~sigh~

These days dont come too often to me. But today is one of those days. One of those days in which I will shun any form of help or reassurance from anyone. Why listen to them anyway? They dont know what they're talking about, those narrow-minded hopeful people... Those who have hope - they're only lying to you. Why cant I have what they have? Why not?

But even pure jealousy cant get someone out of this mood. Not anger, not hatred - theres just no appreciation for anything good OR evil - its true apathy. Apathy....or is it just sadness? Perhaps those rare bursts of depression each person is entitled to? It seems that it doesnt matter anyway, though...

These are the hardest moods to break out of - as well as the easyest to get into. Shit. I could probably - no, definatly - get out of it if I wanted to. But at a time where theres nothing to fill the hapyness balance - I'd just go back to hatred. Which isnt good anyway, so why bother? Its better to just stay sad...cuz I'm at least nicer when I'm sad. Maybe. I dont know.

Its not like I have no energy. I just want to stop every once in a while to sigh or bring myself to tears. So sad. And the best thing I can do right now is just sit here and write about it. No one to turn to. No one to just hold onto and rest your head on - to cry onto their shoulder....ack-ugh! Why am I getting like this right now?? eh. who knows.

How strongly I wish for things right now. SImple things. A bit of rain, a song to hear... I've even gone as low as to wish for a reason to be sad, so its allowable. But when I have a reson - it usually just makes me cynically dark, and I break out of sadness. Best to just keep this up, then, and continue to wish for rain and sad music, and the morbidness of death or injury. Nah, thats fucked up.

Just as fucked up as watching this poor soul of a moth, trapped on the other side of a windo - trying to find its way back out to life once again - but to no avail. Kind of how I feel - starting to panic and trash around violently. Trying so hard to get out.

...But what would happen on the other side? Probably later on that night it would be eaten by a small growing bat or bird? Who doesnt care of the fight it put up for survival hours before?

Life. How sad. How lonely. How utterly pointless. No one cares about the past. Maybe the interesting greek times, or ancient indian times and such....but utter normalcy? No one will remember. No one will care. And do I blame them? No. But do I wish for something to have an ounce of caring? yes.

Life. Future. Responsibility. Successfulness...who really gives a shit. It means nothing in the Universe. It means nothing anywhere. It has no effect on anyone. And if life is so much better after the end - then why so so many people fight to live? If Jesus preached that the afterlife was goign to be such a great reward, why did he also heal the sick and dying? Is it punishment? Is anything I think real?

Its one of those days where you question your existance - question why you do anything. Question why, at this very moment "In The End" comes on on the radio at this little coffee shop. Listening to the words, I see how true it really is...

"I put my trust in you, pushed as far as I can go, and for all this theres only one thing you should know... I tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end it doesnt even matter. I had to fall to lose it all, but in the end it doesnt even matter..."

Moment over. But its so true. It doesnt really matter. Because even if that moth did get out...in the end it will still have the same fate that escapes no one. Death.

I think my mood is transforming again.

I'm starting to feel hatred again.

2003-07-13T23:51:00.000-04:00

**The real game**

Went to the beach today with Rachel. She saw more people she knew there then I did -- mind you I live five minutes from the beach, she lives about 30. Sad. On the way out I saw some people I know. The ex of mine - thats not really an ex at all - thats still sort of my friend, but wants more from me that I dont want to give. And his little group. ugh.

Glad I didnt run into them. But of course my rebellious side wishes we did. ~sigh~ Hater of ambivalence these days....but we didnt run into them, so no ones hurt, and still feeling fine and dandy. So...yeah. Whatever.

"Cut them out of your life, Kerri......cut them out of your life. Time for summer cleaning. They're no good for you." I really must keep repeating that... I just cant bring myself to put up with it anymore, can I?

Mind’s Destruction

You think your always right,
You think that you’re a god.
You think we follow what you do,
You think we are yours to guard.

You think you’re in control,
You think you own our mind.
But you don’t realize that we know,
We know what you truly wish to find.

You think you have the right away,
You think we’re wrapped around you.
You think you can alter everything you say,
To make us do what you want to.

But we are the few, the few who know.
We know that you cant hold us.
We realize your closed mind,
And we know that you cant control us.

You can not tell me what to do.
You cant make me think they way you want me to.
I am in control of my life,
I say, I do what my conscious tells me too.

I had a first gut instinct,
And held my pride to it for very long.
But then you convinced me that you cared,
And I believed you, now I know I was wrong.

You are not in control of this one,
You do not have my will.
You will die in your own world of carelessness,
A terrible memory, cold, dead, still.

One day you may be abusive,
One day you’ll find the truth
One day you’ll learn to care for real,
But I will not be there for you.

....I wrote this poem last year. About him, of course. I wasnt too sure of it back then....but now I know its completely true, every last word of it, except maybe the last line. Because I know no matter how much I forget him....I will be there. Because even if I've decided not to give into the sport of play with him.....I'm still going to be this annoying bitch that he cant seem to get rid of, until he finally snaps on me. And I cant wait. Cuz when he snaps....I'll show him up for what he really is. I'm going to start off slowly at first...just enough, though.

This is the real game. And I'm playing you.

And then once he finally gets my message -- I'll leave him alone. And then I'll be satisfied. But theres no fucken way I'm walking on without leaving an impact. Maybe its vanity, maybe its a weird pride that I carry. Or maybe its just part of my new confidence....or a duty I think I have? Whatever it is....it has to be done. And since I had the audacity to write that poem last year....why not be me to do it?

2003-07-12T15:57:00.000-04:00

New Identity

"...I had some dreams, they were clouds in my coffee, clouds in my coffee..." heh. We all know how that ends. But omg. Thats not the point. I got my new glasses today, finally. You know how I lost them right before all my finals, and Harry Potter 5 came out. So I've been miserably using other glasses since that time. And now I have my new ones. And a new prescription as well. Its a little worse -- my eyes arent getting better. ~sigh~ But they're still only reading glasses. (reading=computer=anything close up)

And not only am I thrilled that I have vision now.....but I also LOVE my frames. I dont know what it is about them - maybe the fact that they are so damn cute, or that they acctually look ok on me - but they give this certain sence of sureness for myself. I've only been wearing them for a few hours, and already I feel confidence.

I know the picture sucks, but I wasnt ready to pose for a picture with them on me. lol. I want to put a picture of myself on my blog somewhere....but I can only do it if I can find a really good picture of myself -- heh. But maybe I will soon....cuz now I have these new glasses - its almost like a new identity. People are always much more easy-going when they have something they are confident over. Like in "Never Been Kissed", how the teacher explains he had a helmet that allowed him to play a kick-ass hockey game....well maybe this is my thing. Now that I have these glasses...maybe I can finally be more easygoing.

Thats the thing I need. To be more easy-going. If I have a lighter attitude towards everything...maybe those little things that haunt me wont be so clear in my mind? Getting rid of the old, and finding once again the new and the lost. Because thats what I must do. Get rid of whats behind, walk on, and care about myself more. The vanity is definatly helping. Its a shallow help, but its still help.

And I guess a second thing would be to concentrate on friends. Because they'll always be there no matter what. Anyone else is just a filler bacground thing that takes makes me miserable while they are "trying to help". No. They're trying to help themselves. Someone was trying to get me to look at someone in another sence once again. So I asked him: "is this what you want, or what I want?" ....it took him at least 5 minutes to answer. I think I've gained the confidence to talk back now. Gained the confidence to stop the games. It seems fun to play - but I know I'll only end up hurting myself at the end....so why bother, when I know?

I know I've dug so deep into a hole, though. Because I've been hating myself for so long...Its pretty bad. But I guess I can stop it soon. This song is helping me, as music always does. The words arent enough, though. To get the full effect you should illigally download it -- trust me...its a good one.

"Away From Me", Evanescence

"...I hold my breath as this life starts to take its toll
I hide behind a smile as this perfect plan unfolds
But oh, God, I feel I've been lied to
Lost all faith in the things I have achieved
And I

I've woken now to find myself
In the shadows of all I have created
I'm longing to be lost in you
(away from this place I have made)
Won't you take me away from me

Crawling through this world as disease flows through my veins
I look into myself, but my own heart has been changed
I can't go on like this
I loathe all I've become

I've woken now to find myself
In the shadows of all I have created
I'm longing to be lost in you
(away from this place I have made)
Won't you take me away from me

Lost in a dying world I reach for something more
I have grown so weary of this lie I live...

I've woken now to find myself
In the shadows of all I have created
I'm longing to be lost in you
(away from this place I have made)
Won't you take me away from me..."

hm. I dont know. Its going to take some getting used to, but......everything always does. And I need a new persona for next year anyway. If I continue to hate mysekf -- its only going to grow steadily worse, until I fucking die. Its not depression at all, though. Its just hatred and not caring that drive me. Sure enough, I wont get rid of my hatred for all -- but just myself. I have to gain my own respect before I can get it from others. True enough?

I guess I'll be going then....I can still fucking hate my job. I need to quit and get a job at a clothes store. Ice cream sucks ass. I'll probably be back at around 12 or 1 to write again, as my attitude will most likely be much darker at that time.

ok. Yeah. I sound bipolar. lol. But its just an adjusting thing for now. If my entries are highly out of whack...so be it.

2003-07-09T15:06:00.000-04:00

All that you cant leave behind...

Sheer vanity....hm.... Such a single persons title. Single. I dont know why, but summertime is killing me. I do have a job and all, but I'm starting to hate it -- and love it even more. I hate scooping. I hate serving. But I'm starting to really get along well with the other workers there....and its starting to get fun, singing at the top of our lungs and dancing around the shop at the classic rock playing. Weird. yet fun. But only for the few hours I'm there. I always dread going.....but then I dread leaving once I have to.

Watching the clock. Counting the hours until I have to snap back into reality. god....sometimes I really miss my role-playing days. Pretending to be my all-powerful, semi-dark character....who was in fact the Goddess of Light. She never had to worry....she always had her Orion -- until of course I killed that character off and met Theseus.....and then Perseus....and eventually Devonius....ok. SO she got around. But she still had someone.

~sigh~ Sometimes you just have to kick back and be so juvenile. With little high-school feelings and a closed-mind to the World. Sad to think so, but everyone does it. The horrible uselessness of kicking back and feeling so lustful....those thoughts that you dont want to think, but always do. Sometimes they haunt you. You get on track, feeling all above it -- until they come back, and your trapped. Not knowing what to do ever.

I dont know what to do. I'm trapped in adolesence. "no strings attached..." is what he wants. But that day he presented the idea, I pushed him away. Litterally, I mean. Taking his hands off of me, though not moving entirely away...trying to decide if I should kick back and have fun, or run back to my darkened corner in fear. I mean....normal people dont give this thought. They just let everything go -- have the fun. I know its so stupid and childish, but I want it to. Maybe I want this whole "friends with benefits" thing. I want people to see me and not think of some young little child who knows nothing of the World. I want more respect then that.

But, God! Is that respect? To be thought of in that way? To be fun? It seems like mixed up morals....but its so true. In this World right now, its true. And I want to be better then it, be above it. Treat myself with dignity. But I also desire to be a part of it. On my off days....I just feel so lustful, it drives me crazy, I know. And how I long for the respect. I mean...thats how I lost that one friend of mine. Maybe he senced my fear of going along...maybe THATS why he never tried with me. Maybe thats why he rid himself of me. Because I wasnt fun....because was boring.....because I was the "prudest fucking whore" he's ever seen.

Well I want to be part of this World. Maybe its time to give in. I've had feelings for him in the past, I just cant let them get in the way.....but hes so god-damned sure of himself it makes me sick. I may be vain, but at least I'm not out-right conceited with NOTHING to show for it. NOTHING to prove. He is. He thinks hes everything. Thats why he was so angry every time I proved him wrong -- every time I contradicted him. Because I'm not afraid to do that. He has to learn hes not the god he thinks he is. Of course I did it in a jokingly way....but I meant it as more, and he still caught it as such. Maybe hes not as stupid as I think he is....

....but I definatly dont think he knows the depth of my intelligence compared to his. ...which is where the 3rd indecisive part of me shows.....Ther part that wants neither to run away, nor to give in - but to conquer and destroy. yeah, yeah...I know. Even more childish. But I know what hes trying to do. Hes trying to get me to like his other friend -- which will never happen, so I dont even know why hes trying. But I catch this little game they are trying to pull off. I know. It bothers me that they think I dont have the brain capacity to KNOW that their trying to play me, yes, but thats why I want to destry him. I wish there was a way I could give in and make him, MAKE him fall for me...and then in the end I'll drop him on his ass forever.

I said I want to cut them out of my life now, because they're a waist of my time -- but wouldnt this be a bit of fun? Then all things would be right. I'd have double respect. Respect for the fact that I'm not a little shy girl...and respect for the fact that I can be looked at as a heart-breaker. Kind of scary and apprehensive to aproach, but all in all worth to find out the truth -- and he would know that I'm not to be crossed again....it could open a new door.....

.....it could also work negatively. Giving people less respect to me...thinking I'm a mean, slutty bitch. oh, hell....what am I kidding. In this World it would open doors. hm.

So, yeah. This annoyance is giving me a lot to think about. Should I give into this, which could lead to me falling for him again, and embarassing myself and losing the respect of all -- or it could lead me to gain respect, have someone to be lustful about, and have a fun time, while ruining other people's minds (hehe), --- or should I run and hide, still not gaining respect for myself, but also not putting myself in a position where I can be extremely vulnerable?

Because I could just walk on, with my head held high...

"Walk On", U2

"...And love
It's not the easy thing
The only baggage
That you can bring
Not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
Before the second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Walk on
Walk on
What you got, they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it

Walk on
Walk on
Stay safe tonight

You're packing a suitcase for a place
None of us has been
A place that has to be believed
To be seen

You could have flown away
A singing bird
In an open cage
Who will only fly
Only fly for freedom

Walk on
Walk on
What you got
You can't deny it
Can't sell it or buy it

Walk on
Walk on
You stay safe tonight

And I know it aches
How your heart it breaks
You can only take so much

Walk on
Walk on

Home
Hard to know what it is
If you never had one

Home
I can't say where it is
But I know I'm going

Home
That's where the heart is

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
You can only take so much
Walk on

Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind

All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break

All that you measure
All that you feel
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
All that you care
All that you sense
All that you scheme
All you dress up
And all that you see
All you create
All that you wreck
All that you hate..."

I mean....this song has been speaking to me lately, and I'm not too sure why. I should just walk on, shouldnt I? Or maybe I should pretend to, and not listen to this song anymore.....then afterwards I can shove it in the U2 fan's face, showing him in the end how stupid he really is.

But in the end, alone I'll be, once again.......its a never ending cycle. But since I'm single, since I'll stay that way, since I know nothing else.....why not let it be an experiance for all....?

...Or maybe - a possiblility so slim, that I not dare think of it - ....maybe it will end and he will finally learn.

That would put the icing on the cake that I, yours truly, wish to bake.

2003-07-07T01:08:00.000-04:00

"Friends Forever"

Every day I reflect on myself for at least 5 minutes...maybe only two. But every day I do. And I think about the people in my life, and the things I do. The things I've had, the things I've lost..the things up in the air....

[excerpt from Carol's blog] I have to admit I'm afraid of what my best friend's become. I know she'll read this but it's been bothering me. I had a dream. She was singing and she was making faces like she didn't care and I remember watching the way she used to sing. So confident, doing something she loved. She's changed so much I'm afraid I might not know her anymore and I think I'm probably not in her heart anymore. She's changed a lot, she doesn't liked herself or the things she does. She is upset, moody. I just wish she'd be happy with herself, she's such a great person. I'm not trying to stroke her ego I just want her to be the Kerri I used to know. My best friend, someone I knew better then myself at one time. Now I've lost contact with everyone, at least 3 dozen people hate me in this school and they don't even know me. I'm quiet in class, afraid of confrontations. I get picked on, and called names. I have plenty of acqaintances but they don't meet anything that I have for friends. [end excerpt]

With the exception of the 4th, I've been cut out of everyone since the end of school as well. What with the grounding and all....and I havent visited my blog, read any other....etc etc. And I've been fairly happy with family visiting and such, but I really missed that one friend I had. My best friend. Reading that, I just broke down into tears. I thought for a while that she just didnt like me anymore....and didnt need a best friend. I felt unwanted -- I guess I really have lost all the confidence I've ever had. I sometimes feel like I'm so sure of myself.....sometimes just kick back and not care....

....but then when I think of the things that really matter to me, I fall apart. To think I'm so sure of myself. To think I know everything -- its all a lie I hide in. I know truth. I know a lot more then I give off. I'm much smarter then I show myself to be. There are only a few, VERY few people I showed myself to. Ca was one of them. I never had to hold anythign back -- at least, I never felt I ahd to. She was honest to me, she told me EVERYTHING she thought about ANYTHING.

To think we were so close, and then just got pulled apart? Ever loose a best friend? Well.....I havnt lost her. But I need to start becomming it again. Not one day goes by were something reminds me of her, and I think to myself "oh...carol would like that".....or something dumn to that effect, but its still thought.

I know I've changed on the outside. But I am damn well still the same person. I've just been growing more and more unstable and confused and self-centered. Everyone has it in them......it just comes out at different times. But I am who I am, still. Nothing will change what I know about myself.

I still think about you, and I miss you, and I'm calling you as soon as I wake up tommorow morning, though you'll probably be out with john...or not out of bed yet, or something like that. But I'll call and wake you up anyway. Just cuz.

I have so much more I could write right now.....but I cant, because parents orders "be in bed by 1am, or grounded again." (fuckers).

so.....goodnight.

2003-07-02T00:43:00.000-04:00

Long lost, yet well-known family

Holy. Fucking. Shit. How many days since I last blogged? It feels like forever. I've been swamped, sick, grounded, whatnot, and fucking BUSY!! ...for once...lol.

My brother David (who I call Davo, pronounced dave-o), and my sister-in-law-since-february Christina (his wife), came to visit from Washington. Words cannot express how much I love the two of them. Sad fact, though, their relashionship wont last another 2 years. They bicker and talk about their exes too much. It really depresses me, because that means we'll never get to see Christina again - also means that Davo can never be fucken happy. Cuz my family is all about fucken divorces & miserable marriages. The only people happy so far is my sister Susan and her husband and kids. An they're fucking mormans. WHATEVER RELIGION THAT DISALLOWS YOU TO DRINK COFFEE HAS TO BE FUCKED UP! ....no way to live.

Anyway, they came up for my sisters graduation. Yup, my sisters high school career is a thing of the past. As she enters reality, I'm stuck here in sheltered life with my parents. Next year could suck a bit. (if I look at it in a negative way, that is.)

~sigh~ Kim's graduation party was on Sunday night, and genious Kerri (me, if you forgot), decided to try that drinking thing again.... ~flashback to June 12th's entry~ ...heh. Well this time?

It was Kim's friends who started me, playing a drinking game called fache. (Its played with a standard deck of cards, each card meaning a different thing....etc.) Long story short // 2-shots-of-99-berries-2-beers-and-countless-glasses-of-wine-that-Tim-kept-putting-in-my-glass later.....I'm puking up my stomache (litterally) again, and I'm landed grounded for a week.

Can I have a collective "whoops" from my audience, please? ...no? well, w/e.

I think its safe to say that I'll stop MIXING my drinks and/or just not drink again all-together for some time now. Besides, I definatly cannot drink beer. The smell of it, even, makes me sick. (again, litterally.) lol.

The mext night, Monday night, Davo, Christina, Kim, and I were playiong "chicken foot", (this complicated Domino's game), in the basement at 3am. Who was the only one not drinking and making an ass out of themselves??? ME! hehe!! See? I can control myself.

Oh! God, I almost forgot. Last friday Kim and I went to the beach with Christina, and I literally got the worst sunburn ever. My face was (literally) LOBSTER RED. Not to mention how bad it hurt, and the fucking blisters that have formed. ...It still hurts. Point to all this: On sunday morning after getting out of the shower and having my face burn incredibly painfully for an hour afterwards, I asked myself: "I wonder whats worse, this burn, or that time I drank and threw up all night...?" (not having any intention to do so again). ......And after my repeat offense on that very sunday night, I've come to the conclusion that: Sunburn kills, and throwing up sucks.....and both at the same time? Well, the pain goes away....but HOLY FUCKING GOD the embarassment stays. And the scars. heh.

God, I really am an ass sometimes. Hah! lol.

Anyway...this has been one eventful, fun, (and a bit sickening) week that I wont forget for a looooong time. I love me out-west family, and I really hope its not too long before I see them all again, else I'll murder my home-town family.

WOOOOO! ok. I'm done now. I hope your all happy that I'm alive and well, and NEVER AGAIN will I go that long without blogging.

I love you all!!!!!!!! ~and goodnight.

2003-06-26T17:06:00.000-04:00

The god-damned love triangle

Cant take the heat. Have absolutely no energy. Ready to take a long nap....

My brothers here for a week from Washington. The younger of my two brothers. The one that just got married in February. I really like his wife, I hope they stay together. Yeah....yet again my family is having marriage problems. I really hope that this problem I've overheard wont last. Probably not. They seem good together.

Wow, this upsets me though. I feel like I'll have no future with anyone. Maybe I will be alone afterall. Its hard to say exactly what I want, though. Sometimes I think, eh wtf....I'll just have fun in life, blah blah....and other times I just want someone. But who really cares to think of such unhappy things while trying to enjoy their summer? (I do....sadly enough), but to get them off my mind I went shopping.

I absolutely hate shopping, but when I'm in a horrible mood, it really gets me out of it. I got two shirts that I absolutely love. A pocket-book, and 2 jewelry-type things. So...yeah. Slightly uplifted in spirits now, but starting to wear off. I want somewhere to wear them. Somewhere were a certain person will see me....I dont know where though.

I'm thinking about going to someone for help. I was being little miss home-wrecker trying to think of a way to get MY way, and I think I've devised a plan, though I dont know if its a good thing to do...

I'm thinking of going to point 1, and asking him whats going on with the little love triangle thats formed. I know him, so he'll be angry at me at first, saying I'm trying to bud into information thats not a part of me. Unless I do it really inconspicuously....which would be really tough. So then I'll have to inform him somehow that I am sort of a third party on-looker on the situation, telling him of my feelings for another of the points, point 2.

Somehow I'll get information on it all, and urge him to keep implying about asking her, the third point, out. Meanwhile, maybe I'll give into the whole "sure, I'll hang out with your friend, if you're there too", thing.....while hitting on point 2 the entire time, and ignoring his friend....

...long story short, I'll get miss point 3 to sort of catch 2 and I hanging out more often, so eventually she'll pick point 1, leaving 2 no choice but to pick me, who maybe he'll fall for instead by that time....?????

.....ok. So I'm being a bit unrealalistic. Who can blame me? I'm mad and jealous. And I want to get out of the house and get some damn action into my life. ~sigh~ Wow, though. He really likes her. The stupid fuck. Hes so tactless though. Just like with me, he argues with her.....doesnt realize how much of a turn-off that was to me, and probably is to her. I was inches from helping him a bit yesterday, then realized that that would be just as dumb. Maybe I will, though.....cuz again, I'm too nice to do anything mean like that plan up there ^. hmph.

Besides, it could blow up in my face. Like, if he finds out what I did to get him, he would hate me for life. That would suck. And then the happy other couple would also find out when he tells them.....and they'll all hate me, and each other. A whole huge unneccisary fight that would never have happoned unless I entered the picture.

hm. I dont know how horrible that is, though.....maybe I should become a home-wrecker. It acctually does sound like fun.

I have another plan also. But this one is purely evil and is meant only to get everyone in the triangle to hate each other. So why do it? Pure jealousy, I guess. heh....I'd talk to point 2 (the one I like - remember), saying that he should get someone to take point 3's attention away from point 1. I'd naturally volunteer myself as a joke, until he decides to urge me on.....and then I'll do it. I'll seduce point 1 somehow, and get him to give me attention. Horrified, little point 3 will then chose 2....and I'll dump point 1, telling him that point 2 and I came up with the plan......then tell point 3 about it, (also adding in that point 1 didnt like her anymore, so he was in it too), causing her to dump point 2 and hate point 1 and 2. Then they'll all hate each other. And they'll hate me as well, but it would be fun none-the-less. And I'd get the reputation of being this evil home-wrecker, which would probably gain the respect of some unusual people in the school. hehe...

wow. I'd never do that. lol.....that could be a movie though. hm....I think I'm gonna write a book about this. It would be interesting. Of course I'd change the situation around a little, making it interesting and all, morphing plans and such -- omg. I have such an imagination when I'm bored. lol. I think I'm gonna stop now before I get too carried away.

holy shit, I wonder if anyone even understood this entry.

2003-06-23T22:07:00.000-04:00

before I come undone...

hm. Kinda left that previous monologue of mine a bit open-ended. No matter....feel free to interpret it however you'd like. I, on the other hand, know that what I feel is shallow compared to what he feels to the other, so its a hopless battle. Therefore I do not with to try. There are other paths I can take, other people I can find.....cant be the end of the world.

Or maybe I'm just lying and I'll continue to think what I want, but just not let it out to the world? Think what you want, I cant stop that freedom from you. But the point lays that I cant even talk to him anymore. He knows that I like him. Well, it wasnt confirmed to him, but he knows. Or at least thinks hes knows. Hey, thats not right though, maybe I dont! No one knows for sure.... but I see how hes trying to counteract me and keep me away from him, saying I should hang out with his friend instead.

If he had any sort of brain capacity, then he would tell me to start hanging out with his friend who likes the same girl as him. But, failure to comply to this reason, I ignore him. Cant talk to him anymore, I guess. Strange.

My lack of clarity these days isnt because I'm keeping information from you all. Its only because I, myself, cant really say what I'm thinking. My thougts shift too many times to keep up. Sad thought, really.

Anyway, discovered a new band yet again. Well, not a new one, but new for me. I wonder why I'm always the last to hear of such groups. Evanescence. Veeery good. They're lead by a female vocal, which is something I'm always looking for. It allows a girl to connect with the music better. went on a spree, and d/l'-ed a bunch of her songs, making a cd right away. I particularly like her song "Bring Me To Life". It gave me one of those connections...

"Bring Me To Life"

"...how can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where I’ve become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

now that I know what I’m without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

frozen inside without your touch
without your love darling
only you are the life among the dead

all this time I can't believe I couldn't see
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought without a voice without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

(Bring me to life)
I’ve been living a lie, there’s nothing inside
(Bring me to life)..."

UGH! I really just cant take the fact that he talks to me as if he owns me. As if I will conform to the things he says, and as if he knows me better then anyone else. And its not even for him, either....He trys to pursuade me for others, yet does it in such a demanding way. I hate that small factor about him. Fickle person, I am.

ok, again I got off track. But this is my blog and my time. So I can do that. ~sigh~ I really cant settle my train of thought anymore, though. I really cant take the living race of people anymore. Honestly. But summer is starting, so I wont have to force myself to deal with those of whom I hate -- yet...I want to deal with them. How can I make an effort, though?

For god's sake, not to sound conceided, but 3 guys like me that I have no intrest in what-so-ever. AND I DONT CARE!! But I cant just turn them down flat out. I cant do it. I try so hard, I plan what I want to say....but its no use at all. Nothing can stop the stupid shit from flying at me. God, I must seem so self centered. Well maybe I am then. Maybe I am a whinning self-centered piece of shit. I obviously dont want anything anyone offers me. I want what I want. But I guess you cant stop a feeling you have. No matter what you decide, no matter what you try to do -- until the feeling wishes to leave itself from you all-together.

I just really dont know what to do. Any path I can take is distorted. If I want to talk to him online, then I also have to talk to that other person, because he doesnt leave me a free second to think when I'm online. And if I do settle to talk to that other person as well, then the person I origionally wanted to talk to starts trying to forcfully pursuade me to go out with someone else....then that someone else talks to me all depressed, and makes me feel like I want to kill myself every time he speaks -- God, how much I wish he'd just shut the fuck up for once and learn that his problems are nothing, NOTHING -- so if I ignore that and try to hang out with my theatre friends somewhere, of course someone who knows that other OTHER person who likes me will be there, and they'll talk about that....else he'll just plain be there and I'd have to face him.

So anywhere I go I have to face the small things that make my day very unpleasant. But I must face them all. Or what will I be? This ridiculous in-door anti-social hermit who hates everybody. I cant keep shuting myself out.

hm. I guess I'll just have to slowly and surely become a bit darker to certain people, or a bit colder. Not biter and rude, just a bit less friendly. I guess thats what I make myself. Too nice to let people down. But in the end I'm forced to, which makes me look nothing more then ungrateful. The world continues to turn. Theres people like me everywhere, ~sigh~

I just dont know how to deal with it anymore. Because I know what I think, but I cant think it. Nor can I act on anything I think. I feel so much like the hypocrite I am. I wish I could say otherwise, but I cant. I am hypocritic, and therefore I must suffer the consiquences on one. I can, however, break to say that every other person in this world is a hypocrite as well. No one is free of charge. Everyones guilty. Everyone has something they stand against, while allowing others to do it, or the other way around.

Again, the world continues to turn, but I still feel like it turns around me. I know I'm self centered. Again I have that strong feeling of wanting to know everything that anyone else has to say about me. I also am realizing how jealous I can acctually be. How much I hate certain people. Not just those who have certain things I want, but...

Theres something else I havnt mentioned. Something thats been sort of haunting me. How I have this picture in my head of something I cant get rid of....a new sort of story I can have....it isnt too plausible, but....I cant really say much on it yet, to early to know. But if things turn out...I have to...I dont know. Cant say it, I guess.

God, I guess thats whats been bothering me most.....that new idea. How strange it might seem, but at the same time...how logical it might turn out to be. Just a thought, however, nothing more then what I usually think when I'm dazed off in....I dunno, a class like chemistry or something....hm.....never mind, never mind. No use trying to think more on the topic. I just cant.

I guess I should wrap it up then. Maybe listen to the new Evanescence cd I burned myself while making sence out of every peice of lyric I find. Hm. ~heavy sigh~ ....sometimes I wish I could just have someone to tell me what to do.....not in the sence they are doing, however......hm....

2003-06-22T00:33:00.000-04:00

This dance, so surreil...

The DJ played the last song. A slow song, of course. To bid goobye to those close to you. So I grab any random guy, "ladies choice". Lady's choice of what? I've lacked in sheer ambition when it comes to closing in on those I want. So who do I chose? Whomever. Faraway I see some random girl with the real choice of mine. I steal a look every so often, thinking about him the whole time, wondering why I hadnt spoke up. But I lost my chance. Only a dance anyway....

The song ended, as I politely thanked my partner. Going back to the signing papers for the person's sweet 16 I was at, I wait to be the next one to write a little something - sitting on the edge of the table trying not to look too sulky, as I do. He walks over to wait for his friend, who's currently writing. We eye each other. The DJ begins a new slow song, promising for sure now that its the final one. Something, a string of hope maybe, stirs inside of me, unexpectadly. Few words are spoken between us, as the music begins. I feel a sort of nervous pit in my stomache, but try to ignore it. He shifts, seemingly uneasily, as do I, until I finally look at him with a faked sort of bemused expression. After a seconds' heated inner-mind debate, my words come out, feebly....

"....you wanna dance?", I asked. Shocked that I said it.

"sure", he replied. I was unable to determind any expression he might have had.

And we walk to the dance floor. I pulled myself pretty close, and we stayed like that for a few, until he pulled me a little ways away, to talk. He strikes up a conversation, not quite sure of what was said first, but it was a mix of, "how was your evening", "we're gonna hang out this summer", blah blah. A lot of eye contact was made. Noticed it as a first time thing. Lost in his words, I felt a sort of movieland floating sensation, as the lyrics rang out softly, "I finally found someone..." Then he broke the moment by noting how he thinks I could probably be good for a friend of his, one he always mentions to me. "no...", I say, shoulders hunching a bit, as my eyes drop. He wasnt too keen on the fact that I didnt have a reasonable enough answer as to why.

...Not like you can blurt out, "because its you I have feelings for". But do I? Always on the back of my mind, I think of him. But I know hes out of my reach. I know how he feels about her. Therefore I stay in the shadows of silence. But a dance. This simple dance...filled me with such a mellow sadness. Almost unexplainable. Like he drained any happyness I had, while at the same time lifting my spirits -- leaving me to be this emtpy, unanswered question of a human being.

Its an odd feeling, this dance. It was only a dance. Just something I've wanted to do. We finnished the song in silence. As the music ended, we remained there for a few seconds. I wanted to so badly do something I was too scared to do the previous year. To kiss him...

...But, rather, I finally came back to my sences, utterly aware that his hands still wrapped around my waist. I let go, with much inner hesitation. Goodbyes were administered as I left the building and waited outside for my ride. Mind clearly taken aback...that feeling, I just....how can I have that feeling when I know theres nothing I can do about it...it was all so.....surreil.

2003-06-19T23:13:00.000-04:00

dead blog.

Math test tommorow.

Then Harry Potter.

Why do they have to make one of the best days in a long time full of shit?

I so failed. And if I do, I'm fucked.

o well. cant say another word until freedom. Lovely next wednesday freedom.

hate my template - been searching for a new one forever. Found one I like, but realized its not a blog template.

sucks. must change it or I'll die of boringness. kinda like this entry.

has anyone ever heard of cloves? n/m.

~sigh~

ps: kill the fucking mosquitoes. They're haunting me.

2003-06-18T23:55:00.000-04:00

oh, and WHY THE FUCK ARENT THE IMAGES ON THE SIDE WORKING?!??!!! DO THEY FUCKEN INSIST ON MAKING MY BLOG LOOK LIKE FUCKING SHIT!! GOD I HATE THIS WORLD.

2003-06-18T23:54:00.000-04:00

random shit (that doesnt even deserve a title)

Well I havnt blogged much of anything lately. Dont know why, but I just wasnt feeling anything. I still dont. I dont know whats wrong with me, but thigns seemed to be all messed up in my mind. I really cant find my focus on clear thoughts about life. Anything about it. My opinions of things, my love of things, etc etc.

I just really cant take the shit anymore. Like, I'm completely swamped with annoyance. I cant stand any part of my family. Every little thing they do bugs the shit out of me. Like how late they stay up. They all stay up pretty much passed 12 every night. So its loud and bright in the house forever. And my dad with the tv. GOD WTF! why cant they all just leave and GO TO BED?!?!??! I havnt had any sort of concentration since......I dont know when. I hate them. I really do.

And I ahte everyone else. Really, no one cares. About anything. Even when your in a bad mood they dont care. No one takes time out to ask how you're doing. But I dont care. I dont care about anythign either. I jsut want 5 god-damned minutes alone in quiet to write something. SOmething worth reading. But I dont have that time, so I'm stuck writing the FUCKEN DAY BY DAY SHIT CRAP THAT I DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT!

And what do I have to look forward to this week? Friday night, Harry Potter comes out. And guess what? Its gonna totally fucken suck, cuz I lost my god-damned glasses, and have to read without them. So, I've been straining my eyes for a week now, probably getting horrible bags under my eyes and fucking up my vision even worse. And thats all I want, all time glasses. FUCK LIFE I FUCKING HATE GLASSES.

I feel like I'm getting fat too. I hate my habbits. I never stop eating. I'm goign to gain so much weight when i get older. If I do, I'll kill myself. I never want to be fat. I'd rather be dead. I want people to compliment me on my weight and body. But I cant get that because I'm so average, I'm invisable. In all aspects.

And now I'm crying. Near 12, everyone still up. Driving me crazy. I want to get away. But I'm sick of everyone and everything.

It feels like the beggining of last summer. How much of a ditch I was in. Especially with people. God, people. Again, I'm stuck with liking no one. I feel so affectionless. Like, I know of 2 people who like me now. And do I care? Not in the slightest. Why cant I just find someone for me? Not have these people who target me, but never acctually like me, like me. its all fucken politic.

~sigh~ well, another randomness shit entry. Any more of these and I'll have to kill myself for sure. I cant stand dumb meaningless shit. Wish such a passion, that posting this is litterally making me sick to my stomache. But life sucks, so why not.

2003-06-16T00:22:00.000-04:00

Its a beautiful day...

So strange. Have a mixture of feelings and opinions. Every moment they seem to change. I'll be thinking happy, up-beat thoughts......until I'll crash down again. I'm really, really working hard on the optimism thing, but I still cant let it all out. I think to much. Thats a problem for me. ~sigh~

The good: Friday was fucken awesome. It was the end of the year theatre banquet. Everyone gets dressed up very nicely, in gowns and shit -- and we dance, do awards, have a great time. Phil was my date. I love him. A lot. If he wasnt gay, I'd marry him. lol. We danced, he won the "best actor" award.....I knew he would, hes....the best, and we had a great time. Then he had to leave early, but it was ok.....cuz then I danced with every other guy there. It was a lot of fun to just think about pure dancing and having fun, rather then worrying about who to like, what others are thinking, blah blah blah, etc. Plus I learned that I really, REALLY love to dance. (Even though I'm preeetty bad at it.) Its all in fun, none the less. lol.

The bad: And now I'm back to hypocrite. Because, like I said, I'm thinking too much. Its a curse, really, a curse. I came home friday night in high spirits, and then they were semi-trodden on by an ex of mine who decided to be nasty to me when I was only trying to help. You know, the one I thought I could trust. (The one my apparent druken side likes, though only Mandy seems to have heard that....heh.) He was telling me "how good" I have it. (I know I have it good, its just not the fucken best, god.), and then he got all pissed off when I asked whats so wrong with HIS situation. He gave me the "How dare you ask me that!". So......I breifly cursed him out, (I have no control), and he blocked me. Oh yay.

The good: I went on a down-loading spree of the band U2 -- I've heard a lot about them, but never acctually listened to any of their songs. So today, (somewhat due to the fact that the person I yelled at yesterday is a die-hard u2 fan), I went on a spree. And I love them. They're a different style then I'm used to, very interesting. Lovely stuff.

The bad: Started thinking again.....then through my thinking realized, shit. I'm thinking about him a lot. Perhaps I...do like him? Fuck. Nah, cant be. He just pisses me off. Because I figured hes a person I can trust, and then all of a sudden he gives me shit. It happens all the time. But why do I always crawl back? I apologized to him before about cursing at him. It wasnt even my fault. And I wore an eye-catching dress to church, as well as put a u2 song on an away message.......and he IM'ed me. What does that mean? Damnit. Hate it when that happens. Not only that, but if I do like him thats a double negativeness for me, because #1 - it means Kim and Mandy are right (and I hate being wrong), and #2 - he doesnt like me, so I have to do that whole one-sided crush thing that I thought I got rid of in 8th grade. Oh, and making it a triple negative: #3 - I'm too passionate about the people I like, its embarassing. heh.

The good: Its almost summer, and I was thinking a lot about the beach and stuff and how I can get to hang out with my friends a lot this summer.....its gonna be great to have a lot of time to do nothing, and acctually get off my ass and do things......this one u2 song, "beautiful day", I was singing it all day......its a nice, relieveing sort of song. Makes everything seem pretty and ok.

The bad: .....the song also makes me feel like I'm missing something, as well as makes me feel very lustful. I dont even know what I'm feeling anymore. I feel so, I dont know.....lost. You know? Like I dont know where to get back on track again.

The apathetic: The good, the bad, the good, the bad.....blah, blah blah........it eventually ended up making me feel a whole lot of mixed emotions, and now......I've drained, and I feel absolutely nothing. Zippo, nadda, blah, space. Someone asked me before "how are you" on IMs. It took me like 10 minutes to finally say....."I dont know". Then they asked if I was upset about anything. Well? I'm not mad, I'm not upset, I'm not depressed, I'm not happy -- which makes me fully apathetic. I'm also not hyper, nor tired. Which makes me just....void. So I'm an apathetic-void right now.

"Beautiful Day", u2

"...The heart is a bloom
Shoots up through the stony ground
There's no room
No space to rent in this town

You're out of luck
And the reason that you had to care
The traffic is stuck
And you're not moving anywhere

You thought you'd found a friend
To take you out of this place
Someone you could lend a hand
In return for grace

It's a beautiful day
Sky falls, you feel like
It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away

You're on the road
But you've got no destination
You're in the mud
In the maze of her imagination

You love this town
Even if that doesn't ring true
You've been all over
And it's been all over you

It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
It's a beautiful day

Touch me
Take me to that other place
Teach me
I know I'm not a hopeless case

See the world in green and blue
See China right in front of you
See the canyons broken by cloud
See the tuna fleets clearing the sea out
See the Bedouin fires at night
See the oil fields at first light
And see the bird with a leaf in her mouth
After the flood all the colors came out

It was a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
Beautiful day

Touch me
Take me to that other place
Reach me
I know I'm not a hopeless case

What you don't have you don't need it now
What you don't know you can feel it somehow
What you don't have you don't need it now
Don't need it now
Was a beautiful day..."

yeah...optimism? ....right.

2003-06-12T20:44:00.000-04:00

All that you'll ever be is something so crazy...

Well I've been sort of ignoring my blog lately, because....well, I havnt acctually been the best of people lately. In fact, I've gone totally off-character. But I'm done now. I'm myself again. Things just happen, and everythings thrown off whack. Its crazy, but, its in the past.

I got myself drunk on monday night. It started off with Kim coming home from her prom weekend and giving me a beer. It was just a friendly thing. We were in her room, and chating about everything she did over the weekend, and I was so fucken jealous, you dont even know. But I smiled and laughed and all was well. Then my Mom and sister left because they had this theatre fest thing to do at school. So...I made a choice. A bad one.

I scoured the basement for more. I've never done anything bad in my life. Wait, let me think.....hm......nope. Never. I guess we all have to break one day. So I found a small stash and took one out. And drank it. Interesting. Then I went into the kitchen and got one out of the fridge and brought it downstairs and drank half of it. My Dad calle me upstairs, and I had a long chat with him about my Mom, blah blah, he broke down -- I MEAN BROKE DOWN - to me. It was sad to see. Really.

So I procedded to the basement, and finished my third. Then I called Carol. I wanted to go to the theatre fest thing, and I really needed someone to go with. I havnt really hung out with her to much, so I figured I'd call her. And she came. We drove her. I finished my 4th and I believe 5th one before we left. And I dont know what I was thinking, but I put on in my little backpack-bag that I use as a pocketbook. Yeah, you read that right.

So we went to the school. Long story short, we sat at the top of the auditorium, and I fucking took out the beer, opened it, and started drinking it in the auditorium. Of the fucking highschool. Then came a period of time which I dont really remember what happoned. Ca brought me to the bathroom, Mark followed us out and then went to my sister, Amanda found me and helped me down the hall, blah blah, people calling my cellphone -- all a random blur.

I ended up home. And I have to thank Carol and Amanda for saving my fucking life. Not like its worth it or anything. But I could have had so much more embarrasment placed on me, I could have gotten caught, anything horrible could have happoned, I could have even started getting sick there......but I didnt. They got me home safe.

While at home, I started getting sick. Horribly sick. I was a mess. I threw up all over everything. EVERYTHING. Myself, my bathroom, my room, my clothes, my blankets....everything. And I was litterally laying on the toilette hacking up all of my stomache.

Why did I get sick? Think I cant hold my liquer? Well, maybe I could if it wasnt, well -- Turns out that the fucking alcohol in my basement was (ok, please dont get sick) EIGHT YEARS OLD. EIGHT YEARS OLD! So yeah.....I was drunk, and I had horrible food-poisening. My Mom said she almost took me to the hospital. Me and my rancid beer.

And its sad. I really dont remember much at all. I just know that I put a lot of un-needed stress on my closest friends, as well as making a total ass out of myself in front of the people who saw me. Not to mention anything I might have said. I know one thing I said. Amanda told me I said to her: "Where's TJ?" and she was like... "not here, why?" And I said: "Because I liiiike him."

~blank stare~ And do I? Not at all! In the past, yes. But now? Not since the musical, I believe. Or at least not consiously. So....yeah. I wonder what else I might have said that was true or untrue. Lovely. I dont want to ask about it anymore, though, cuz it only gets people either upset, or.... gives them a reason to make fun of me.

My Mom also told me that while I was sick, I was screaming, litterally SCREAMING : "I DONT WANT HER TO LEAVE!! I DONT WANT HER TO LEAVE!!!" Meaning, Kim. Going to college. Now thats true! Interesting. And I do remember telling her how much I hate myself. I did zone in every once in a while.

The last thing I remember before going to sleep was laying in my bed at around, I dont know 3? 4? Laying there with my light on, looking at the closed window across my room, and watching it fly around me in circles. I concentrated on it so hard, but it continued to fly. It was so strange. Like, the World turned upside down.

I really cant believe I had the balls to finally do something. Never in the past, never would I have done something like this. My parents used to be so strict. I wasnt even allowed to watch rated R movies until I was like 14. I'm so shocked at myself. I mean, every once in a while I cringe up, thinking, GOD? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? But....then I know that I musnt regret it. I cant dwell on it. I'm not a horrible person for what I did. I feel horrible, but its a new day. A new time. I'm not defined by it.

I did it for a few reasons. I cant believe they couldnt figure out the major one. They're all "oh...kim leaving.....what my mom did over the weekend...." NO - I. did. it. for. attention. Plain and simple ~ attention. Something I've been craving for so long now. Something I havnt had in the longest time. I see how they've lost track of my feelings. I see it. I see how they dont believe me. Maybe if I was drunk and told them the truths they would see. Just maybe. (Then again, being caught wasnt really in my mind) ...I also did it because of Kim. I was so jealous of her and her escapades, realizing I'd never have that sort of fun, so why not test myself? Have fun by myself?

I didnt really do it to make myself feel better about my fucking Mom (litterally), or my Dad's problems, or blah blah blah......they're just excuses to things. Excuses for feeling bad about myself. Maybe I'm a shallow person or w/e, but I could give a less shit about the hardships of my parents. I really dont care. Go fuck another guy, Mom, you're not hurting me. Just deal with my Dad when he hates you. See if I care. You're not going to ruin my life with your bullshit. So it wasnt a matter of "solving my problems", so much as just -- I needed attention. (well maybe that is a problem, eh).

And boy, did I get it. Not how I would have liked it, but.....still attention all the same.

So.....yeah. Could have died. woo. New trend for me? Nope, no thanks. Life changing experiance for me? No, not that either. Just a stupid teenaged thing I did - that I wont ever do again - until I'm at parties with my friends drinking something NON-RANCID, and having a great, carefree, non-sick time.

~HUGE sigh~ wow. I do feel better after writing this. Because I do keep thinking about the stupid things I did and said, and then forcing myself to laugh (though I really want to die out of shame) NOT ANYMORE THOUGH -- now I guess I just have to forget. And so what if I said something? So what if I did something? Does anyone really care? No, really, does anyone care? No. Only because I'm semi self-centered do I think they do.....but truthfully and honestly, without a bit of vanity: I know that they dont.

And I'm only the same person I was, with maybe a bit more sense. eh, fuck. I still think I'm smart anyway, no matter what anyone says. heh.

yeah, so, anyway.....tommorows the last day of school of my sophmore year. Just one more day, a shit load of regents, and I'm free for the summer. Everyone leaves come August, and then the life will change. Everything changes. And those are my only fears now. The fears of what I'll have to face this summer and next year. But this isnt the time to address that.

I'm going to leave off with these lyrics of a Saliva song called "Greater then/less then". They've been speaking to me lately, and I dunno.....they seem to have something to do with what I've been through. At least to me.

"...Be what you wanna be,
see what you wanna see,
you’re going to anyway.
Take what you need from me,
all that you’ll ever be is something so crazy.
And you can find another side to be on if you wish you can.
Or you can choose the other way cause it is right there in your hands.

And you can mistake it for anything that you want,
and you can erase it with everything you’re on....

You’re so lazy,
you’re so crazy,
you got me crazy in my head.
What you’re wasting
is what you’re chasing and its right there in your hands...

And you can mistake it for anything that you want,
and you can erase it with everything that you’re on.
Cause you’re greater than but less than what you are.
Cause you’re greater than but less than what you come from.

Oh no, oh no, time is on her knees...

And you can mistake it for anything that you want,
and you can erase it with everything that you’re on.
Cause you’re greater than but less than what you are.
Cause you’re greater than but less than you come from.

Oh no, oh no, time is on her knees...."

If you have any comments, please feel free to post them. I'm always listening, and I'll much appreciate it.

2003-06-07T23:36:00.000-04:00

Change Is Inevitable

I...dont even know where to start this entry. All of the shit hit the fan last night. Yet it didnt seem to leave a mess. Let me explain: My mom usually goes out drinking every friday or saterday night with her friends. My Dad hates it. But she does anyway, because hes 60 and anti-social, and doesnt give a shit. This week, however, she oversteped her boundaries.

My Dad went to visit her at the bar she went to, because he had been suspecting something - something - for a while now. Turns out....he went to the van, and who was in there? My Mom. and? oh....some naked guy. yeah. My Dad went psycho. He beat the shit out of the guy, pulled my Mom out by the hair, and then called me as he was driving home. He was screaming at me on the phone: "SHES DEAD WHEN SHE GETS HOME. SHE WAS FUCKING, FUCKIN! IN THE VAN" various shit like that.....and then he said he was gonna coming home. I lost all sences, I didnt know what to do. I was shaking like - never before....and I just, did not know what to do. I was so scared. It seemed so unreal....I just, didnt know what to do at all.

What I did know, was I needed to call someone, someone to talk to. I was online, and the first name I saw I told him to call me, so that if my dad saw me on the phone, I could use the excuse that the person called me. TJ. I dont know why, but he was the person I knew I could temporarily confide in. Strange, huh? He was conforting me, telling me not to flip out and all, telling me to call someone to get me out of there, etc...

Anyway, my Dad came home, and screamed at me. I hung up on him in mid-sentance, and my Dad took the phone and my cell phone, and kept screaming at me. I cant even tell you how scared I was. He was trying to get information from me -- who the guy was....how long it was going on for...etc. And me? I didnt know shit. So then my mom called twice, and both times he told her to: "GET HER FUCKING SLUT ASS HOME, PACK, AND LEAVE" The second time she called, i took the phone and told her to come home. Then I took the phone into my room, and called Sarah's house. She was asleep, so I talked to her Mom and begged her to get me out of the house. She kind of refused, but told me if I needed her to call again.

....then she came home. And the screaming began. Aparently it was her first time, blah blah blah....scream scream, "I'm not leaving, no way", blah blah.....And yeah. Like I'm gonna stand around and watch that.

My cell rang. I took it, and walked outside. It was TJ again, checking up on me. I told him she was home, and they were screaming, and I told him that I called Sarah's Mom and had a chance of getting there....then he told me to get off the phone and call her back, after calming me down some more, and call him once I got out. So I called Sarah's mom, and convinced her to get me.

I told them I was leaving, my Mom was all "hes gonna kill me if you go, dont". And I was afraid too, I wasnt staying no matter what. No way in fucking hell I was staying. I told her to leave, then. For the night or w/e. Though she was drunk. I didnt even care. So I left. On the way home, TJ called my cellphone again, and this time I was ok and out of the house, so we ended conversation for the night. It was very soothing to talk to him, because I knew in the back of my mind that hes had some family problems as well, and he would know what to do. Like I said, I wasnt thinking on my own.

It still just seemed so fake....nothign like this has ever happoned. Nothing even close to this. So weird. I dunno. Bryan also called, when I was at Sarah's house having a cup of tea with her mom. Got wind of the situation, said TJ was a little "frantic" over it, him as well. Its nice to know that people really do care. Almost amazing.

Maybe things happen like this for a purpose. Although there will be that small frame of awkwardness in my own mind, its a blatent fact that something good always comes from a horrible situation. Maybe a lesson learned here for me is that I'll always have someone to turn to, somewhere to go. Maybe its true, maybe I'm not as alone as I think I am. I mean, this was like a test of what I'll have for the next 2 years. Kim wasnt home, she's at prom weekend right now. ANd she wont be home next year either, college. And this is how I'll have to handle things. I'll have to turn to my friends. And now I know they're there.

Maybe this was only a test for me after all. God forbid anything like it to happen again, but also thank God for letting it happen sooner then later. It could have been much worse. But it wasnt. It was a learning experiance for me. Thats all I know. Anything else? I no longer care. I will look at it with indifference. This will not effect me in too much of a negative way. I refuse to let others have pity on me for it. I just want everything back to normal.

They're talked, screamed, and shouted it out all night. And came to an agrement that "my mom is really really sorry and stupid", and that "they're gonna try to be more together then apart." Its so different and awkward. I dont know if I can take the tension. My Dad came to me on the side, crying and told me he was sorry for scaring me, and that he would never hurt me. Its so fucken strange. Like, they are bothv being extra sensitive to saying something every 5 seconds. Like, over examining things just to seem like they are talking more. I cant explain. I just sence such a change in atmosphere. They both know that they hate each other even more now. Its like, such an act. Its like a BAD act. Like soap opera acting. Its so.....fake.

And my reactions? I dont know if I can handle it. This fakness I'm living in now. I dont even want to go to bed, because I know my room is right across from theirs, and I dont want to be near them. I feel so repulsed. Like, I cant believe my Mom would acctually do that. How fucking drunk was she? I feel like shes just on a permanant drunk now. even the ways she was talking to me before....she doesnt talk like that. Over one night, the change has just been so fucking un-cope-able. (which I dont think is a word, but you get the point)

Just....god. I wish everything was back to normal. I dont know how I'm going to gain my respect for her back. And my Dad? Every once in a while he comes up to me and shows me his hands and the bruises, and says....."eh, he deserved it" It just freaks me out. Like...one second its all normal (with the strange, uneasy silence), the next: "hey, look...I think I broke this nail."

I dont know. I thought my control over the situation was strong, but I dont know. Considering that nothing even close to this has ever happoned to us before. But I doubt it ever will again.

I do, however, wonder if it could ever get back to normal again. What am I saying? Its not the time for "normal" anymore. Kim will be gone. Changes will take place whether I like it or not. Everything will be out of ordinary - also in the most unstable part of my life. But I know, with my friends support, I'll be able to handle just about anything....

...I just wonder how long they'll keep this act up before one of them breaks.

2003-06-05T23:24:00.000-04:00

One day I'll fly away...

Well...Its been a week. no. Thats the statement. Its been a week. Not for anything, just.....god. A week. Cant say it was a good one, in fact....I'd like to make a motion to say the opposite.

I felt a strong, heavily strong sense of hatred today. Extremely strong. In chemistry today we had a sub, so naturally we had a packet of work to do. (it was only a practice regents, though, nothing horrible) So anyway, whenever this situation comes into place, the class forms little groups to work together in. My class is undiverse. There were about 2 large groups. Neither of which I am in. There was a huge group in the room. Made up of those people that you just cannot stand one bit. That seem to do things all together, such stupid things (such as making dove noises the whole period), and think that they are god's send to earth.

And just, GOD. With every word and movement of the people, I just felt a greater sence of disdain. Not only that, but paranoia was growing in me. Because rather then do my work alone, I figured I'd write in my journal. It felt like everyone was watching me, that I was so exposed. That people were laughing at me for no particular reason except for the fact that I wasnt part of this "group". I probably could be. I probably could join in and laugh at their little jokes, but.....why? What is the point.

Its horror, these feelings. The atmosphere just had that death sence to it. Not only did and do I feel drained and drowned, but I feel the unbelieveingly strong sence of distaste and distrust. I hate it. Its feels as if their stealing my life. Like....the things they laugh about and such, it was all second nature to me. The people they hate, it was them too who I hated. And attention? They get it. They get the strength of others to agree and notice their anger. To hold some attention. To show their side of hate. Me? No one ever notices. No matter how much I press something, its always left unheard.

This strength, this hatred. Theres no where to put it. No outlet. Nowhere to go. No cry to make heard. Nothing. And its not even so much depression that I feel. Its more defined. Its an intense hatred. Nothing more. I cant even find the adjectives to describe it. Its almost like there is none. Nothing but this detestment I feel. How much I'd like to just ring someones neck. Destroy those groups of people who come together only for the sheer purpose to make everyone else feel bad about themselves.

But I'll press this once, I'll press it a thousand times. But this is where my intelligence surpasses the others -- I know I have that aloofness that I so often talk about of others. This is my aloof dignity. I. would. never. give into a group for the sence of fitting in with the popularity. I'd just as rather starve myself. Seriously. These people are so close-minded and horribly unjust. I do admit to wanting a certain amount of attention, but this? Its asking for too much.

To brake the flow, however, my actions to show my aloofness from the group were closely matched by a few peopel, so they left unnoticed too. I was one of those people I also have a dislike for. The ones who personally tear themselves away just to spite the rest of the formal "group". Then again, I'm not dramatic enough to make a spectacle out of it. Like....a certain person, oh, Marjorie? Shes that smart girl in my class that I've grown to be close friends with. But she has to be the center of attention all the time. All the time. Like.....the group was all talking to her and stuff, and they asked her to join with them......but she went and seperated herself to a lab table and made a whole deal about being "anti-social".

I couldnt even stay in the room. I left during the second period. I really count take the atmosphere anymore. I cant even step into that room. So today I cut my first class ever. Everyone else has done it - million to one they catch me. I'll talk my way out of it anyway. Theres no fucking way I'm dealing with more shit.

But then again, why would they catch me? I'm invisable. NO. I'm not kidding. Even in the halls. People walk into me all the time. People trip over me. Its like a big joke, really. I guess I'm not strikingly pretty to be noticed, and I'm not horribly ungly to be made fun of. I'm not smart enough, or stupid enough. I'm not rash enough, depressed enough., cynical enough, individual enough.....I'm purely invisable. I see how much I individually try to stand out. How I have my certain hatreds, how I have my individual vanity. But this matters to no one. Its trivial to everyone. No one cares about the invisables.

That must be what I am. My steryo-typical high school group. I'm an invisable. No one has more then an indifference towards me. No one notices me. I'm really beggining to notice now. And what is there to do about it? Unlike other problems that I can find the solutions to resolve....this one is hardly easy to overcome. It would take a lot. Too much then I want to give. I guess I'll just remain as is. Dying inside. Unnoticed.

Its sad, though. Maybe I am noticed by some. But I never know. Or I know too late. Or I just ignore it. The certain people that might have ever seen something in me -- its sad to think that in my aloof ways I ignored even them. And now what am I left with? Nothing. I wonder if there is someone who can see me. I wonder if I am real for someone. Anyone. If there is someone out there who knows me. Who can see that I'm not like the others. Who can recognize the fact that I'm an individual. I'm not part of the group. But since I lack both extremes, I'm accepted by no one but....myself. But I'd much rather be dead then unnoticed. There has to be something.

Well, like Satine sang days before she died...

"...I follow the night
Can't stand the light
When will I begin
To live again?

One day I'll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday
What more could your Love do for me?
When will Love be through with me?

Why live life from dream to dream?
And dread the day when dreaming ends

One day I'll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday
Why live life from dream to dream?
And dread the day when dreaming ends

One day I'll fly away
Fly, fly away..."

Someday I'll find a way to end this hatred I feel. Someday.

2003-06-03T22:43:00.000-04:00

Enervated

Overall not feeling too good right now. I'm overly tired for no god-damned reason. And I even took a nap today. I got home at around 4, and slept until 7-8. But I feel like a walking corpse. And I keep eating and eating and eating. I have abslutely no ambition to watch my weight. I dont want to get fat though. My ass is growing like, every day. Its pissing me off. I know I'm not fat or anything, I'm 107 pounds....but maybe I just have a bad self-image or something.

I dont know. I feel drained a bit. Like, the things and people I know. I hate finding out shit about them. Like Phil. I just found out that Phil smokes (cigarettes), and that he doesnt even want to graduate high school or some shit like that. Why??!! Why do these people have to ruin their lives like that when they have so much to give? Really. And I wish I had the power to change their minds......or influence them in some way, but I have none.

I feel so....useless. You know? With so many more things, though. Like, certain people make me feel like shit. I feel certain ways about them, but they're never returned. Its like, people can say all these things to you, but they will never back them up. Someone can say how much they want to hang out with you and stuff, but they'll never make the effort to.

I just dont want to deal with it anymore. Cuz then you have your depressed people who arent happy about anything no matter what you say.......and they get you down even more. Its just such an annoyance to listen to them, meanwhile: I'm probably one, to certain people. I hate this life. I hate the World. Seriously, I'm tired of it. All the misunderstanding. Everthings just gotten so complicated. Its not even worth it anymore.

I have so much more to write, but I really dont feel like it at this time. Perhaps tommorow. eh. I think I'll go read something.

2003-06-01T20:42:00.000-04:00

English

God I hate english essays. I really do. They piss me off so God-damned much. Especially this one. I'm totally and completely stuck. I have no clue what the fuck to write. And....yeah. I'm pressing the fact that I want to be in AP english next year. Why on earth did I do that? I'm screwing myself. I decided a while ago that I wasnt going to...so why did I change my mind?

I know why. Though I hate to admit it, I gave in to the masses. I wanted one thing to make me feel smart. The fact that I'm still in honors english makes me feel a little better about myself. Because now I totally suck in everything else, and English is the only thing I'm part-way ok in. My schedual next year is so fucked up. I'm dropping all the hard classes. Math is totally non-existant in my life next year. And AP Bio? nope. I'm going to drop to regular Bio, which will make me a Junior in a Sophmore class. God, I'm going to feel stupid. But w/e. I'm also not going into the "AP History" course. 2 period of global in a row? No thanks. Normal 1 period with regents work....fine for me. Then of course, naturally, Band, Chorus, and Gym. And I'm also taking Theater Rep class, and Music Theory. My guidance counsler was so pissed that I'm dropping math for all these music courses. She "strongly suggests that I dont". o well. Fuck her. Looks like I cant go to her for help anymore. I'm positive she thinks I'm an ass now.

oh god. I cant ignore the fact that I'm going to be totally alone next year. Except for English. I will know a lot of people in that class. People I dont want to know. I cant have classes with these people. Feel embarassment -- have my writing read aloud in that class. Why am I doing this to myself? Its a choice I have. I know. So WHY am I going against what I want? Its like I have a split personality, and my will is stronger on the less reasonable side. But besides that, everyone I believe is still on the honors track with their other classes. Except me. Should I dare think that it will at least get a little easier mentality and stress-wise? I'm kinda scared though. Never have I been in regular classes. I've always been in honors. And next year I wont be. Who's gonna be in my classes? Will I know anyone? Will they hate me? All thoughts I've failed to consider before now.

And then theres my house. My Dad was laid off at work this year after 40 years of his good services there. yeah, BNL. thanks. His full pay checks end, oh, ~looks at watch~ THIS MONTH. So....in a month we will have no money. And Kim's off at college. So I wont have her. My Mom goes out every weekend and drinks with her friends, my Dad hates that. They hate each other. The only time they get along is to be up my ass with grades and shit. So...I'm stuck with two hateful parents with no one to turn to, and no money. I'm gonna fucking slit my wrists next year, I swear.

Life is Beautiful. The title of the God-Damned movie I have to write about in this essay. The movie was horrible. The message was ok. That even through unthinkable hatred, hope and happyness still prevail. But besides that, it was pretty pointless. It was way too fake. And life isnt beautiful. Only for those who have the things they want. Well, I guess its that speculative "life is what you want it to be" thing again. hm. w/e. DONT CARE. Because right now what I want life to be....it isnt. And I'm not about to fake happyness like they did in "Life Is Beautifull". God no.

ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!!! I think I'm done here. This was a very pessimistic and cynical entry. But thats what this is here for. My blog. Cuz now I feel at least a little better after pouring out my hatred. Its a good thing.

2003-05-31T22:52:00.000-04:00

Ostensibly Helpless

ok.....I dont know why, but "Wonderwall" has really become the song of my life. God, just LISTEN to the words. Read them. I wanted to write a whole entry about the lyrics, but then I realized I already have. On May 16th. And I thought I felt it then, but.....god no. Its even stronger now.

Damn my fucking confusion. I'm such a fickle person. I change my mind and ideas with every shift of the fucking wind. I guess thats where my Moon sign comes in. Pisces. (water sign = shifty emotions) ....but on a more serious note, I really cant settle myself with an idea for more then 5 minutes at a time. A few seconds ago I was totally depressed. Now I'm just energized. Ask me in 5 minutes, I'll probably be down again. Its bullshit, really. But nothing too abnormal.

It just pisses me off. I know, I know - I chose when I want to be happy and not. Its all my fucked up brain. My thinking. My TOO MUCH thinking. Because I'll just sit there and get horribly upset over something once I think too much about it. I could start writing what I'm beggining to get upset about now....but I dont want to. Because I think I'm getting sick of letting everybody know what I think about everything and everyone. In the same way, however, I really like having everyone know. Except for the fact that probably no one avidly reads this. But still......someone could find it. Someone.

~sigh~ "...I dont believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now..." I sometimes really loathe and detest myself. I hate my indecisiveness. I despise the ostensibly helpless way I think about certain things. Thats all I can say, though, really.

God. Look at the date. Its the last day of fucking May. Tommorows June. A new month.....a new time? I somehow feel like I'm entering a new door. I'm not sure why, but I know theres nothing to reflect on behind me. There must be a new door. The year is slowly but surely coming to an end. Well, the school year. I judge years around school. Not the date. And its June. Really, what have I done this month? What have I done to try? To care? For anything, for anyone? Seems like nothing. Certain days feel so far away. Yet they feel like almost yesterday.

The World.....TIME......its moving so fast. I wish I could keep up. Can I? I say I'll try, but its a lack or life I'm feeling. This heartache I give to myself. I wonder what or when they day will be that I finally decide to change...

"...Cause maybe....you're gonna be the one that saves me? And after all....you're my wonderwall..."

2003-05-29T15:21:00.000-04:00

Love? ...or Possession?

hmm. I dont really think I have much to say. And although I was requested the topic of death from someone....I dont feel like writing about it just this time. I have thought about it though, and know a few things I want to say about it. However, this is not the time.

I've hit the mark. I am currently not liking anyone. No. I dont mean hatred-wise. I mean relashionship wise. I've realized how stupid the whole thing is no matter what people try to defend about it. Because unless your serious (which is something I dont want to be at this age, though there are some people who acctually are), theres nothing going on that you MUST have to survive. Plus, I dont want to be a sexaholic until I've hit college......so you cant even base it on that.

Its just possession. Hes my boyfriend, I'm his girlfriend. Its all for gossipal purposes, nothing more. Like.....you see 2 people in the hall holding hands and walking together. "ooo...when did that happen??" ...then after a week, everyone knows your going out and it loses its shock ability and becoms boring. SO you need to find someone new. I'll admit, if I could do that, I would.

I love how I change my opinion on this each day. Like....today I'm into the "possession" thing......tommorow I'll probably be back to the depressed, "someone to hold" stage. Because......god. You can just have some really close guy friends at this age. No one really needs a boyfriend. Then you cant be looked at as "cheating", plus all your options are still open if indeed you do find someone that you're serious about. But just imagine....you just call up any random guy your friends with when you want to go on a date. You have a fun time.....and its over. Maybe call them again next week? But you're not commited.

Why cant highschool be more like that? More then the whole stupid possession thing. If you so much as look at someones "guy" you can get your throat torn out.....or if you're in a relashionship and you look at another guy, your boyfriend can flip out on you. Its riddiculous. And SO DAMN RETARDED. If it was my way.....sure, jealousy would be at a high rate -- but thats how you can tell if you'd ever be something serious. If both sides get jealous very easily when certain people have someone other then them. Its a much more simple and ease-going process. It would acctually be about fun, rather then personal opinion type things.

Oh, and I hate the stupid "world revolves around kerri" rule.....the one that states that the people I want and try to attract are not attracted to me....but those who I specifically try not to attract seem to be into me. (lol, had to add that in.)

yeah...so....mhmm. I'm not exactly sure what provoked that....maybe the whole making up excuses to not feel lonely thing again, but....w/e. Thats my input for the day. I was just making sure that no one thought I died....since I havnt posted since suday. hmm. and nothing's really happoned since then either. Except that I've develiped a shock factor in my wardrobe -- so I can confuse people with what I'm wearing. Its sort of an attention thing.....but, come on. Everyone needs their own amount of personal attention. Like...for example: I wore my tube top net-underneath 50's style dress to school yesterday. lol. Everyone was like: "ooo.....is it a special occasion??" I'm just like, "nah. felt like it." hehe. I need to get a pink shirt now and wear it sometime next week. People will think the World is ending. And maybe it will, who knows? ok....hmm...maybe I shouldnt wear one then....lol.

Anyway....with that said, I'm off to work.

2003-05-25T22:14:00.000-04:00

Is there a second way out?

Same as always. I open the little "WordPad" program, change my font to verdana, size 7.5, and start with a clean slate. No words. I add my little bit of html I always add to the beggining of each blog, and begin to write. No thoughts are on here to begin with. Only space. White, empty space in a little box on my computer desktop. And usually an idea in my head. About what I want to write. What message I want to that day convey.

But not now. I'm writing this little play-by-play due to the fact that I have absolutely nothing else to say. Thats the one horrible thing about writing as a hobby. You can hit a certain point in your day when theres just nothing more to say. You need to have an open mind to write - be in constant action. Well I've shut myself out for about 3 days now. And how to I feel?

Apathetic. I havnt really talked to anyone in about 3 days now. I'm serious. The only people I've talked to are upitty bellport people, and a few tubs of ice cream -- and the hot fudge and whipped creme. And that nasty man who gave me an attitude about gummy bears. I told the cherry vanilla I was very happy to see it....its the first time we've gotten it since last season. And I talked to myself a bit too. As well as sang. Its gets a bit lonely there at Carlas. No one to talk to, but yourself. Especially when its raining and the stupid people arnt even there to keep you busy for a little while.

Like I said. Apathetic. I have no thoughts on people anymore. They're just there. Even myself. I have no thought about myself. I wasnt even vain yesterday. I didnt wash and blow-dry my hair. I stuck it up in the shittyest hairdo ever and then walked to pages in a ridiculous outfit with my sister, and left momentarily. Cuz...yeah. We stick around to chat with each other for hours. Well, sorry. no. I lied. We dont.

And I watched a scary movie -- that almost litterally scared the shit out of me. Jeepers Creepers. It was fucken scary. Or maybe I was just extra sensitive to it, b/c the whole time I was sitting there thinking....I shouldnt be watching this by myself. I should be watching this with someone who can ease my horror and calm me down. But....no. I had to watch it with my down comforter. Some suppliment, huh?

....so yeah. The espresso bean got angry at me because I didnt touch it the entire time except for once. And some bitchy lady gave me a hard time about some "fashion show" tickets that I didnt even know we fucking sold at our shop. Oh....And cant forget that asshole that made me feel like an idiot at the supermarket. I was trying to do a nice thing and let him get on the shorter line -- because I'm fucking nice and I do shit like that. And he had to go and say "I think it would be smarter for you to go on that line...it will be the quicker one. I mean, I dont want to tell you what to do..." ....yeah. YEAH obvious. hi. thanks.

.....randomness, much? I hate this lack of intelligence I sometimes have. woah. I dont mean I'm stupid, dont get me wrong. I just mean lack of anything intelligence to say. I really know and feel how smart I am. In my own way. I know so many things. Some people are so god-damned shallow-minded you'd think they'd learn from others, but.....no. Impossible. People keep acting in their own stupid ways in their own ridiculous worlds...and no one knows when to stop. Or start, in fact.

I can babble on for hours, but the fact is: I still have no idea what to say. Give me a topic, someone give me a topic....I feel like I've covered everything. UGH! I HATE THIS FEELING. Not knowing what to say.

Perhaps I should, uh, maybe, talk to someone. Just maybe. I sometimes dont know what exactly I'm trying to prove. If anything. Like.....I'm not sure what the answer to it all is. I'm not sure how to do things. I want to go out and be crazy, have a little fun....break out of this shell I hold myself under, but.....how? How do you start something when you've dug yourself into a hole? When you've been digging your grave, too deep. How do you find a second way out?

I'm beggining to think there is somethign seriously wrong with me. I think I have an "apathy" disorder of some kind. I would look it up, but I dont even know how or where to begin the search. hm. Theres still so much to learn about this weird human nature. Things that I'm slowly figuring out. Things that not many know. I do know some things though......that others cloud with illusion. Or just blatent ignorance.

2003-05-24T23:04:00.000-04:00

Constant Ambivalence

Its very strange how I'm feeling lately. I dunno....too many feelings at once. I feel a little empty now. Its all feeling like its not really working out. I'm not exactly sure how to approach that stranger anymore. Its a mass confusion - besides, its easier to hate then to like. Hatred was my friend. And now theres just a void where it was. Nothing to suppliment the shift of mind. Its unbalanced. Lacking stability. I hate the lack of hatred. God I'm fucked up.

Hes someone I'd much rather hate them be semi-aquaintences with. Because at least when I hated him I thought of him as this evil persona and character...now hes just - as is. No thought involved. I cant separate what I've made him with what he is. Theres nothing to separate. Its like I was preparing my information for 9 months now, and the trial ended in 2 days. Case dismissed.

I wish I could just walk up to him and start a conversation. But I dont have that ability yet. Its like a game. I have to earn points in order to do certain things. But thats untrue. Its only a game because I make it one. All I really have to do is think of something interesting to say when hes alone one day. I have to stop blowing things out of proportion ~ I guess I am more dramatic then I'd like to think.

But GOD. I dont know. I'm unhappy with everything. obviously. I admit it. I'm one of the few people who can acctually be true to the fact that I'm only happy when I have something to pissed and complain about. Well....most of the time. I can be happy about some things....but when it comes to people, I need certain roles to be played around me.

hm. I still wish I could be his close friend again. I wonder what it was that happoned to me to make me change my attitude towards him. Not just to him, though. I really changed a lot with everything. I wonder if he sees it. I wonder if anyone sees it. I wish I could just sit down and reflect how and when I began this transformation. But to do that for oneself is imposible. I do know, however, that in order to get what I want, I need a few more slight changes...

...I know one change I've had. A change in dress. I'm not sure when it started, but I used to wear pants and t-shirts a lot. Now I cant tell you the last time I wore something that wasnt low-cute, partly see-through...or anything like that. And now I'm strictly tight pants or short skirts. Not so much "slutty", just, confident. I dress nicely, because it makes me feel good if I feel I look good. And I like that kind of attention. As much as I like being (slight subject change) attacked in the mddle of a hallway by a certain person...

...But I fear this little game will end if it continues one-sided. And it amuses me - so maybe I should begin to play? He plays it like such a joke. I really know he thinks that it affects me. Well maybe I should give in a little. Add some spice of my own, and leave him stunned. Nothing serious, just joking around of course - as he does to me. I like him for that reason. How hes trying to play me. Its very funny. It got me at first....but I can catch on. I'd like to turn it around and play him now. See how he enjoys the little game...hm.

I definatly could do it. Flirt with him a whole fucking lot, and totally turn him down once he gets excited. omg - it'd be so fucken hilarious. Then he'll see how it feels. Maybe I can even teach him a lesson. Hes so clueless. I dont know what I see/saw in him. I do, however, want someone similar to him. Someone that could acctually be serious sometimes, though.

...Because I really do want to be held in someones arms sometimes. Imagine a character like him and I in a relashionship...we would fit perfectly together, me and this mystery person. We would just look like a couple. Imagine the jealousy everyone would have? I mean, come on. Perfect match. Light, dark. Optimist, pessimist. Extroverted, introverted. Fire, earth. Yin, yang... Perfection --> opposites complete. Throws away instability. Creates a certain sense of balance...

I really need to find myself a sagittarian. I wonder how much I'd be able to change one....and him, me. Maybe he could help me sort out my ambivalence? A sagittarian could attune himself to my changes...b/c they can probably be both serious and aggresive. Thats what I want. A sometimes serious - sometimes aggresive and fun relashionship.

Oh wow. I wish I could sort myself out sometimes. I really need to. Its like, a weird form of bipolarness. Instead of crazy-hyper and depressed - its rather, aggresive-playful and serious. God I'm crazy. lol.

But really...back to who I was talking about before - the stranger - I think the best, or, easiest way to start conversation with him again would be to have a boyfriend. So then I couldnt seem like some "helpless romantic" that only returned to him to confess my long-lost dramatic love. Which isnt the plan. ok....I wont get too carried away, but the point is - it would be easier to talk to him if I had something to talk about. Like, if I had a point. Something to be happy about. To use as a crutch. w/e. Cant really explain it. It'd just be easier. Take my word for it. lol.

Anyway...to break the seriousness....I cant wait to start the game again! God, I'm juvinile sometimes...but it'll be fun. The banquet for the musical is coming up - I'm wearing that black dress again. incognito, of course. And I'll let him know, and take notes on how many times I catch him staring at my ass. It'll be fun...maybe I can even get something out of it...? ....then again, no. Sucks for him, haha...I have a date. Phil! Good. I'll have someone to dance with. Having a date will probably make him notice me even more...hehe. But I cant ditch Phil, I love him too much.

Dont misunderstand me, though. Not that kind of love. hm. lets see...Theres 3 different kinds of guys a girl like me needs. One is the "big brother" type, I guess you can call it. They're like, rent-a-boyfriends. Its a different kind of attraction. You love them for the cute little hugs and kisses they give. They're for cheering up, making you smile. An example would be Phil or Franz....I dont want to have a relashionship with this type, just a friendship. Usually gay guys, or guys older then you play this role.

Then theres your "type 2's". The "suppliment girl friends" for someone who despises being part of those girl hangout groups. You know, how they congrigate together and are are giggly, and......girly. The second type of guys make up for this. This type is usually foun din groups, though they can be singular people too. These are the ones you talk to and tell everything to, having a sort of mutual "friendly flirting" with, only meant as a joke on both sides. Guys singularly, or in a group are usually much more interesting then a group of girls. Theres too much competition in those kinds of situations. Its too dramatic -- with guys....The attention for being the only girl is fun, as well as much needed. These spaces are usually filled by guys younger then yourself, or guys your age you wouldnt want a relashionship with.

The last type needed is an acctual relashionship. This completes the trinity of needs. The kind you learn to love. One you can understand the best, and feel mentally, as well as physically attracted to. To hold in your arms, to kiss, to be passionate and violent with --> the part I'm missing. These are the guys your age who you feel a connection with. Its killing me that I dont have this section of the guy spectrum in my life.

Then theres the 4th type. The type you dont want. The ones you're completely confused about. The ones you want a mixture of all 3 types with, but are acctually getting something totally different instead. That you cant really pinpoint. These are they types you want to mold into type 3's. Or turn into type 5's. A type 5 would be your one night stands....but since I'm not running around having sex at this age, I really cant say much about type 5. Though it would be nice, wouldnt it...

Anyway, it seems as if I can easily sort myself out, doesnt it? But my life has been filled with too many type 4's. And even ONE can drive a person crazy. hm. What more can I say?

My indecision is growing at a horribly rapid rate. I change my mind about what I want every 3 seconds. How could I ever expect someone to keep up with me? I want a relashionship. I want affection. I want aggresion. I want to be envied. and feared. I need this all to balance myself out.

I guess all I have now is a game I need to start. And someone I need to find. Well? Let it begin.

2003-05-20T21:37:00.000-04:00

Mathematics of life...

ok. I dont hate anybody more then my family now. I am so fucken pissed right now. I shouldnt even be on posting, but I'm home alone. I'm grounded from the internet. Why? Because I'm failing math. And why does that not matter? I already explained to the bitch that all I need to do is pass the fucking Math B test at the end of the year.....and if its higher then my last quarter grade, my teacher is making that my last quarter grade.

But the bitch is still retarded. She decided to go to my math teacher and have a little conference with him. And he told her I have homework missing.....and she flipped out. ok. Homework. Doesnt. Fucking. Count. For. Anything. So now I'm not allowed on the computer for a week. An entire fucking week. She also threatoned to "go around to all of my classes everyday to make sure I hand in everything". WHAT THE FUCK?!!?!

WHY CANT SHE JUST FUCKING WORRY ABOUT HERSELF!!!!??!!!!?!

AND WHAT IS TAKING ME OFF THE COMPUTER PROVING?!!??

SHIT. ABSOLUTELY SHIT NOTHING. ....cuz now I'll even refuse to do my work even more. When are they going to fucking learn that I do things on my own? And when I';m forced it pisses me off even more, and just.....I'm not gonna let them have the satisfaction of making me do something. I really. really hate them.

Why am I on now? Cuz I'm home alone. Everyone left. My asshole parents who I want to kill when they get home....are at the LI Duck's game (minor league baseball). And my sister is at the nearby coffee shop with Mark. I'm. alone.

I also walked home alone today for the first time ever. I usually, at least, have Kim to walk with. This made me realize, though, that this is what I have to look forward to next year. Everything will be totally different. I wont have my sister anymore -- she'll be gone. And I've always had her as, I dunno, like a crutch. But next year I wont. I'll be totally alone if I dont change something.

So...lesson for the day: What do you get when you decide to throw a little confidence back into your life? (which is what I was doing all dy today)......?

SOMEONE TO TAKE IT AWAY AGAIN!

....ok. I guess thats all I have time for. Dont want them to catch me online. I'll see you in a week or so. If I'm not completely fucking ruined by then. No blogging, venting, talking to friends that one doesnt really chat with on the phone, talking to people that I JUST DECIDED TO TALK TO AFTER A YEAR, nothing. So I'll be a fucking stone this week. Hating life, along with everything else.

Hope they're happy.

2003-05-19T22:44:00.000-04:00

Bleed for me...

I was talking to my friend Tracy today, and she told me something about her closest guy friend. About how he told her flat out he didnt like hanging out with her anymore, and he didnt want to be friends with her any longer. My anger to what he said to her was so strong.....because I, of course, had the same thing happoned to me. You know by whom. And well....I remember how angry I wqas at him at first....until I slowly realized it was my fault, and I missed him incredably much.

Well....

....I cant believe it, but I did it. I talked to him. I IMed him. I talked to him. I dont know why today.....I dont know why now.....I dont know what possesed me. Well, it was most likely the thing about Tracy and her friend......could also be what Mrs.Gilley wrote back to me about my memoir......could be that fact that he said "bye" to me on saterday....But it's done. Alex. After all this time, I dont know what made it today.....but I knew I had to some day. And, just. omg.

ShaddowedVixen: how about a hello, before a goodbye....Alex
Jncodrum: yo
Jncodrum: who's this?
ShaddowedVixen: someone who used to be a friend of yours
Jncodrum: kerri?
ShaddowedVixen: yeah
Jncodrum: how's it goin
ShaddowedVixen: not bad
ShaddowedVixen: you?
Jncodrum: not bad either
Jncodrum: kinda surprised that you wanted to talk to me actually
ShaddowedVixen: me too
Jncodrum: glad though
ShaddowedVixen: its just, weird though
Jncodrum: why's that, besides the fact that you hate me for whatever reason
ShaddowedVixen: i dont hate you
ShaddowedVixen: never did
Jncodrum: hmm...well I got the impression that you did, or do
ShaddowedVixen: hm. i really thoguht id have so much to say to you
ShaddowedVixen: and right now i cant think of anything
Jncodrum: well I'm just glad you're saying anything to me
ShaddowedVixen: i really did miss you
Jncodrum: I missed you too ker
Jncodrum: for whatever reason you stopped talking to me, you don't have to explain it if you don't want to, but
I'm sorry
ShaddowedVixen: i guess its just the fact that i dont take things too well, and just....that day on the bus when you said that thing to me....it really
hurt
ShaddowedVixen: but its my fault, dont be sorry
Jncodrum: what did I say to you on the bus?
ShaddowedVixen: that you didnt like hanging out with me anymore -- bascially....you just didnt like me anymore
Jncodrum: well I can tell you that I didn't mean it like that, but let's not worry about it
ShaddowedVixen: yeah....i always wondered what you meant, but i guess it doesnt matter
Jncodrum: yea, i just wanna start talking to you again
ShaddowedVixen: i dont know why i stopped.....ive been wanting to talk to again ever since the muscical, but i didnt know how
Jncodrum: same here
Jncodrum: I'd think about talking to you but not know how to go about it
ShaddowedVixen: uh huh
ShaddowedVixen: i was going to start by saying you did an awesome job in the play.....which you did.....but that didnt seem right.
Jncodrum: yea somehow I got the impression that if started casual conversation with you it wouldn't really work,
I had to actually say something interesting
ShaddowedVixen: yeah....but you did say bye to me the other day. i guess thats why i decided to IM you
Jncodrum: well I'm glad I did somethin right
ShaddowedVixen: im glad i decided to not be an ass anymore
Jncodrum: hey I don't blame ya
Jncodrum: put it this way you got some time off not having to put up with me :-)
ShaddowedVixen: i could say the same...lol
ShaddowedVixen: ok, being honest.....im talking to you now, because i wrote about you on my memoir -- along with a few other things....and it just
made me realize how much i miss the person i used to be, and i dunno, i guess i just have to get rid of somet higns in my life, like my problems with people
and stuff -- even though theyre most of the time one-sided
Jncodrum: well whatever you had to do, that takes a lot of effort on your part, and I appreciate it
ShaddowedVixen: thanks
ShaddowedVixen: ok, well....i g2g get ready for work
Jncodrum: well have fun...I'll talk to ya later
ShaddowedVixen: yeah...ttyl, au revoir
Jncodrum signed off at 3:18:49 PM.

So...there you have it. I couldnt even type, my hands were shaking so much. It really did take a lot out me to talk to him again. OMG -- I really just cant explain. My eyes just streamed out. I couldnt even see the fucking screen. I dunno. I really dont know.

Then I showed the conversation to my sister -- she was crying. lol. She was like "I've been trying to get you to talk to him for like the whole year...."

...so...what now, though? I dont know the next step, but I broke the ice. The Icicle. Friends, maybe? Could it ever be possible again? I spent these whole past 10 months in utter hatred...can I change that part of myself? I felt as if I was talking to a stranger.....a stranger that I created in my own head. But hes not a stranger. Hes Alex.

I dont really have more to say, just......I'm still amazed at my sudden change of... everything. I went on a downloading spree of this band I heard a song of, Saliva....besides the fact that I'm now obsessed, I've found a new favorite song. One that I connected with the first time I listened to it. I guess this is the song I'd use about how I felt about him...

"Bleed For Me", Saliva

All I ever wanted
was to be at your service
but now I'm alone
cause you were here and you're gone

And all I ever wanted
was to feel I had a purpose
but now that's all gone

But if you could give me
just one love
just one life
just one chance to believe in mine
just one love
just one life
you'd bleed for me
and I didn't dare to notice you
now I'm stuck
out on a line.
Bleed for me
I didn't care to be with you
now you're stuck in my mind

All I ever wanted
was to be what you needed
cause something so strong
it could never be wrong.
And all I can promise
is to say what I'm feeling
We've made it so long

But if you could give me
just one love
just one life
just one chance to believe in mine
just one love
just one life
you'd bleed for me
and I didn't dare to notice you
now I'm stuck
out on a line.
You'd bleed for me
I didn't care to be with you
now you're stuck in my mind

Just one love in my life...
You'd bleed for me
and I didn't dare to notice you
now I'm stuck
out on a line.
Bleed for me
I didn't care to be with you
now you're stuck in my mind...

...I mean, he never bled for me, nor did he miss me as I missed him....but just the fact that its saying how I needed him to believe in myself and all.....you know. Its just an amazing, strong song. And no matter what, I know I'll always remember him. No matter where this leads us or w/e. I just....I'm really glad I finally talked to him again, even if we never do again.....I so just needed to say something to him. Anything.

2003-05-18T21:36:00.000-04:00

A picture's worth a thousand words...

My english teacher gave us all a project to do over the weekend. It was optional. But I did it anyway. Like that? I dont do regular work, but I do extra work. heh. Anyway.....it was a memoir project. We had to pick a picture of ourselves - a meanful one - and write about how things were back then, and how things are now. The picture you see below took place 2 years ago, at the end of my 8th grade year of school. The best year of my life....

The day was June 8th, 2001. The end of year dance of my 8th year of school. The best year of my life. It wasn’t so much that specific night....though that did explain a lot. My year just went amazingly well. I had everything. The closest friends, my favorite teachers, an optimistic attitude, hope, love....the list can go on forever.

The night was a care-free time of running around the school, dancing, laughing at certain couples, comforting friends who felt upset, having small confrontations with friends, which were later to be resolved, and even being comforted at one time as well....though in the end, we all had an awesome time together.

My friends and I, at the time, (just as a joke) called us all a “posse”. The picture is part of my “posse”, though some important people are missing. Going from top to bottom, left to right, the people are: Tracy, Sarah, me, Carol, Christine, Steph, (next row) Jackie, Kristine, Brittany, Joy-Anne, (next row) James, Mike, and Alex. We basically had “team” classes in this grade, and hung out with our “team” people. This picture was a mixture of two different teams; people who weren’t exactly close the entire year - but this night reunited. My closest friends at this time, however, were Tracy, Carol, Steph, and Alex. The people missing from the picture, 3 more of my closest friends, were Ashley, Nichole, and George.

I was extroverted back then. I had so many ideas, so many friends, and so much to give to everyone. I was cheerful and hyper back then. Optimistic to a point where I still had those little “school-girl crushes”. I was funny back then. Made everyone laugh, saying the simplest of things. I was very intelligent - cared about myself and my grades to the point where I’d argue with teachers just for extra points that I was sure I should be getting. My teachers were top of the line. They were amusing, loving, and cared about each and every one of us as an individual. I’ll never forget my three favorite. Mr. Kronenbitter, who made even US History seem fun, Mr. Midwinter, who saved me from a confrontation with another student, and then my all time favorite: Mr. Sckipp. He was always there when someone had a problem. He was the one who made me love writing. He was the one to bring confidence back into my life.

My friends were amazing back then. We were all so close. I met my best friend at this time. Carol. I never really knew her until 8th grade, and I didn’t realize how similar we were. We became so close - we could even finish each others sentences in about a month of knowing each other. I remember how, when we first met, we disliked each other. We were nasty and sarcastic, because we were so alike. It was almost like a competition. I remember how many problems she went through that year. I helped her through all of them, and she really made me learn a lot. It was her, I think, who made me the person I am today. Who helped me, by helping her. If there’s one thing I still have from that year, it’s the ability to know things. To see through people. To help others, and to hold that one feeling of superiority to shallowness.

I met another amazing friend of mine that year as well. Alex. Words can’t be used to explain him. I opened up to him the first day I met him, and we became extremely close. Anything that went wrong with me, I could go to him. He’d never fail to brighten my day. He could always make me laugh without even trying too hard. I never really realized how much he meant to me back then. That is, until I lost him...

I had dreams back then. I had a hope that I’d keep my favorite things forever. My losses were extreme, however, and I still feel the scar they left to this day. From this year [8th grade] on, I saw a change develop in me. I lost my confidence when I finally decided to tell the guy I had a “school-girl crush” on how I felt about him. His name was George. He didn’t return the feelings, and I closed myself out to the world. I became cold and spiteful to all. I lost touch with a lot of people I knew that year; didn’t even bother trying. I lost my confidence. I realized, immaturely, that I wasn’t good enough for anyone.

I hate the person I am today. Although I do like the fact that I grew out of my “hyper little blonde girl” stage, I still dislike how I lost my impact to people. I’m introverted now. I listen more then I talk, which in a way is a good thing, but only to those who wish to talk to me. I have trouble, now, dealing with defeat. Dealing with the fact that no one can get everything they want. I have fears now. I have fears of being left alone, fears of paranoia, and even a fear of the inability to fit in. I want to be different, but in a strange way I yearn for that little bit of attention one gets from others who are like you. I also lost my willpower and work ethic. I slacked off in school, because I realized that I would never have the same teachers as I had. And I hate the feeling of doing something for a teacher, or rather, a human being that I dislike.

I feel like I’ve developed a misunderstanding with a lot of people. I’ve become enemies with friends. Like my friend Ashley. We were always together, using our music abilities in the choir, doing summer music programs together, etc. But she wasn’t able to adjust to my changes – had some of her own – and now we are just two strangers that might say hi to each other some days – while secretly hating each other on the side.

And then there’s Carol. We were amazingly close until around this year. We have a problem, I think, of understanding each other. We are two different people who have developed two different ways. I can sense her feelings of aloof dignity towards me, and I can discern her dislikes of dealing with my “juvenile” issues. It’s upsetting to see your best friend of the most unstable time of one’s life slowly fading away. We really just can’t attune to each other’s schedules and lives. But I’ll never forget her. We still talk, and hang out some times...but its just not the same as it used to be.

Through this all, though, there is one thing that I would say ruined me. One person that somehow left my life’s spectrum of people. One person that I loved as a friend, and always will – even though I lost him. Alex. As I explained before, he was my closest guy friend. But when I entered the cold and spiteful part of my life, I somehow drew him away from me. I didn’t even realize I was doing it at first, but I begin to shut him out. I felt that I didn’t want to have to bother him. I lost my confidence, and I didn’t want him to see me this way. I realize only now, how he tried to stay in touch. But then he gave up. And I realized after he gave up that I lost someone that was so incredibly important to me. Losing him was the major action in my life that bereaved any part of love for life I had left. One never really knows how much someone can mean to them, until they are gone.

If I could change one thing about the time past since that picture was taken; since the end of 8th grade – It would have been to keep in touch with him. He really was one of my closest friends, and no one can ever fill his place. I say I have a hatred for him now, but all in all, it’s just something I say to cover for the asinine feeling I have for driving him away. If I didn’t lose him, I know I’d still have that little bit of confidence. And I’d continue to have the ability to feel extroverted - which would once again lead me to open up to more people, have a love for life, and in the long run, become a smarter version of the person I once was. The person I loved. But, contrary to what I want, I don’t have it. Which I why I am the person I am, today. That cynical, sarcastic, and pessimistic girl I’ve become. I don’t, however, regret all the knowledge I’ve gained.

.....and thats it. Do you think I'll get an A+?? lol....prob not. I use too many fragment sentances. She'll be like WTF. And she'll probably send me to guidance for it. Most of the peopel I wrote about it are in her classes. lol......I hope no one else sees it. God, I'm way too personal. lol. so...yeah. OH!! ~and I know most pictures are worth 1,000 words, but....I lied. This one was (I check on word count), 1,485 words!!!! lol.

2003-05-18T00:23:00.000-04:00

To say goodbye...and never say hello.

ok...party tonight. Total blow. It was some girl's sweet 16 -- and I was invited. I'm not really good friends with her or anything, but you know how it is.....

I knew so many people there, but.....I only acctually talk to about 5. There was about 10 ex crushes of mine there.....awkward. And the people at my table ((the musical people; like kim, amanda, christy, charlie...etc)), they didnt want to dance the entire time. I did. So I was like, burning with energy and aspiration -- got nothing.

We did dance at a few points, though.....like I did my "taking off my jacet like I'm stripping" dance when "its getting hot in here" came on. lol....I love doing that. I must have looked like such an ass, but if I hear that song......it just turns me on and I have to do that. I wonder what people who saw me were thinking...... "what the fuck is that girl doing? does she think shes cool or something?"

God....I was really mad!! When you hear that kind of music -- even if you dont like it.....and even if you dont like the other people there.......you SOOOOO want to dance to it.

I had this black one shoulder dress on......with this lace-like part on the one angled side -- laced up to like....a little below my ass. AND I WAS INCOGNITO!! ((...thats the term you use to say you were wearing no underwear, right?)) hehe......well, you get the point. So I was like SOOOO flustered that no one wanted to dance..... I wanted to show off, really. But what? And to who? I dunno -- just wanted to show off.

Everyone at my table knew I was wearing no underwear.....my sister decided to tell. It was pretty funny. I like that weird attention you get. hm.

....ok. So I cant explain. lol....but, just, GOD!!! UGH!!! lol.

....and you know who was there at my fucking table? My dear friend Alex. .....yeah. There was one point where him, kim, and I were the only 3 people at the table. Talk about awkwardness. I got up and left. I couldnt deal. Really. In a way he still drives me crazy. I just dont know how to explain it. Its a day of the non-ability to explain things.

And then.......I'm such an ass. When he was leaving, he said goodbye to everyone individually....like, quickly though. "bye kim, bye charlie, bye christie......bye kerri". What was that?!!? He just said bye to me? Did we even talk at all? Do I even know you anymore? I balked. Just stoped and stared in shock at him. Like a complete and total ass. And then he left. Mind you, those are the first 2 words hes said to me since......uhh........OCTOBER?! WHAT THE FUCK was going through his head? GOD I'd like to know.

I'm an ass. Really. Who else would this bother?? ABSOLUTELY NO ONE. My stomache lurched, and I felt like, sudden nausea come over me. WHAT. THE. FUCK. My eyes teared up. I dont know why he makes me feel that way. honnestly. JUST DRIVES ME CRAZY!!!!!

I just decided. Next time hes online....I'm goign to IM him. Say something like: "how about a hello before a goodbye, alex?" ....see where that leads us. Get this stupid thing I have over with. Going to gain up the courage to talk to him once more. God. I say that now, but....yeah. I wont.

w/e. I am psychotic. I'm an ass. Cant deal with it anymore.

ok....I think I'm going to change now, and put some clothes back on. This, uh, style, is getting me just a little too worked up.

2003-05-16T15:18:00.000-04:00

There are many things that I'd like to say to you, but I dont know how...

I guess its just another one of those days.....I have to go to work in a little while. I was supposed to get off, b/c the boss thought it was going to severely thunderstorm. I dont understand why people still refuse to realize tha the Worl revolves around me, and I'm almost always right about everything. I said there will be no rain. And now look. Is there? Well, if you lived here on Long Island and looked outside -- almost a clear blue sky.

"Wonderwall", Oasis

Today is gonna be the day
That they`re gonna throw it back to you
By now you should`ve somehow
Realised what you gotta do
I don`t believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Back beat the word is on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I`m sure you`ve heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don`t believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
But I don`t know how

Because maybe
You`re gonna be the one that saves me?
And after all
You`re my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day?
But they`ll never throw it back to you
By now you should`ve somehow
Realised what you`re not to do
I don`t belive that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

And all the roads that lead you there are winding
And all the lights that lead the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don`t know how

I said maybe
You`re gonna be the one who saves me
And after all
You`re my wonderwall

I said maybe
You`re gonna be the one who saves me
And after all
You`re my wonderwall

I said maybe
You`re gonna be the one who saves me
You`re gonna be the one who saves me
You`re gonna be the one who saves me

Yeah....I'll write more later. But nothing can explain me more right now better then those words I've just posted. I wrote them on my last blkog, but for no reason. Today I feel connected to the music in that song. And I'm feeling horribly low right now. ~sigh~

I really dont know what to do with myself anymore...

2003-05-15T20:58:00.000-04:00

Play the game...

Its a thursday night. A special thursday night. Everyones out with their other half watching the Matrix together. Everyone, that is, except me. It sucks to have a boyfriend, and not have it be real. I dont want just a signed paper (not litterally) saying I'm going out with "such and such". I need someone to take me out. I need to be taken out right nw. I have the right. I should be out right now with a guy. Watching the Matrix. I was so excited about its coming out. I fell in love with the movie when I first saw it in 8th grade. I waited forever for it to come out. And now. Here it is. The day.

And I'm at home typing this, feeling absolutely miserable, and throwing my own pity party. ~blows out her candles~.

This. purely. sucks.

Why shouldnt I be taken out? I know so many people that like the Matrix. Yet I dont have the strength inside of me to ask someone. Let alone talk to someone. Where did all of these fears come from? Well.....of course I know. Because I'm only really thinking of one person anyway. And I cant talk to him anymore. I feel like I'm intruding. And hurting myself. Its true. He does make me weak. But why? Hes nothing.

I hate memories. Sometimes I acctually wish that I didnt have happy memories. Because then no matter what happens to me, it cant be worse then anything that already has happoned, because I'll have nothing happy to compare it with. Anyone following my logic on that? I do, most certainly, have a point here. Because all I do now is compare to things back then. Not even so much as 8th grade....I've realized I'm thinking back to LAST year. Everything and anything. That was the year I could have changed. But I took the wrong path. And screwed it all up. Became this pathetic meaningless thing that I am now. Its horrible what I think of myself sometimes.

God. I'm just in one of those moods. One of those unbreakable pitiful moods. That I just feel like the World has its back turned on me. Well, holy shit why cant I be happy for just once? I see so much of it around me....how much I want to be a part of it. And I see all of these new people.....but I just cant make myself become a part of them. Because I'm hung up on the old people I cant, and could never, stop thinking about. Like....I have been thinking lately, acctually, of certain other people -- but they seem so distant....its like, you have to stay away unless your invited. And I look at myself. And try to think of a way I can become what they want. There are more cute guys in the school then I've thought. But I down-grade myself thinking I'm not good enough for them.

When was the last time I had what would be classified as a "little schoolgirl crush"? Maybe I'm due. Maybe I'll throw myself at someone....just to catch other peoples attention. But really. Honestly. How does one go about getting into their lives? Rule out becomming full-out preppy, and rule out becomming popular. Because both I'd refuse......and both are impossible anyway. So how? There is no way. Therefore I am stuck in the same possition as I last was.

Aiming for those who I can aim my target at. But they are all wrong for me. They arnt what I want. And I'm not attracted to them......not only by looks, but also by the reason of image that I need.....and then personality and all. I am a personality person. Someones confidence in themself, along with the way the hold themselves, and then how they look and treat themselves -- all major factors of my affection. Which rules out a lot of people who have ever targeted me. I just cant be with someone who isnt what I want. I know I'd never care for them correctly....and I'd feel to insecure and awkward. Which is no sign of a relashionship.

And, just.....GOD! Where do these people come from? How did they ever enter my life? WHY do I think about them? What is wrong with me? WTF turned the tables like that?!?!? HOW DID IT HAPPEN?!?

I'm a mess. I'm miserable like this. What happoned? Its just.....confusion, mixed thoughts. Asinine emotions. I dont know what to think anymore. Its really just a big. mess. And I dont know what to do. I dont. I never know when my thoughts are serious anymore or not. And its driving me crazy. I dont know what anyone thinks anymore. God, I dont know anything.

Its all a game. Its all just to get to me. I know it.

Well I'm sick of fucken sitting on the bench.....

But I dont know wheather I should quit...or begin afterall.

2003-05-13T23:20:00.000-04:00

Forget, Regret

Well......I know I said all that stuff about being in a "good mood" and everything....so dont get me wrong. I'm still trying. And I'm going to continue to do it. I just need some writing time right now to let out any sadness, so it doesnt build. You know...?

eh. anyway...I'm feeling uneasy about a bunch of things. And I dont know who to talk to about it. Like.....everything is just mushed into one in my head right now, and when I go to talk about it with someone, I remember that I cant talk to them. Cause certain people cant hear one part.....another doesnt care about a different part.....one I'm sick of talking about another part with....so theres no one I can talk about everything with. Its so....draining.

Theres a few things I've been concentrating on about mostly lately. Like, thinking about people and stuff. And certain feelings I have regarding them. Stupid things. Like, things I dont even want to bother talking about. Thats my problem right now.....I cant talk. I'm like, in a closed box now. I cant say anything....in fear that people might read.

My thoughts, however, are not to complex right now. Their mostly concentrated on regretting thigns that I've lost. I guess its just one of those times during the day where I sit back and reflect. Because, well, I learned that nothing will ever be the way I want it in the slightest chance.....of now. Like......thigns I've thought about having a chance of doing, not possible. So now I look back again.

You know.....tommorow could be an interesting day. I'm going to make an effort to do something tommorow. Something I dont feel like talking about. I could have tried today, but....didnt. I dunno. I guess I have to. Just put passed shit behind me and make an effort to live tommorow. Tommorow could be very interesting. hmm.

hmmm.....GOD. I just keep thinking and thinking....its driving me CRAZY. Sometimes I wish I could jsut go back in time and change some things a bit.

You really never realize what you want until you lose it. Its true.

2003-05-12T22:05:00.000-04:00

Revelation

Did you ever have one of those days where you just cant stop changing your opinions and feelings about things? I think I'm the most ambivalent and indecisive people I know. Its like.....life is sucha big game against me, but I dont care. I play it anyway. And, well.....It cant end too badly. I guess I just ahve to continue with my head held high. And not beg for pity like I do even though I dont want to.

Just read that entry. I really am extrmely upset about it. But I need to hold high. Feel good about myself. And work on my one and only talent. This is a big part of my life - one that I havnt even payed too much attention to. I dont have the confidence to say that I'm better then everyone else - because I'm not - but.....hey. I cant just sit back. I'll just work harder next year.

If people get thigns that dont deserve them, and brag about them.....well, thats their own choice. I refuse to do that. Does it make them a better person due to the fact that they bragged? Or do I look better, because I dont use hatred and pity? But I hold strong on myself.

I cant continue to hate myself. I cant. I do hate myself.....but I need to get back my old confidence. I think I'm going to start that fear thing again. Just.....I need to love myself. I know there is no one else out there to do that for me at the time. I put distance on myself, however, but is it the better thing? It must be. I mean.....those who move through that are the ones that matter to me. And others? Well.....there will be another day.

I think I'm going to change something about myself. Not a huge change, but I'm going to let go a few things.....a few things that have been bothering me forever. Like, I need to ease up on my hatred extent a little. Or, at least not let it get in my way of things. And then of course theres the things I need to do with myself. I have to step it up a bit. Become a little more friendly. Not FAKE friendly. But, well, make it real.

And I know I have to continue to be vain....because its grown to be a part of me. But, well, I think I'm going to take more care of myself. I need a haircut, I know. And I need to act what I want. In order to get thigns, I need to let out to the World my true side. My sides out and all, but like....no one notices me. I remember those days when the only thing I craved was a little attention. I miss those days so much. I realized that I need it once again. I need attention. I need admiration. I need fear. I need anything that makes me stand out.

I more then what they think I am. And I CAN be. Its crazy, really......crazy what I do to myself. I try to close myself out. I try to make myself seem so, well, disinterested. While theres this other girl inside SCREAMING to be let out. And I know just what I need to let me out. God....this is what I did to myself last year. This is how I pushed him away. n/m what I'm talking about if you dont know. But...I shut myself out. I hated myself. My hatred for myself lead people away. And it was a big mistake. Through self loathing I lost people. I lost really close friends. It was horrible.

And now I look back and blame anyone other then myself. While of course its not entirely my fault.......its mostly. And I cant change the past. But I can learn.

I need to "live this moment as my last". If I fail to do so, then, well.....I'm only kidding myself.

I need to relax about everything. You know? Tommorow I'm going to be in a good mood. I need to show everyone how possible it is for me. I'm not the mellow peice of shit I'm possibly thought to be. I'm so much more. And to get people to see that, well....I cant just be another brick in the wall like I have been these past 2 years.

I need my old energy back. My fun self. And I know what I need to get it. Its not going to be easy, but I'll get back on track. I'll get rid of some things, gain some new. Change some ways, bring out old traits, continue to develope my new ones.

I can do this. I'm really not left with any other choices. Am I?

2003-05-12T18:44:00.000-04:00

Desideratum

I'm in a horrible mood right now. Nothing can even think about making me smile. I dont want to talk to anyone -- And I cant even put what I'm feeling into prespective. So.....I dont even know why I'm bothering writing right now. I guess no matter what I do this anyway, b/c, well......what else is there to do with life.

"...Will I lose my dignity
Will someone care
Will I wake tomorrow
From this nightmare?..."
-- Rent, 'Will I'

I hate it. I hate everything. I have absolutely nothing. nothing. Anything that I did have even, in the slightest way.......is lost. Completely gone. Dont even have a fighting chance with anything anymore. Its a waist. Life, right now, is a waist.

Remember the whole thing I was typing about yesterday about NYSSMA solo grades and what-not? Well, the one person who I so didnt want to get anything near to a good grade......yeah. She got 100. I really cant even get into it right now. And, dont even try to understand.....because whoever you are, whoevers reading this -- its not your life. So you have no idea. oh good. That makes me sound just great. Insulting my only readers. But its true. Everyone is like, you got a 99......thats so great! Excellent grade! Well.....seriously. You must have no clue. b/c its nothing. The ONE LITTLE POINT difference makes it all.

I cant even begin to explain. But, its basically.....this girl thats rivaled me for years now, wanting my life so it seems, finally passed me. And got what I had. The little I had left over her and all. Its now gone. And, well, now theres really just no point anymore. Especially.....if she deserved it, I'd probably be more open-minded. But, honestly.....she doesnt. Shes a bragger, shes ridiculous. She thinks shes better then everyone else. Shes condiscending to all, has no respect, is the fakest person I know - who is now, like, loved by all who used to hate her because they cant see her blatent fakeness - and whos voice just plain SUCKS......she got it. Which means, well, I must be the worst of all.

And, well, if you dont understand that.....theres no more I can say. Its a losing battle. I cant basically say anything anymore.

God, I feel like pity whore. Like, I feel like I'm basically asking for people to feel bad for me. But they never do. And even if they did, I never accept it anyway. I never do. Its like, something I have. So many assinine problems that I face myself with, and then ask for people to cry with me. But I'm nNOT asking them to. I just feel like I should cry alone. Be alone. God, just when I found out the news one of my friends called me, and it took 10 minutes of her asking me what was wrong for me to finally break. Why do I have such a hard time of expressing myself?

I know its because no one understands. But can they? No one can understand something if its not important to them directly, it seems. And, this is to ME. No one else. So why should anyone else care/understand? I just wish. I wish...no. I even pray so much that someday they will. But why do I wish? Why do I dream? Why do I pray? Why do I even act and try? It avails to nothing anyway.

oh GOD. ugh. I really dont know what else I can say.

"...Some might say that sunshine follows thunder -
Go and tell it to the man who cannot shine.
Some might say that we should never ponder -
On our thoughts today cos they will sway over time...

Some might say we will find a brighter day
Some might say we will find a brighter day...

Some might say they don't believe in heaven -
Go and tell it to the man who lives in hell.
Some might say you get what you've been given -
If you don't get yours I won't get mine as well...

Some might say we will find a brighter day
Some might say we will find a brighter day..."

Taking a break from "Rent", and putting up Oasis lyrics once again. "Some Might Say".

Oasis really does help me. Look at these lyrics, from "The Masterplan"

"...I'm not saying right is wrong
It's up to us to make
The best of all things that come our way
And all the things that came have past
The answer's in the looking glass
There's four and twenty million doors
Down life's endless corridor
Say it loud and sing it proud
And they...

Will dance if they want to dance
Please brother take a chance
You know they're gonna go
Which way they wanna go
All we know is that we don't know --
What is gonna be
Please brother let it be
Life on the other hand won't let you understand
Why we're all part of the masterplan..."

yeah. sure. It makes me feel ok now, but then once I start thinking about it, my thought process starts all over again. holy fucking god. I cant believe it. Just....shit. I feel like someone died. This was death. This situation to me - is equivalent to a death. I've lost the will to live. Maybe its equivalent to my death. I dunno. Because its almost like I'm dead now, if I really have no point.

No point. My desideratum of life is gone.

2003-05-11T21:05:00.000-04:00

Imperfection

Well. I got my NYSSMA solo grade back. Let me explain. NYSSMA solos, though I'm not sure what it stands for, is when you sing a solo you've prepared to a judge. This grade and recomendations from your teachers defines wheather you get into All-State or not next year....along with other things, like in county festivals and shit. But to get into All-State you need to do a "Level 6 All-State" (the highest) solo. People who think they might go into the music field once hitting college and what-not aim for these targets to show their experiance and shit. Well.....NYSSMA solos are the most stressful things I (dont) look forward to each year. Last year, when I did my Level 5 regular I got a 100. Yesterday was this years day. And I have my grade. Most judges only recommend 3 people that really shined out of their room to the All-State people. So, they would, naturally pick 3 people they gave 100's to. Well....I guess then, that sucks for me. I got a 99.

Ninety nine. And you know what my one fucking point off was for? POSTURE. Do you believe that? If I stood perfectly still the entire time....I would have gotten 100. But no. Because my balance sucks ass and I had to shift my feet at least once.....my imperfection shows, and I'm left with a 99. 1 point away from perfect. ONE.

I dont realize if people know how important this is to me. I worked hard this year. I worked hard. I dont slack off about things that are important to me. So I get, "oh....who cares" from people. And from others I get yelled at because I say its more important then the AP test coming up. Well, to me it is! I dont think I'm going to spend my life in the science feild. Maybe it'll be important to some people.....but WHY cant people look outside the box? No one feels that this is important. My only skills and likes are always laughed at.

...And the fact that I didnt get 100. It makes me feel like I let everyone down. Thank the Gods I didnt get worse. Or else I wouldnt know what to do. All my life I was always the "chorus girl". I had no competition until I reached around 7th-8th grade. Then all these other people came out of nowhere, and I wasnt important anymore. It was all about THEM. And, well, I'm not saying I'm better then them, but......they're not their all shited up to be. In fact, the two I'm thinking of right now purely suck. I dont understand why these people get things handed to them on silver platters, but they do. And I. I who work so hard....get shit. Like, last year I got a fucking 100 on my NYSSMA solo. A girl who did the same EXACT solo as me....got TWO POINTS LESS then me....she got into "all county". I didnt. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU FIGURE THAT?!

I cant TAKE the humility anymore. I really cant take it. Its like everyone always expects me to do so much better then I acctually can. I admit. I'm not as good as I was. I can basically now sing in tune. I can hit the right notes. But my voice? Its lost its beauty. And no one seems to understand this. These NYSSMA things are so manual. Its all about hitting the notes and putting structure into the songs. My voice, however, is not what its said to be. And when people ask me to sing for them, its gets me so upset......because their standards for how my voice should sound are so high, while as my voice is acctually, well, not. And then I feel so upset by it.

And I dont have my grade of perfection anymore. I spent the whole year knowing that I was a 100 student. Now I'm 99. I'm less then perfection. And now everyone knows. Now I dont even have that little bit of being better that I could of had. I dont brag, though. I never really have. Not like other people. I dont flaunt my grade. I dont act like I'm better then everyone else. Because I KNOW I am not. But god. I needed that 100. I guess I didnt work hard enough. This was my one goal....my one target the whole year. My one skill. My one fleeting talent. And I blew it.

I do know, however, that someone who could be titled "most favorable choral member to succeed", got a lower grade then me. Meghan C. Got a 96. She, who everyone thinks is God's gift to earth, got lower then me. For 2 years in a row now. But will I ever get recognition for my acheivements? NOOOOO. WHHHYYY should I? Because I'm acctually moral and WONT brag about them? WONT flaunt them for everyone to see how much "better" I am then everyone else? no. They who dont deserve them get the oppertunities. Not me. I. get. shit.

I hate complaining too. Its not even so much a personal thing. I'm just upset at the disapointment others will have in me. When I told everyone NYSSMA was coming up....I got the: "Oh, dont worry about it. I'll know you'll get 100." Well - I didnt.

w/e. I guess I cant look back. I have to look ahead, and only try even harder for next year.

Besides, I have other things on my mind right now. I was listening to music from the musical "Rent" today. Oh my god. I cannot wait to see it. The music is just so powerfull. Its such an amazing story....I cried through it. And I wasnt even watching. I was just listening to the words and music. It really did get to me. Its SO amazing.

"...The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn
There is no future
There is no past
I live this moment as my last...
There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret
Or life is yours to miss
No other road
No other way
No day but today..."

Thats one little section that Mimi sings to Roger during a song where they're thinking about spliting up and such. God...the plays so complicated and everything. So upsetting. Very sad. But also happy at other parts......it really is amazing. Just listening to the music. That song's called "Another Day". Its my favorite in the play, besides the Finale. Which is kind of a reprise of "Another Day", and my other favorite, "I should tell you".

The whole play is about how all these people have these different problems, and how their lives form together. Its so realistic seeming.

Anyway....I hate my stupid thoughts. I can only control them sometimes. But then once again they get out of control. I hate it. Like, one day I think one thing.....the next, it all ends. And I'm back to questioning myself. Not only about people, but about ideas and everything.

"...I can't control
My destiny
I trust my soul
My only goal is just to be
There's only now
There's only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way
No day but today..."

...Sometimes I wonder that if, IF, I do have an aggressive relashionship like I explained yesterday....could we still be, like, caring to each other? I could see that we could. I dunno. I'm ambivalent. I know what I want, but somedays I just like to be loved for a little while. Like.....having a mixture of different types or relashionships. I mean, I'm not closing myself to just what I want. I'm really open for anything.

I just have my stupid thoughts that I have. Sometimes things can happen to make you think differently about things. Like......a whole time you cloud your mind to think one thing, and then once you see one tiny difference, you're reminded of thoughts you used to have. Its haunting. ~sigh~. ok. Must stop. It really does make me realize though......things arent black and white. There are many different variations to a situation. There are many different feelings in a single person. There are so many things that could be possible. Things that are never given a chance. I wish I could, but I cant. Cant control my destiny.

2003-05-10T22:49:00.000-04:00

Awkwardly Intrigued....

C'est la fin du monde. Why? Well I dont acctually have an able reason right now. Just thinking about some things. Realizing how backwards I am sometimes. I dont really know who I am at all. And how can I expect to have others understand me if I'm so complicated to even myself? God. Everything just grown so fucked up. There really is no point to life if I dont even care about anything, which is seeming to be the case.

I've broken the barrier on confusion. Just yesterday I was thinking about how simple it was to live last year. I was listening to the song "My Head", by Goldfinger, and wrote a whole journal entry about how it makes me think of last year, about the 3 people I was always waiting to call me and shit. It was much more involved......but dont feel like writing it out. Its just one of those songs that gives you those weird feelings of "the past" every time you hear it. I thought mainly about 3 people last year. George, Alex, and TJ. My thoughts were so straight-forward and everything. How much do I miss that thinking? The three of them just seemed so -- I dunno.

Well why, now, do I have all these other people that I dont want to be with but am continuing to grow closer to? Or, for that matter, trying to get further from and not succeding. Why couldnt I just have settled myself and picked one of the 3 to aim my full target to last year? Why are things so complicated now?

A guy named Mike V. likes me, and my sister wants, and is urging me, to go out with him. As is Sarah. Carol and Greg both think its out of the question. A guy named Bryan confessed his love for me while drunk the other night, though he is also having a continuing battle about this other girl he has an undying love for. TJ keeps hinting on me to go out with Bryan. I like him, but in THAT way I cannot see us. And for a few weeks there I liked TJ again. This little fake relashionship thing made me think twice about him, and I still think of him, but I no longer like him. However, I'm still waiting for the slightest hint of him saying for us to just not brake up. Though I'm pressuring him to finish this stupid thing at the same time.

When I agreed to this little charade, Carol said to me: "He makes you weak" It made me think. What exactly do I see in him that would make it seem that way? I couldnt think of anything. But then again, why do I do anything he asks of me? That power over someone could get dangerous. w/e. I promise myself I'll never do another thing he asks of me. Unless of course I want to. NO! eh.

Bryan was telling me that he, TJ, Brian, and Alex were at the Bagel Place together the other day. I was mentioned. I dont know who brought me up, probably Bryan, but he said that Alex still doesnt know why we dont talk - he said that the oppertunity to do so never arised correctly. And then TJ said something along the lines of me being psycho. Only expected of him. To go along with the crowds. To make himself seem like he has some input in conversations.

It didnt upset me that he said that, I could care less, but I just wonder what else was said. It intrests me, never upsets me. Its just intriguing. And sometimes I just wish I could know what all of them think of me.

Whenever I hear that someone talked about me - or whenever I talk to someone, I wonder what they are thinking of me the entire time. I wonder how our thoughts are acting towards each other. Wonder how the other person will react to the things I say - try to predict outcomes. Not one single time where I dont. Even while at my job, I wonder how I'd feel as a customer walking in and talking to me for the first and last time ever. I wonder what they think when they leave. Was she nice? Did she smile? Was she rude or sarcastic? Was she pretty? Ugly? Or to someone I already know: How has this conversation with her change they way I think about her?

God, does anyone else do that to the extent that I do? I think way too much. My greatest of all my problems. I feel like I try too hard to tune into peoples thoughts and emotions. Too hard to try not to insult them, that I end up doing so in a different, worse, way. A more personal way. I never let back and talk. I've lost that ability. Even with songs. I dont hold back and just listen. I analyze in my head each time.

Analyze everything. I dont want to be ordinary. But it seems that if I try to be different, no one will notice. No one really understands me. No one realizes my one and only skill in analyzing.

I read people. Any hints they give to me about absolutely anything; I take them in. I always spot where to find them. In speach, in writing, everywhere. And though some think I dont see - I'm smarter then they think I am. I pretend I dont know things. Its a sheild I place around myself to either a) get people to tell me things, or b) ward off awkwardness. I do the latter more often then the former, however. I'm not totally unmoral.

Awkwardness is a weakness of mine. I hate it. I DETEST it. I therefore feel none towards anything anyone says to me. But it seems as if my sheild attracts more then it wards. I'm constantly fighting, trying to keep the barrier up. But to no avail. The awkwardness creeps in anyway, and though I dont feel it, I am still defeated. For I tried to stop it for the other person, and failed.

I'm defeated easily, though, it seems. I bring it about myself. I dont know how to say "no". I want people to be comfortable. I dont want them to feel shame, embarasment, or failure. So I cant be the one to bring it on them. I realize, though, that my holding back only fucking makes it worse. I cant help it, though. Its a problem I have.

I dont feel the awkwardness, though, so why should the other person? Its only felt because the one side thinks the other side feels it too. But in my case, I DONT.

People dont realize this, but no matter what anyone says to me, I feel nothing differently (in a bad way) of them. I remain the same, if not more trusting and respectful. I know how hard it is for me to tell people things, therefore I know how to react to that feeling when they do.

I wish people understood that.

I wish people understood me.

I wish people knew how honest I am.

I wish they knew my real personality.

No matter how many times I say what I just said, however, no one honestly believes. Though any one person could say that they do, no one can really admit it to themselves. Self doubt. It sucks. Its unavoidable. Which is why I go on without ever being understood.

I sometimes wonder - holding things back that I know others think - does that make me seem fake? I cant even expres how much I despise fake people. They have no right to life. Well, am I fake? I dont want to seem fake. But the people that like me - say that theres just "something about me". Well what is it? Do they see my fakeness, and think its real? Thinking I'm something I'm not?

How come I all of a sudden have such a strong identity struggle? When I like people, I also say that theres just "something about them". How come I cant seem to remember what I meant when I said or thought that? I know I thought that about George. And TJ. And was there ever "something about them"? No. One ended up with a dumb blonde flake, the other just never knew how to how to act, and had a problem with anger. So whats the "something about me"? I hesitate to find out.

God, I SPIT on myself for using it as a reason to like someone. Its not a reason, its an EXCUSE. Its a lack of understanding. Just a phrase to say to make yourself seem true to an attraction. Which is never the case. Anyone could learn to know someone - learn to understand them. But it simply isnt done.

Maybe thats another fear I have. If a guy is attracted to me, but doesnt really know me, I fear that if I did try something, I'd end up falling for them, while as they'd realize what I'm really like, and hate it. Thats why I always lead people astray, perhaps. Like when the other Mike, Mike W. liked me. I didnt know him. I didnt even give him a chance. I just ignored it. Well maybe I could have gotten along with him...? Too late now.

Well, maybe theres another reason I didnt even try to know him. A reason I dont really like talking about much. My friends, whenever they think about guys for me, say how "ooh...hes not one of those asshole guys, hes sweet, sensitive, blah blah blah....good for you..." --

Well, hey. Wait a minute.

When have I ever said I'm looking for a guy like that? All the guys I've ever liked, with the exception of one that no one ever knew I liked anyway, have been the total opposite of what they think I'm looking for. I'm not exactly aiming for a life partner, par say, in one try. I just want to meet some guys. Have some affection. Once I hit college, also, I wont settle yet. I'll be looking for a sexual kind of affection. A different kind of fun. Then once I get OUT of college I'll slow down a bit and start to look for a true "mate".

Right now I just want a guy. Not a "sweet and sensitive" one. I want an opposite of myself. One that will bring me to parties, one that wont be afraid to be semi-violent -- like throwing me against the lockers to kiss me in the middle of the school day. When did I ever say I want a husband at age 16? Some people do - and I totally respect that. But I, personally, do not.

I've wanted this ever since last year - its just so intriguing to me. And holy fucking God, just the way I dress alone conveys this message. Are people stupid? WHY THE FUCK dont they get it? Why cant I have that kind of guy? Why cant I EVER GET what I want? All the signals I give out point to that. Is the world fucking DENSE?

Sadly, though, I want sex. I know I'm probably not ready, therefore I will wait. I have to wait until prom anyway, b/c of a pact I have with someone. But after that... I'll be free to do whatever. That doesnt discount for the fact that I want it now. I know "blah blah, its not all its said to be, blah blah..." Well maybe to me it'll be different. The thought of someone overpowering you, holding you down so tightly they bruise your skin, fingernails ripping at flesh, pain, pleasure - ~sigh~ God. I sometimes feel I think about it more then guys do, sex. But I have a pact, and besides - theres no one I can really see myself being able to fuck with at this time. Well, thats a lie, acctually. I just dont feel like talking about it! lol.

I cant wait until college. I was talking to someone yesterday about suicide, and how I keep thinking "todays the day, if any", and me never doing it. I dont, because I have a list of things to do before I die. And I refuse to die as a virgin. Thats one of the few.

God, I really hope, though, that my intrigue in violence doesnt lead me to be in an abusive relashionship. God I'm weird sometimes. I dont even know how I got on to this topic.

I have more to say about that "things I do before I die", but some things just cant be said on a blog. Like, people I need to see, actions I need to take, projects I must acomplish. At least thats the little bit of determination I have. A good way to continue on. Maybe I should suggest that to a few other people. To create a mental, or acctually write down, a list of things they need to do. Then once they've finished, they might still want to live. And if they dont? Well at least they didnt give up without trying. hm. yeah. I'm going to do that. This will be, however, one thing that I'll keep completely private - besides the whole "wanting sex" thing. lol.

God, can you just imagine a relashionship where the couple treats each other violent like that? It would be something interesting to live for. Imagine. Hes standing there talking to his friends, and I come up behind him and suddely bite his neck, he turns and grabs me tightly, and we kiss violently, and then just wrap our arms around each other normally and resume conversation. OH MY GOD I'D LOVE THAT! Imagine the reactions, imagine the FEAR others would have?!!? HOLY SHIT.

wow. I need to find someone like that. WHERE CAN I find someone like that. hm. Would I freak someone out if I said I wanted that kind of relashionship?

Heh. How did I get onto this topic again? I havnt a clue. But I think I should stop. WOAH -- yeah...This entry grew kinda long. ok, well, goodnight. Sleep well, world of people who dont understand me.